Suicide Isn't A Necessary Option!!

[the racha]

Hello, everyone. I had a couple of breakthroughs recently that I think probably wouldn't mean much to most folks. First the big one: the other day, for the first time in probably 15 years, it just hit me that suicide does not have to be an option, or even an avenue that I pursue! I still remember sitting in class in high school and writing a note to my friend that I should maybe just kill myself... I am so, so very protective of this progress, . I know that PTSD is like an inverted, backwards, sideways rollercoaster but this is one advance that I am going to work very hard to keep. I can literally feel the absence of suicide in my system; it's like I see the world through a different lens, like all of a sudden I realized that my life does not have to end by my own hand. I have yet to graduate to the point where we can put the knife block back in the kitchen (small steps, small steps!) but it feels like the first time that I've had real hope in this way. I do not have to kill myself!!!! Unbelievable!!

Secondly, for the first time since my hospitalization (so about 5 months), I have wanted to be alone. Not in a bad way, but in a great way, like "I need some space to breathe and just be with myself." I almost can't believe it; I'd forgotten what it felt like to just want to be by myself and watch TV or read things, or even just run errands and listen to music. I even got annoyed the other day when someone called-- ha! :rofl:

Thanks to everyone's support here on this site. I am by no means done with my healing, but the past couple of weeks have truly been wonderful. I have been through enough-- and we, collectively, have been through enough-- to know that I will need every drop of these great feelings to get me through whatever the future may hold. So let's build up our reserve of great feelings!!

For anyone who is reading these "success stories" for inspiration (as I did and still do), please know that you can have great days with PTSD. Today, I try to worry less about the inevitability of a disappointing setback. Instead, I try my best to live in the moment and enjoy the small steps of progress that I am taking every day. I may never fully know the extent to which PTSD has commanded my life, but I do know and am aware of every day that the PTSD does not command my life.

I do not believe that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that I have the power to positively affect the outcomes of the horrible things that happened to me. PTSD happened to me, but I am trying my best every day to focus on the unique perspective on life that I have as a result. Not the "super-anxious-can't-leave-my-condo" perspective, but a greater appreciation for simple friendship, uncomplicated love, good company, a desire to see tomorrow, and my nutty dog. :hello:

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear racha,

That's about the biggest breakthrough anyone could just about ever have, I would say.
I am very happy for you!

I bet you you will experience a lot of healing in "leaps and bounds" since this great step.
Congratulations! :occasion:

 

[fin]

This is great news Racha, thankyou for sharing it here.

This is pretty awesome in so many ways and the hope that your writing will evoke will I am sure be phenomenol....(and Im sorry but I am thinking maybe i have not spelt that right).

This truely is the good stuff we are all looking for, you deserve to be proud, it is a credit to you and the work that you have put in, that you are feeling this way. And I believe you are right to be protective of your progress, I hold mine close to me and on the days that it is singing out from inside me I treasure it. Well done you


Thankyou for sharing it and congratulations


~fin

 

[the racha]

Thank you!

 

[2quilt]

How about a list of why you can't kill yourself.

1. The chocolate you would not get to eat
2.

 

[Nicolette]

Great shift in attitude!

 

[Jade-]

What an uplifting, positive post...

 

[AdamAnt]

I always thought suicide was a permanent solution to a temporary problem...you just proved it! Way to go!

 

[gdf]

2quilt--how about: Stay alive just to aggravate your therapist ; )

 

[Joe Jordan]

Hello Racha,

Your post is very inspiring to me because I am at that beginning stage with suicidal thoughts. My wife is leaving me and I wish that I could just get to that point of feeling ok being alone. I guess that I will have to pay my dues and get through it like you have. It's wonderful to know that someone has been where I am now and has moved through the pain. I wish you continued success and peace. Thanks again!
Joe Jordan

 

[shadowchaser]

Let me say congratulations and thank you for choosing to stay alive. I know how tough it is. I almost lost that battle once. It was a friend who pulled me out of it. I saw the reactions of those close to me and understood that suicide wouldn't end my pain. It would just push it onto those I care about.

 

[sky dancer]

I'm so happy to read this thread. To get to the point of feeling the absence of suicidal ideation is wonderful. My therapist says that progress shows itself often as the absence of something.

I had a dissociative episode last year that resulted in a kind of suicide attempt. (Took pills and alcohol and luckily just slept it off.) What was scary about it was I did it without my conscious mind, if that makes any sense. Scared hell out of me. The only good thing is it put my therapist on alert for dissociation, which made my work with EMDR safer.

I don't post much at the PTSD forum, but I want to make success threads a favorite place to visit. It's so important to celebrate success.