Suicidal Thoughts

[Leanne1]

I've been thinking a lot about suicide lately, feeling like it would be a big relief.

I've imagined doing it, and felt comforted that I could if I really wanted to at some point.

It took some courage to mention this to my T, but I thought it was important because of how strong the urge can be at times.

She just said that it is a very normal response to want to escape pain, and left it at that.

I'm left confused and wondering how to get help with this.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I am not sure I have advice for you, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone. When I told me therapist about suicidal thoughts, she reassured me that it was normal, too. Then she questioned how much I really thought I would do anything which at the time was pretty low. She reminded me of crisis lines and that I could call her or got to the ER. Can you try again with your therapist and ask for suggestions? I imagine that would be hard since you already had so much courage to mention it in the first place.

 

[desiderata310]

If you are wanting more help with that I would be very specific. I told my therapist that I had a method and the materials for the method, and that while it was simply ideation at the moment (with no intent to follow through), there were times when the urge to follow through was overwhelming. I keep my method as a security blanket of sorts but that's a danger to me and I know it since I've found myself in a situation recently where I was actively suicidal, confused, triggered and very upset and had my method in hand ready to go before I finally reached out to ANYONE. At that point I reached out here and then finally to my therapist who did indeed talk me down and got me to go home and medicate. He kept close tabs on me to make sure I was ok and was ready to call someone if that had not worked.

It's a delicate balance for both me and my therapist. I am open and honest about how bad it is and he agrees to talk me down and keep me out of the hospital unless it is something that the two of us can't handle together.

Your therapist was right to tell you that it is normal but you will need to broach the subject with her to stress that it's more than just a passing thought and that it's really troublesome.

 

[Changing4Best]

I can advise you from the other side, I took 4 months worth of my meds all at once, was unconscious for about 10 days, came to, to an angry nurse who insisted that I answer her question as to why I would do such a thing. I was too out of it to reply, so she went on to a lecture about how pretty I was, how much of my life I had left to me and said that life was very valuable and not to waste it (or words to that effect). All I could think of at the time was disappointment that I didn't make it.

My therapist was furious that I had not spoken to her about this beforehand.

My boyfriend, who didn't have the keys to my car, took the ignition out of it and started it with a screw driver and drove it around town....

I got stuck for days in the hospital, first to recover enough from the overdose and then in the mental ward for a mandatory 78 or so hours, plus the day extra that it took me to be released.

I promised myself that I would never try it again, because the risk was too great that I would survive it again and have to suffer through all that again!

 

[WillyKat]

I wish I had a nickel for every time I've thought about it. And I've also had that feeling of comfort from it, often.

I think that comfort level is our way of dealing with the anxiety (triggers, racing thoughts). It calms us down, gets us breathing again, let's us hit bottom so we can start climbing.

My SI sessions often included fantasies of teaching people how much I was hurting, or they hurt me, and the like. I wasn't really aware of this until a few months ago. I realize that its an extension of my young self trying to get attention, be heard, and nothing working.

 

[desiderata310]

@SheilaKathy that is the main reason that my therapist doesnt' want me in the hospital. I've been through that before and it was... for me at least... traumatizing.

 

[Joan]

I too can speak from the other side....I did not want anyone to stop me...but after surviving x 3...having lost hours of my life...I have at times since had strong thoughts, plan and I have found I have to be very specific if I want my therapist to know. I am infamous for thinking I said it clearly, but only alluded to. Please reach out for help from your T or a help line. I ended up spending 4 months in residential treatment after the 3rd time. It was a great experience for me and gave me the push I needed to find some hope...not that I have not had despair or being mad at life since...but helped me be stronger to fight.

 

[Leanne1]

Thank you all for your support.

@Joan
I think I to might sometimes think I am saying something clearly, but only hint at what I mean.

I will try and tell my T that I have a plan, and have the details worked out.

