Suicidalness = I don't want to live THIS life

[DharmaGirl]

So, things got sooooo bad that I've finally gone back on HRT.

I had a breakdown at age 52 because of menopause. My doctor told me she didn't want to mess with my hormones since I was suicidal, but had she, I could have skipped the breakdown, loss of career, the damage to my son. I didn't realize it was partially my hormones until menopause was over. Thank the gods you got back on because my loved ones and I went through hell!

 

[Ecdysis]

Yes, it's shocking how much misinformation is out there about menopause, hormones and HRT - even among doctors!! It's considered to be a "women's issue" and hence treated as being unimportant.

I saw so many Dr's asking them "what on earth is wrong with me?" and listing all my symptoms and not one of them said "it could be peri-menopause". In the end, my partner complaining to his (male) co-worker about how bad my health issues were, had that guy saying "Sounds like it could be menopause".

Even then, it was such a struggle to get Dr's on board with it... It's taken me 4 years of struggle to get it sorted out and things have been a MESS during that time. I was fired from 3 jobs because I simply wasn't coping at work - and I'd NEVER been fired before in my entire life.

Sorry you've gone through it too... It makes me so mad to think that not only have generations of women before us suffered through this, but that millions of women are still suffering through it today, just because Dr's are so badly informed. I ended up complaining about this to everyone I could find and someone ended up telling me that during their university training, doctors have ONE lecture on menopause. If they miss that lecture or aren't paying attention that day, their knowledge about it is basically zero. If they attend the lecture and pay attention, that one hour of basic information is what they've got and that's it. What truly shocked me tho, is how badly informed a lot of ob gyn's are. I assumed that at least THEY would be experts in menopause but nooooo... Some of them are great, but you really need to search to find them and the bulk of ob gyn's are just full of such crap about menopause... basically repeating rumours that they've heard and saying things that are patently wrong. When I was looking for an ob gyn who was really informed about menopause, I saw about 10 or 12 different ones and they'd just tell me such rubbish and they'd all be contradicting each other too.

Seeing as women are more than 50% of the population, I really, reeeeeeally hope this pathetic health care gap is closed soon and our generation is the last to go through this...

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Seeing as women are more than 50% of the population, I really, reeeeeeally hope this pathetic health care gap is closed soon and our generation is the last to go through this...

True. But let's face it, we had to fight for the right to work, to vote, to work certain 'male' jobs, and let's face it- there is still a gap financially at many jobs for how much women are paid. So while this is an awful oversight and I'm sorry it happened to the both of you (@Ecdysis and @DharmaGirl ) I am not really surprised sadly.
A friend got dismissed for a serious issue because of her weight- and it took until she'd been in the emergency room few times to be taken seriously and figured out it was different issue. And that was in a 'first-world' country... We have a long way to go as a society...
But I am glad if the 2 of you have found some help/relief for your health. The society...that will take time... But I hope you are doing better, both of you.

It's considered to be a "women's issue" and hence treated as being unimportant.

That makes me so mad! People use words to discredit experiences all the time! Like mental health is 'it's in your head'- but hello, your brain is in your head, if you're brain-dead you're close to be considered dead... like it's one of the most important things and it's still dismissed because people go by the ancient greek idea of something being real if you can see or touch it.
Also growing up there was a lot of shaming around my period, which took a long time to get over- and it's literally something that every woman goes through- but you have to be ashamed to talk about it? We have a lot of growing to do as society.

 

[bungle2234]

So, in my early 20s, having just left my abusive family home with raging, as yet undiagnosed PTSD, I was in a desperate state and made the first of 2 suicide attempts.

It ended up being a very deep, life-changing experience... and one of the big lessons I learned was that "not wanting to live" for me meant not wanting to live THIS life, that I was living.

For me, that meant that if I changed the circumstances that were making me want to be dead, then I'd no longer want to die.

Sounds kinda simple and obvious, but I think when you're in so much pain and so desperate that you're suicidal, it's a non-obvious thing. Being dead sounds like the only thing that will make all the pain go away and it can be hard letting go of that idea.

So... I did a lot of trauma therapy... was doing fine... and 20 years later, I got re-traumatised in a way that brought up soooo much more childhood trauma than I ever was aware of before and my life totally started unravelling... relationship breakup, job-loss, financial worries, Covid, menopause, health issues, deaths of loved ones... a giant mess of life challenges and pain and grieving...

I've been soooooo suicidal ever since... much, much worse than in my early 20s.... So much so that I've barely known what to do about it... I'm doing all the "things"... Doing therapy, taking meds, trying to make life changes... But my suicidalness has been raging in the background as I somehow try to make it through every single day without giving into that urge.

Today I had a brief window of seeing my life clearly - kind of like from a bird's eye view - with a sense of distance, like looking at a friend's life - and realising again that just as when I was in my early 20s, my suicidalness = I don't want to live THIS life.

The big difference is tho... In my 20s, I guess I was deeply unhappy with about 80% of my life, but there was this core of 20% of things that I loved and valued and it was something that I could build on.

Now, nearing 50, I feel like 98% of my life is stuff that I don't want, stuff that I resent, stuff that feels wrong, stuff that feels alien to me, stuff that I've outgrown, stuff that reminds me of childhood trauma, stuff that no longer means anything to me, stuff that makes me sad or angry or reminds me of loss, stuff that makes me feel empty, stuff that irritates me and grates on me, stuff that weighs me down, stuff I want to escape, flee, leave behind, run away from...

And I dunno how to deal with that... 98% feels too daunting... Like I'll never manage to change all of that... And 2% feels way too little to cling to, like that will never be enough to see me through this, like that can't possibly be enough to build a new life from...

98% feels so all pervasive... I feel like every single thing I do each day feels wrong... All my possessions, all my furniture... everything feels like it's part of someone else's life, but not mine...

And I feel too old and exhausted and tired and worn out to make those massive changes...

And I don't even know what I want to change all that stuff TO...

I don't know what I WANT

I just know everything that I DON'T want and it feels like an infinitely long list...

But yeah, today, for a while I had that sense of deep clarity that yes, I truly DO need to change 98% of my life fundamentally, as nuts and as impossible as that sounds...

hi
im 53 with diagnosed ptsd i dont want to wake up . the things ive seen still haunt me and on days when i dip in mood i just want to be left alone but theres help out there have a chat with ur gp its astart and they can point u in the right direction