Suicidal Ideation

[TLight]

I've had suicidal ideation since I can remember thinking. I think it is another one of those normal responses to an abnormal situation. The abuse was horrific from before I can remember thinking..........suicide dominanted every thought........my entire life.

I've had two major attempts. I'm glad I'm still here. I never thought I'd say that, ever.......but I am glad.

The thing I know now is that after 4 years of therapy, a very supportive relationship.......some good times, having people of character in my life.......well, they do go away.

However, just the other day I was triggered and narrowly avoided a flashback. For a few nights after that, I had suicidal dreams.........

I think that overcoming this is another one of the many brain rewirings we have to do..........difficult task, but not undoable.

Please don't do it. It will get better.

 

[Healing Survivor]

I like everything that people have said in response to this. I just wanted to add that I understand the intrusive thoughts. It's not constant for me, but I definitely do have those times when I feel like driving into a tree, or slicing my wrists, or taking a bunch of pills. I know I never would, it's just the thoughts. I guess I've never considered those intrusive, but I don't know why I wouldn't...they definitely are intrusive! But it's nice to know I'm not alone and that it's a PTSD thing and I'm not crazy. Thanks everyone!

 

[Mercy]

Dear Hen,

I think most people with PTSD have thoughts about suicide. I try to remember that the S is for Stress. The more anxious I am, the more I try to look for a way out.

For me, I usually find myself in a suicidal thinking space after bad flashbacks. Sometimes the actions are really hard to resist, as if they were like training manovers to keep the secrets. The organization that had me, taught me how to look for ways to commit suicide if I was ever forced into a safe house.

I have learned a few things that might help. Try to notice the last thing you paid attention to. There may be a trigger there to deep sorrow. Also flashbacks can be emotional flashbacks without people and actions going on. That one is also true for me. If I'm really sad and sliding into the pit, it is often an emotional flashback, what is left over when the men were gone and I was alone, bereft, cold, hungry and scared.

Choose to live, even up to ten or twenty times a day.
Choose to live because your life has meaning and value even when we can't recognize it ourselves.
Choose to live because you have it and can become powerful in your own life.
Choose to live for the next beautiful sunset you will see.
Choose to live despite the terrible losses and sorrows you and we all bear.

My husband taught me a lullaby when we adopted our first child. The rough translation from the Hindi is:

You have chosen life , so live it, little friend.
Fear never accomplishes anything, so live little one, live.

He who fights can do something but if he fears he will die.
You have chosen life, little one, so live it.
You have chosen live so live.

 

[shiraz]

I have wanted to talk about this on the forum before, but wasn't sure it was an acceptable subject - I see it is OK to talk about it now .... thanks Hen!

I share the experience you have all mentioned and it just rips me up. It upsets me so much and it is so damn persistent! One image after the other ... I've always known I was visual, but this is taking things too far!

I don't want to take my life. I have never tried to, but when I am low in resources like everyone else ... it takes over and I get so far down, ending it all looks really attractive. I just need the torment to stop and at that point I can't think about how it will affect others ... it looks so damn appealing. I wonder though if it is more that the pain be over that is appealing, than the actual ending it?

I have learnt that I can ignore self-harming and suicidal ideations for days on end, if I shed copious tears and play possum. I have also learnt that to hide it is damaging to me and to share it is damaging to the one I love ... but at least I can go to him now when I get too far down and say ... I should not be alone right now. This gives him the reassurance that I wont allow myself to go down that black hole and it gives me a way to stop the vicious thing in its tracks.

Hugs to all of us. May peace replace our pain.

 

[bluejayway]

I see that others have mentioned medications possibly contributing to suicidal thoughts and wanted to pass along personal experience - with an asthma medication. My son (7 years old at the time last year) was on Singulair for mild asthma after a bad cold triggered his symptoms for the first time in years. His personality changed gradually but still somewhat quickly as within 2 months of him being on it I was asking his pediatrician for a referral to mental health. He was extremely combative and defiant, sleeping very little, had to put a password on the computer because he kept sneaking on there during the night, told me he wished he'd never been born & that I'd never been born, and one morning (the final straw for me) he was upset for me telling him to do something routine before school and told me he was going to take a hatchet and chop off my toes. He was also hearing voices and having terrible dreams. For some reason, I forgot to give him his Singulair a couple of nights in a row, and I realized that his behavior was starting to change. Within a week of him being off the med, he was back to being his normal 7yo self. I would never have suspected an asthma medication to cause such a severe psychiatric problem, but it did, and in fact the labeling is being changed now because of these kinds of reactions.