Earlier today I met with a psychiatric doctor. He asked me if I ever attempted to commit suicide. I paused. He said , "its ok. Just tell me". So I did. ( surprised myself)

it ( my attempt) didn't work, and although I was badly injured, no one knew because it looked like an accident. ( I was very close)

 

[blackswan]

Hi @Leanne1

Half of adults will seriously consider suicide at some point in their lives. We just don't talk about it heaps as a societ. I'm a supporter and just wanted to add that if you start feeling like you can't keep yourself safe please contact your local suicide line or emergency services (or just rock up at your local hospital's ED). You've been really brave starting to talk about how you're feeling, it can be scary to admit. I've spoken with lots of people about suicide and the breaking the social taboo and owning the thoughts and feelings is often the hardest part, but the support exists once it's out there. Cause, yeah, it's a very common experience.

 

[Laura 2]

@Leanne1 - You don't say where you are, I'm assuming not in the UK because your psych and therapist sound like understanding people who want you to talk it all out with them.

In the UK, from my experience it's hellishly traumatising to tell anyone that you feel suicidal. They go into kneejerk spasm and send the police round to knock your door in and get you to hospital, even though you're just sitting there quietly, trying to distract yourself or gone to the park for a walk. If you go to hospital and ask for help here they make you wait for hours, ignoring you, until a duty psych comes along and eventually tells you you're doing all the right things, go home and see your GP. GP, if they bother to get back to you, doesn't have a clue what to do ....so it all becomes an exercise in defensive 'pass the parcel patient management' so that you don't do the deed on their watch.

Sorry to blurb all that out. I guess I envy the freedom to actually talk with professionals honestly and openly. But I agree with other posters that it would probably be helpful all round to be very specific to your MH professionals in the types of help you need. I've found that getting very clear about this is a good grounding exercise in itself as it makes you honestly take stock of what you're struggling with etc.

 

[Leanne1]

@Laura 2
I am from Canada, but living in the US.

Wow, that sounds extreme. I think the same happens here. I've heard stories.

If I ever attempt to talk to someone about having thoughts about suicide I will preface it with, " I am not planning on acting on these feeling. I have to intent on following through with these thoughts, " etc.

And if I was planning on following through, I probably wouldn't be talking about it.

If I did mention that I am planning on doing it, then I would do that so I would be locked up until I'm feeling better I suppose.

I have a child, so I do take this very seriously. I will attempt to, like you mention, get clear about what I am struggling with.

The mental health doctor I spoke to a couple of days ago said that along with PTSD he thinks I'm depressed.

( this was the first time I actually spoke to a psychiatric doctor. I've been to scared to. I've only been diagnosed by 2 therapists. It was a pretty big step for me to make and keep this appointment. I did it because I have admitted to myself that I do need help. The anxiety is too much for me. And making it so I can't go out sometimes. )

 

[Laura 2]

@Leanne1
I believe that this 'treatment' is pretty common here. On the surface of things, it appears cheaper to the services to keep the sufferer tied up with all sorts of pass-the-parcel and keep-a-lid-on-it nonsense than actually address the presenting issues. It seems that those people who most often get on with the MH services best are those who take the drugs and are so knocked out that they can't even think about the next day let alone the quality and substance of services.

Yes, I'm very cynical now: in my tortuous path through the last 10yrs of nightmares-beyond-nightmares, I've encountered so many good people who have been crushed beyond any sort of recovery not by the originating trauma but by MH and other public services. So one learns to say nothing to anyone about one's suicidal plans. But I'm no longer fearful of speaking out about this abysmal treatment, I have nothing to lose anymore.

Enough of that. I found it a difficult exercise to articulate my needs - partly because I am embarrassed by how dysfunctional I am now and couldn't really admit it to myself (rather like you found) and partly because it was just plain hard to concentrate. Once I distilled my needs into a few simple bullet points it was easy for others to grasp. The hard part for them is fulfilling or helping to fulfil even simple needs. It was interesting that my needs boiled down to quite simple and very reasonable points.

It's also difficult to speak with an MH doctor/psychiatrist. The psych I saw the other day also said I had depression and I thought to myself, ''Uh...well, yeah!" The two go hand in hand I would have thought.