Undiagnosed 'sup, New Member Here. Do I Truly Got Ptsd?

[Lanter]

If you don't feel like reading, I bolded out the most important part for you.

Hey there folks,

Not good at introductions and what not but gonna give this a go anyhow, seeing as some questions are badly stinging me and need to be answered.

I have hit a wall, or well, did so a roughly one and a half years ago. My life's quality kept spiraling down and down and down until I hit the point where I couldn't study and work anymore. My symptoms match up with what some folk like to call brain fog (I am confused, can't grasp the simplest of concepts, both my spelling and vocabulary and pronouncation have gone out the window) a long with some of the typical stress symptoms (f*cked up sleeping pattern, constantly on the edge and super tense, daily headaches, short of breath, incredibly tired all day long). What causes it, I can't tell for sure. Chemical imbalance, certain deficiencies or just plain concentrational issues?

First thing I did was look for professional help, both psychological and medical. In both directions I have been getting a hard time. My doctor refuses to believe or even play with the possibility of it being anything else than mental issues and finding proper mental care has been incredibly hard. I have been sent to diffirent organizations and have been in many queues for over a year now. Though I am slowly starting to get there now. Mean while my therapist has been trying to help me get rid of some of the things like my daily headaches and breathing issues and what not but aside from that there is little she can do. She has been trying to get me to different psychologists for over half a year now, and one thing she and some of the other folk at her practice decided would be good to try is EMDR. They have referred me to a psychologist for this before, but after the first interview she said my problems are too structural. But they still believe this is the right way to go, referred me to a new psychologist, and now within a few weeks I will get to give it another go with a different psychologist.

Thing is though, I am not convinced I got PTSD at all. I have been in 2 robberies and saw my mother die at early age. But it doesn't bother me, no flash backs, no nightmares, no nothing. Even when I specifically recall the moment and relive it, it leaves me cold. It's a thing of the past. It bothered me before but I got over it, as things go. Does anyone recognize themselves in this?

Also, sorry if this wasn't the easiest read ever. Like I mentioned earlier in this post, being articulate for me is troublesome but I did my best to make this as clear as possible for you folks.

 

[Jen93]

If it doesn't bother you, you don't have flashbacks- and your doctor doesn't say that you have PTSD then you don't. Most people after going through a traumatic event DON'T go through PTSD. Be lucky if the doctor says you don't have it.

 

[Lanter]

That's the thing though, they do believe I may have it and want to have me treated for it. I voiced my concern but eventually agreed to it, if they truly believed it would help me. They are the professionals after all. But seeing as it could be expensive, I might wanna have to think this over again. Thanks for your response, perhaps I can balance my stance on the topic a bit better in the first interview now.

 

[Lucycat]

But it doesn't bother me, no flash backs, no nightmares, no nothing. Even when I specifically recall the moment and relive it, it leaves me cold.

This is a bit how I was when I started therapy. T has told me when I first told him 'about my story' it was just like I was telling him about some random stranger. No feelings. Numb.

I have had EMDR and ongoing therapy for 2 years now. I went through feeling TOO much but am now much more on an even keel. I now DO have feelings when I think of my trauma, but I can cope with it. It is MY trauma, MY past.

If you have been diagnosed with PTSD then I would think that it could be entirely accurate even without all the flashbacks. However, that does not me that when you 'thaw out' they wont come then - until you have truly processed the memories instead of freezing them out.

I am not sure that this is what you want to hear, and of course it is only one opinion. You really do need to listen to your doctor and therapist and take their advice.

best wishes,
Lucy x

 

[Lanter]

Thanks a lot for the response Lucy, it's greatly appreciated. It's good to hear things from another angle, that's what I came here for after all: To balance my opinion out a little, because I really don't know what to think about all of this. I guess I'll just sit out my first interview with the lady and see what she has to say. At the same time, I am also queued up for another, more structural and steady form of help in a clinic, though they are not entirely sure where to put me yet. I will have a psycho-analysis there in two days.

You already have been in EMDR therapy for two years? Oh my, I was hoping it would be a quick solution, if it a solution at all. That is the impression they have given me. I was told that EMDR should have effect within 8 or 10 sessions or so? It DID sound too good to be true.

I am not closing my eyes to anything. I am ready to embrace whatever issues I may have, as long as they lead to a solution. I just want my life back, is all. That said, I don't got an unlimited supply of cash, though my dad is at least financially supportive in all of this. I still don't want to throw it at something that is most likely worthless though.

By the way, did your symptoms (I really can't conjure up the right word right now) introduce themselves immediately after you went through your traumatic experience, or did they steadily introduce themselves over a longer period of time?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Lanter and welcome to the forum:)

It sounds like you got your diagnosis. I am glad you are seeing someone. You did'nt get this way overnight and you won't heal overnight.

I am supposed to do EMDR but I am not knowledgable about it. I would rather have something that does'nt take so long. I will have to do research on it some more before I commit to it.

I think you are wise for being cautious because it is your life. It is good that you are here and asking questions, I hope you get the answers you are looking for.

For me I had anger that kept erupting out of me. That got me into therapy. Then I had issues I did'nt know I had. the other symptoms came along later as I was uncovering stuff. I am doing alot better, I struggle with daily low grade anxiety and a driving phobia on the freeways.

I'm doing better than I was. I went through a period when I had alot of nightmares, but now I'm on risperdone for the nightmares. I don't get flashbacks like I did. my symptoms are more easily managed. My psychiatrist thinks the EMDR would help with the flashbacks , the memories and the anxiety. Like I said I need to find out more about it first.

Like you I want something that leads to a solution and not get mired down and stuck in all the muck of my own ptsd, I hope this helps and does not hurt. Take what you like and leave the rest.

take care and be well.