 

[catjudo]

I, too, have been struggling with this lately. I'm going through a pretty bad depressive episode. I've resumed therapy and medication with no results so far. My doctor and I continue to adjust my medication hoping for results (using meds that have always been effective for me in the past).

I'm scared that the depression won't get better this time. I'm feeling guilty, thinking that the reason my depression is not responding to treatment this time is because I went off of my medication for so long. Or that it's not responding because I let it go on for so long/get so bad before I finally went back to my doctor and resumed treatment. My psychiatrist assures me this is not the case, but I continue to feel like it is my fault.

As I continue to feel as though I'm drowning in an overwhelming darkness, I find myself returning to suicidal thoughts. Like others have said, I know I won't do it...I am all that my daughter has and she needs me. I truly believe she is the only thing that keeps me from acting on these ideas. Then I think I'm pretty pathetic that there is nothing else in my life that I want to live for. Then there are the times that I tell myself that in my current state I am not a very good mother and she would be better off without me. One thing I know for certain is that I'm scared...scared that this depression will never end, scared that the suicidal thoughts won't go away. I know that it always has in the past, but what if this time is different?

 

[ms spock]

No You Don't Sound Off Your Trolley to Me!

I am interested to know if others have intrusive thoughts about killing themselves even though they know they would not do it or want to do it?

Do I sound off my trolley or do others have similar thoughts?

Sorry but I am new to this discussing things, but I am hoping talking to others with PTSD will help. Thanks xxx

You are brave to ask these questions!

I have had these thoughts.

ms spock

 

[Hen]

Thank you Ms Spock like all the others thank you for making me feel less mad. I felt so alone but now I know I am not, which I must say is a shame not for me but that others have these awful thoughts. Love and peace to everyone, I wish that everyone on this site gets peace soon xxx

 

[Hen]

P.S. I always post amd then think of something. How do people cope with it? I have had a bad day where it has been non stop suicide thoughts and I have no intention of doing it as I love life but it worries me so much that the thoughts would get the better of me.

 

[Mercy]

Hen,
Do the things you love even if you feel empty and useless at the suicidal thinking stage. I would suggest making a nice list of the things you like to do.

I don't know what you like to do so I can only suggest a few things like walking. If you like that and can go out, take the directions for where you like to go and what you like about it, or if you like hand work crochet or knitting-write down where your supplies are for that project, and who the project is for, or put on some music you love and really listen.(unless it's gangsta rap)

I find that when I push myself to go do the things I like, even if I'm not enthusiastic, my mood shifts away from suicidal ideas. At first, I might even be mad that I have to intervene on my own behalf again. Or I get easily frustrated and mad again. The reality is that some time has indeed passed without that thought.

Interveneing on our own behalf can be exactly what we need to learn to do inorder to break the cycle of abuse in our thoughts. We can give ourselves the gift of a new life that can begin at any time, anywhere. Just being open to the notion, that we don't want the perps in our lives and heads forever, gives us strength to try today actions that can block 'them' out.

I found out that when people can stop calling themselves names, they can recognize the lies that were drummed into them by other people who taught them about who they where, all lies. You are a free child of the light and no ones' slave anymore. You have been created for good even if all you have known is abuse.

 

[LisaHug's]

When I read your post my jaw dropped. I thought I was the only one who went through this. I have been struggling with PTSD for......seems all my life. I have a great therapist and a med doc. But these past maybe 4 months have been horrible. I wake up and go to sleep thinking I would be better off not here. I don't act on them I just say.."If i don't wake up oh well" or "I want to run off the road and end the torture." I read about someone being on Lexpro and having side effects. Ever since they put me on meds and keep changing them the worse I feel. I am cutting back on them now. I will tell the doc tomorrow. I just want to say thanks for sharing. Up til 20mins okay I thought it was just me.

 

[Mercy]

Lisa, I think lots of us have suicidal thinking. Probably, not too many post their travails here. It is so hard to live with what we know about our own abuse. I really get it when people say 'It's just too hard to live this way.' and' I'm so tired.I don't want to go on.'

The Happiness Project tread on the forum has changed my outlook on life and SI. Instead if looking around forwhat is out there that will trigger me, I now look for three new things I am grateful for everyday.I am living more and more in the present.

I hope we here on the forum can hold up candles to be a light for you for the rest of your journey.