Sufferers: Can you more easily talk on the phone rather than seeing someone in person?

[Bananamango]

I have a friend with combat PTSD and he sometimes seems to need major space from me.

Recent example: I encountered him randomly in the woods hiking, and I know he saw me but went way out of his way to steer clear of me and waited until I was in my car and driving away before he went to his car. Didn’t even wave. (And I know he’s not mad or anything. He’s been friendly by text since.) This has happened before where he can’t even talk to me or be near me but he'll be ‘normal’ with others. I’ve learned this is very common with those closest to you.

This summer, he’s sort of avoided seeing me or getting together (has various excuses why he can’t see me).

But recently, there was something important I wanted to talk to him about and he said I could call (we never talk on the phone) but didn’t sound like getting together to talk in person was even an option.

Do you ever find it easier to talk on the phone to someone you need space from (instead of in person)? I’m not sure if this is a PTSD thing—it’s a different request from him. Just not sure if it’s PTSD or if something else may be up.

Thanks

 

[Justmehere]

Just not sure if it’s PTSD or if something else may be up.

It could be PTSD, and it could be something other than PTSD. It could be both. It could also be something different than avoidance of you. I've been walking down the street so caught up in my thoughts and it seemed like I was avoiding someone I knew, but didn't even notice they were there... only to have them later ask why I avoided them when I wasn't trying to do that.

He has been giving you reasons for not connecting up, what leads you to believe there is more that he is not saying? Is he generally a very indirect person? Have you asked him if he's avoiding you or if there is a problem in the relationship? (None of these questions are ones you have to answer here unless you want to answer here.)

As a sufferer myself, I rather text or meet up in person much of the time. I dislike phone calls (unless it's facetime) as it's all the tone without the facial expressions. I'll do phone calls though when my schedule is maxed out and I really want to connect, and all I can logistically do is a phone call. When symptoms are high, in-person meeting up involves a lot more work than a phone call, so sure, sometimes I will do a phone call instead.

 

[ladee]

I do not like talking on the phone. I do better with the written word. I tend to worry less about my facial expressions or tone of voice if I am stressed or anxious and it has nothing to do with who I am texting with. It's just the space I'm in. People tell me all the time they 'waved' at me out in public and I never saw them. I wasn't ignoring anyone, I just was focused on getting into the store and out.

I do like direct questions tho. Like being asked if I am ignoring someone. It gives me a chance to look at myself and look back over things and see what was going on. It can be confusing to those who support us. It must feel sometimes as we have you waiting in the wings. It's usually not that at all.

I have tremendous respect for supporters. I hope you find your answers and know what is going on with him. And then you can make choices that are right for you. Good luck.

 

[Freida]

yep.
I'd much rather talk on the phone than in person. It's easier to hide how I'm really feeling because I know they can't see my body language. Especially if I'm having a bad day.

 

[Teasel]

I prefer written communication too. Sometimes I'm not really present in the company of others. I can find it overwhelming. I've been told I seem a different person via written communication, can't say I'm surprised, the level of anxiety in others company can make it so I can't even think, let alone relax.

 

[Bananamango]

He has been giving you reasons for not connecting up, what leads you to believe there is more that he is not saying? Is he generally a very indirect person? Have you asked him if he's avoiding you or if there is a problem in the relationship?

Yep, he’s very indirect and won’t talk about anything. And he’s very definitely avoiding me, was hard to describe details, but it was really clear (it’s happened many, many times before, but he always comes back after a time and tries to be friendly). In early days, he used to sort of apologize afterward if he ignored me, but as he’s gotten to know me, he doesn’t do that anymore because he knows I sort of understand it’s more about him than about me. I used to think I’d done something wrong, and that he was pissed off at me, but we had a talk once and without really getting into it, he said he wasn’t. But we really can’t talk about things too deeply. If I try to, he backs right off or gets upset. So I have to guess a lot. And ask you guys. :)

Summertime seems to be a time he avoids me a bit more. Not sure why.... Anniversary? I don’t know and could NEVER ask. Earlier in the summer we went for a nice hike, but then it’s been relatively little contact since and I haven’t done anything that could possibly upset him.

I’m like you—phone calls are more difficult because you can’t read the person, but as @Freida mentions, maybe he doesn’t want me to see his body language...

Thanks for answering.

 

[somerandomguy]

Text or email conversation > Phone conversation > Face to face conversation

 

[Bananamango]

“I do like direct questions tho. Like being asked if I am ignoring someone. It gives me a chance to look at myself and look back over things and see what was going on. It can be confusing to those who support us. It must feel sometimes as we have you waiting in the wings. It's usually not that at all.

Waiting in the wings. Great description of what it feels like at times. I have developed a lot of patience wit this. Not necessarily a bad thing.

But I wish he was direct and wanted to talk about things, like you. But he doesn’t and won’t. I’m past, if I’ve sensed something was up and questioned him, he’d just get upset. Even if I asked how he was doing. So I’ve had to stop asking.

We talked and he said he’d try to communicate a bit more but it hasn’t really happened. Probably won’t.

yep.
I'd much rather talk on the phone than in person. It's easier to hide how I'm really feeling because I know they can't see my body language. Especially if I'm having a bad day.

One of the reasons I dislike phone conversations is that I can’t read the body language of who I’m talking to. I can do it, but prefer in person.

I actually took a body language course recently as part of my work and it was fascinating. But it did allow me to see him once (has only been really bad once) where I ran into him and it was a situation where it couldn’t be avoided, but it became super clear to me how highly anxious he was. Arms crossed in a sort of self hug, stroking his face (all self soothing), then starting majorly tapping/fidgeting with his hands, feet facing the door (where he wanted to leave), talking really quietly. I knew I had to get out of there. I’ve never seen him look so anxious.

So I suppose he maybe sort of realizes he gives off signals at times and doesn’t want to risk me seeing it. It’s a possibility. But won’t know for sure.
Thx

 

[siniang]

Writing > in person/video chat >> normal phone call.

If I can avoid it at all, I will not talk on a phone.

I prefer written because I can take time and think about what I'm trying to say. When directly talking, I prefer to see the other party.

I don't think that's a PTSD thing for me, though, more a personality thing.

Missed the time frame to edit, but wanted to add

When on the phone, on average I have a much harder time paying attention to the other party. It's also way easier (more tempting) trying to multitask and get distracted.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't like the phone. It's got bad connotations, also.

If you're sure he tried to avoid you there's a reason. Maybe as simple as didn't want to engage.

Arms crossed in a sort of self hug, stroking his face (all self soothing), then starting majorly tapping/fidgeting with his hands, feet facing the door (where he wanted to leave), talking really quietly. I knew I had to get out of there. I’ve never seen him look so anxious.

I would be careful about body language 101 (vs, eg, FBI Profilers), simply because, for example, crossed arms can mean bad back; I know I do certain things because I can't stand the pain, or can't breathe. Similarly, being anxious may be entirely true but have nothing to do with you.

 

[Freida]

@Tinyflame has a good point. When my fibro is acting up I come across as really standoffish but it's because I'm in pain not because I don't like someone

 

[Friday]

I haven’t owned a phone in a few years now.... :whistling:

That was true the last time I got symptomatic as fawk, too... even if that was back before mobile phones were a thing, so it wasn’t expected that people would be available 24/7/365. IE far fewer consequences / far less isolating.