 

[Lanter]

Perhaps I did, maybe I am just not completely ready to accept it myself yet, since I completely don't feel traumatized. Yeah, I won't heal overnight but I haven't been making much progress either over the last one and a half year. I do occasionally make progress, but it's such a fragile thing and often just fall back into my old patterns. And once I do, I can't seem to remember what exactly made me decently clear headed. The last year or so has been one big blur. Weeks pass like they are days, and months like they are weeks. I only seem to remember key moments. It's just like I don't absorb the world around me anymore. It floats by, out of my control.

After the second robbery and some relational issues with this girl I really cared for I also had a lot of anger issues. Been close to striking both my dad and my best pal a fist in the face over absolutely nothing a few times. Not to mention the random outbursts and how many radios that has cost me (I always threw my radio at the wall :whistling: ). I managed to suppress those though, I still get them occasionally, but it's nothing I can't handle anymore. The same goes for sadness. I even manage to decently be in control of fear/anxiety these days, though it most certainly is the biggest beast to tame and still goes rogue every now and then. Have you eventually managed to control your anger? It's not the emotions I am personally worried about, it's just my general mental state. Though I can't say for sure the two are mutually exclusive. Because oddly as soon as I feel emotion my concentration also partially seems to return. But that is one of a gazillion little observations I can do very little with. What doesn't help is that they tend to contradict each other. Suddenly this quote comes to mind: "if the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.", I am not sure who exactly said it but it makes me shake my fist in frustration. Curse your complex self, brain!

That sounds heavy. I used to have flashbacks/nightmares of my first robbery also, but they didn't really last too long. Only for a few months or so I'd say. I do recognize myself in the ungrounded anxiety. There is a lot of stuff that makes me nervous that really shouldn't. Though that has been slightly better the last few weeks.

Hell, in time, if we keep trying, a solution must come a long eventually right? I'd like to believe that everything, with the right amount of effort is achievable. It's probably like most saying a load a bull with a slight bit of truth to it but meh I am listening to Assad's musical iTunes library and enjoying the man's taste too much to care.

For how long have you been struggling with all this btw?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

hi, I do not have anger erupting out of me anymore. I took a anger managemnt class. It helped alot. I got tired of being such a angry person. I went to al anon and got myself a sponser that I talk to during te week a few times on the phone. I got tired of the insanity.

I started therapy in 1985. It has been a long and complicated journey. I had alot of trauma as a childhood in my family of origin.


I had alot of trauma as a teenager. Got into drugs and acting out behaviors. It was'nt until I settled down and got married and had a baby son that the anger started to explode out of me.

I had 9 years of therapy and then I quit . I figured I would be in therapy the rest of my life and needed to learn how to think for myself.

The anxiety isn't that bad, just enough to make me uncomfortable. I am seeing a psychiatrst for my medications. I hope to do EMDR and get some help with the anxiety. I am a caregiver 24/7 and my life has changed alot. I do not get a break and alot of my life is have to nowl. I need some healthy acceptance.

I wish you well.

 

[Lanter]

Sorry for the wall of text. I don't expect you to read it, and most definitely not to respond to it. No hard feelings if you don't. It's nice to write things off my chest though, especially because this way there at least seems to be some lesser form of concentration in me. That's more than there generally is.

That's good to hear. Anger is a terrible emotion, it's so destructiveness. And in such a direct way.

Having someone to talk to is great, especially if they are distant and unbiased. At least that's my experience. I find it hard to talk to folk I am close too. I got my therapist for that currently. I get to whine like a little bitch, no strings attached, besides paying the bill. It's great! :p What happened to you as a kid anyhow? I am not trying to invade your personal space here or whatever, just genuinely interested.

Understandable. It's tempting to look for something to sooth the pain. I have been heavily drinking for a while but managed to get my shit together before it got out of hand. All in all, it only lasted about a month or 4 but in the end I was down to the point where I got drunk to the point I fell asleep every night. That isn't a way to life, it sure as hell didn't make me any happier. The light drinking was nice though. It made me feel slightly better, and most definitely more relaxed. It's still tempting me, but meh, f*ck it. As soon as I start I bet it starts spiraling out of control again.

Did the substance abuse and acting out for you somehow manage to mask some of the issues you had going on? Do you feel it was a proper way of dealing with it, I mean do you feel it beat the alternative - whatever that may be? Or do you feel regret looking back at it?

Holy f*ck, and here I am feeling sorry for myself that I have been living in madness for about 2 years now. Way to blow me back into perspective. That's bad. What keeps you going? Do you have certain things in life that balance the suffering out? Also, do you ever wonder how life could've been without all the unfortunate things happening? I find myself asking that question all the time, and it bugs me so bad. I can't stop thinking about it though. Or worse, in what ways I am damaging my personal development in the long term. Like this is the point in my life where I am supposed to bloom. Will I not be able to reach my fullest potential because of this? Will this forever leave a nasty stain on my life? Those thoughts, those f*cking thoughts, they are the worst.

Yeah I know what you mean. I got lesser anxiety also. It doesn't stop me from doing anything. But it's just always there to annoy the shit out of me. I am on no medication yet, and used to be against it. But at this point, I am ready to accept anything if it at least lets me partially pick things back up again. First up, I want to get my drivers license, that would be great.

Caregiver? That's noble. For a relative/friend or for a complete stranger/strangers? I have been thinking about picking up some voluntary work but never got around to it. Everytime I am about to be taken in by a clinic (well not really taken in, just full day sessions for a few days a week, no sleeping there or whatever) but they keep delaying it everytime for a magnitude of reasons.