Suicidal With A Child

[Angelwings]

Is there anyone else out there who has suicidal thoughts and is also a parent? I would never kill myself, because my son needs me. I'm a single mom, but I still feel suicidal sometimes. I feel so guilty for feeling that way. If my son wasn't alive, I wouldn't be alive. Then there is also the question, what does my PTSD and depression do to my poor child. I try to keep an upbeat attitude around him, so that he doesn't see too much of it, but I can't hide everything. Anyway, just thought I'd ask...hopefully no one will say, "Yeah, me too."

 

[Sighs]

Well, um, yeah, me too BUT I'm not there now. So maybe I can offer you hope that this too shall pass and life will improve and you won't always feel this way.

The fact that you have insight into the potential effect your issues have on your son shows you are striving to be the best parent you can be.

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Friday]

Of course. PTSD doesn't have morals. It doesn't say "Well, this person is a parent, so I'll only give you these symptoms."

Just like it doesn't give dangerous nightmares only to people who sleep alone.

We get the symptoms we get. We make choices as to how to deal with those symptoms.

 

[theotherside]

Hi Secret, im pretty new here. Im sorry you go through that...very hard, i know. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from early chilhood trauma. I am a parent and love my children very much. If i didnt have them i think i would have left this world by now. I wouldnt do that to them but i think about it on bad days...which seems to be a lot of days...i think it makes my brain feel better to think of it because all the pain im in at the time. Then of course my demons say everyone will be better off without me since im so messed up. Im like garbage, unfixable. I lose hope in God and everything...gets pretty bad.
I also feel so guilty for thinking it and for having all these symptoms and sometimes my kids see these things, crying, rage, isolating,not being able to leave the house...on and on. I want my life back. Im trying to find a therapist now, hopefully by March i will make a decision. wishing you the best. Thanks for sharing

 

[Tinyflame]

Is it possible to think, thankfully one of the best reasons to fight this & stay alive is this beautiful child I have?

Don't worry, it seems my dad may very well have had ptsd, & even if a child doesn't get it all they love you. I am certain to your son you are irreplaceable.

Hang in there & hugs++ to you.

 

[Mit]

I have struggled with this too. I have two sons, now both teenagers. They were 10 and 11 when I attempted suicide four years ago. In the intervening years I have battled thoughts of suicide, and like you it has been my love for them and their love for me that has often prevented me.

Last Christmas I had a very low spell and had intense thoughts about suicide, and I made plans. Then the reality of the consequences really hit home, and I realised just how much I loved my family, and how much harm my suicide would do to them. Since then I have had less frequent thoughts and am starting to believe that suicide isn't necessary, or an option.

You are not alone in feeling like this. Those feelings can and will change, and for what better reason than the love of a child. Please take comfort and hope from that.

Mit

 

[Ellabella44]

I have thought of this off and on as well, the thought of them finding me the next morning woke me up last time i had a plan. That and I was too drunk to get anything and do it. I scared myself bad enough to quit drinking and I stopped the day after.

Our cat died recently after my worst depression where i was crying for days and didnt want to leave my room. I was thinking of it again during that week, I got to see what it would do to them if i left them when we took Clover to the vet to put her to sleep. I dont want to hurt them like that.

 

[StellaBlue]

You are not alone (I'm a single mom with 3 kids) and it is very difficult. Like @Sighs, I'm a "yeah, me too BUT I'm not there now"....but I'm not naive enough to believe it can't happen again. However, I've worked very hard to put things in place to make it as unlikely as possible. That includes not drinking (well, very rarely, one drink - when I'm with friends and stable), working on keeping my emotions regulated, learning to recognize if I've been triggered or am sliding into depression, working on distress tolerance and grounding strategies, taking care of myself, self-nurturing, etc.

That said, it sounds like you're in a place right now where small steps...just making it through the day or the hour or the minute...are what you need to do. Are you in counseling? Do you have a doctor who can recommend medication (I haven't had any luck with medication, but many others have)? Have you considered a DBT skills group (this has literally saved my life)?

When I was in that place, I did get a book on adult survivors of parental suicide. It was hard to read, but it kept me focused on how much it would damage my children. And I had a counselor who was very blunt about the effect it would have on the kids (he basically said he would use anything he had - even guilt and shame - to keep me alive).

And the guilt...yes. Would my kids have been better off with a parent who was mentally stable? Sure. Do I feel guilty about that? Yes but not so much any more - but it certainly was something that ate me alive when I was depressed and suicidal. Today I focus on today - what can I do today to keep myself safe and happy and by doing so, become the best parent I can be. Oh, and letting go of the perfect parent thing...that's a hard one too, but it will also feed into the self-loathing if you don't.

The nasty thing about suicidal depression is that it convinces you that it is forever. It doesn't have to be.

 

[catjudo]

I'm a single mom of a 10 year old daughter. I have full custody...staying with her father is not an option. I have many times over the years slipped into that place of suicidal thoughts. A little over a month ago my depression had convinced me that she would actually be better off without me. I had an active plan to kill myself. Thankfully my friend could tell I was in a bad place and she gently pushed me to get more help and offered to take care of my daughter while I was getting that help. My doctor knew I was in a bad, dangerous place and was able to convince me to sign myself into the hospital. I'm doing much better now but, like others have said, I'm not naive enough to think I won't ever have suicidal thoughts again.

One thing that did really get through to my depressed brain and really made an impression on me was how difficult of a time my daughter had being separated from me. My friends took really good care of her but I was away from her for almost three weeks. My daughter understood why I had to go and was okay with the decision at first. But once we were apart, even though we talked on the phone daily and she was able to visit me in the hospital once and she knew I was coming back to her...despite all that, she cried and begged me to come back almost daily. She had a really hard time with the separation. And it made me think about how hard this was on her when she still got to talk to me every day and knew I was coming back...if that was that hard on her I can't imagine how much worse it would be for her if I were dead and she couldn't see or talk to me ever again. It was a moment of clarity for me.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

In a word YES. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of and that these feelings were all part of my condition but hey, guess what, I still do feel ashamed of looking after my children when we were together and feeling suicidal on a regular basis.

My :hug:s Secret on this matter.

Laurie

 

[risingsun]

I think you are a wonderful mother from everything you have shared and talked about. It cannot be easy being a full-time parent and dealing with all you are dealing with emotionally. And knowing that you would never do anything to yourself, keeping yourself safe, and putting your son above all -despite all you've been through- that is the unselfish walk of the mother which has been your walk. And if you cannot always hide it, don't beat yourself up about it . . . . your son is learning about compassion and love and understanding.

Blessings to you my friend. Hey I tried to message you but your inbox is full by the way. Warmest always to you my friend. :hug:

 

[Alejandro Berry]

It happens mostly when we are in pressure in life, I had this experience in past but then took a counselors help and now I am living a happy life.