Relationship Suggestions?...

[awayhome06]

My husband is a combat PTSD sufferer. He left me about two months ago. He comes every so often to visit our two young children.

Today during naptime we had some time to talk. After a few difficult subjects, he had to leave.

He says that his therapist has told him when he feels himself get too angry he should remove himself from the situation.

To me, this sounds like avoidance, rather than learning control, which I have read, been told and believe hurts the recovery process.

Is it a good idea to tell him that? My fear is that he is either making excuses to make me accept him leaving early, or that he has a therapist that doesn't know how to treat PTSD.

I try really hard to keep his visits positive, but there is always a breakdown, or a conversation we have to have about money or our shared responsibilities, or pain from his injury that causes him to leave.

Our kids need to see more of him, but I don't want it to turn bad either.

Help!

 

[Nicolette]

I am sorry for your position awayhome06.

I think the only way your kids will see more of him, for the short term, is to not connect visits with them and 'adult discussions'. That way, if the 'adult discussions' are too much he can opt out of those but if they are entwined with 'child visits' you may find one may cause the other to end. Does that make sense?

 

[awayhome06]

I think the only way your kids will see more of him, for the short term, is to not connect visits with them and 'adult discussions'.

That makes a lot of sense.

We have only just gotten to the point that we consistently keep the adult discussions to times the kids aren't around. It's hard enough right now to get a hold of him, let alone get him in the right head space to make a conversation doable, but the kids' time is the priority.

I feel like this is such a simple solution that I should have thought of myself, but between trying to cope with losing him and still trying to encourage him, I get lost fairly easily.

 

[dayglo]

He says that his therapist has told him when he feels himself get too angry he should remove himself from the situation.

What happens when he gets angry? Does he get violent? Is it best for him to leave?

Maybe do the "adult discussions" in small doses?

 

[awayhome06]

What happens when he gets angry? Does he get violent? Is it best for him to leave?

He has often said that there is no time when he isn't angry. I have never been afraid he would hurt us. He has twice hit inanimate objects during arguments, but he still was in control, and the children were not around. He has always had the ability and desire to remove himself from the situation before it degrades.

Today, I don't think it was even anger that had him running.

I wish I could tell whether his more prevalent emotions meant he was improving because he is more able to feel things, or is a bad sign because he has a hard time controlling them and doesn't want me to see them.

To answer the third question, I don't think it is best for him to leave. I think he is living in and acting out of fear and regret and despair. I think he needs to see that he can trust me and that I'm not going to reject him. But, I don't get a say. All have left in that regard is hope.

 

[myvetswife]

My husband (also a combat vet) explained to me due to there training they eighter got the instinct to go forwards (getting agressiv) or escaping if they feel anger/anxiety.

We told our son with ADHD if he feels anger to move out of the situation on time and then come back.

I suggest small doses aswell.