trying2bethere
New Here
I just found this forum, maybe because I just started looking. I am in the early stages of a relationship with a combat veteran with PTSD. We have known each other for almost a year, emailing and talking, but only tried a relationship starting this past winter. At first, I didn't know the depths of PTSD, but I suspected he must have some, simply being a combat veteran. He gradually opened up to me, and let me know about some of his quiet periods, where I would get no email, or phone responses, and that every time he was quiet, he wanted to reach out to me but never turned thought to action. I always had concerns in the back of my mind about how close we became in two months of seeing each other, being able to talk for hours about so many things, but my concerns came to reality after two months, when family stress, as well as his job forcing him into having to deal with some aftermath of one of his events. I was sad, but not surprised when he broke things off. He said he needed time to heal, and I deserved the opportunity to move on, if I chose. He told me he was guessing he would need a couple of months to work on himself, sort out whether he was clinging to me blindly, or whether we had something, but we could not be "just friends." He needed complete separation. We went for three months with no contact, then he got back in touch with me. He said that his breaking it off was a bad decision for him, in his mind, he had a lot of regrets, but he forced himself to stick to his decision to let me move on and find someone less broken, and that if I had, he would support it. I still have feelings for him, and from bits and pieces of his conversation, he does for me as well. In fact he seemed to try to start off where we left off initially, until we saw each other again in person. That first time was definitely hard for him, but he was aware of what he was doing, how he was behaving, and could talk me through some of it. He is trying to ease into the emotional aspects, trying to give us as much of a chance as he can being only partway healed. We really jumped in way too quickly emotionally, PTSD or not. He has asked me for patience, told me he is doing very well (which I believe, since he has several events that are behind his PTSD), and told me that he will get there.
I guess where I need help is that he has made me part of his "trust circle." I don't know at what point I became one of the inner circle of supporters, but he has told me things that he needs help with that he will not disclose to most people, like places we may never go to as a couple, or times where I will have to do something for him that may seem like a simple everyday task. I don't have a problem with him discussing any of his events with me, but he seems to open up and lose control of whatever filters he has between brain and mouth that kick in to hold back what he isn't ready to talk about. Then he withdraws and gets very distant within a day or two with no warning. I don't know him well enough to know when he has crossed beyond his comfort level, and I shouldn't stop him if he has, right? Wouldn't that be worse than letting him say too much? I am starting to realize that the conversations should be my warning, but I have no idea how to handle it, we haven't had time to really discuss how I should handle it, and I don't think he can verbalize clearer than he needs me to understand that I have to be patient, and avoid emotionally overwhelming him. On good days, he texts several times a day to check in, see how my day is, on a not so good day, he checks in later in the day, not often, makes sure he says good night, on a bad day, I might get "morning" and "going to sleep." How do I let him know that I'm not angry or hurt by his bad days, that I know he will talk to me when he can, that I will be here when he's back out of the whirlwind, without overwhelming him, or making him feel guilty for getting sucked in again? How much of my contact would slip over into overwhelming? It's already destroyed one marriage of his, and numerous family ties, how can I make it clear that my eyes are open, I have some idea of what I am getting into, and I am responsible for my feelings in regards to this unwelcome other "partner" in our relationship?
I guess where I need help is that he has made me part of his "trust circle." I don't know at what point I became one of the inner circle of supporters, but he has told me things that he needs help with that he will not disclose to most people, like places we may never go to as a couple, or times where I will have to do something for him that may seem like a simple everyday task. I don't have a problem with him discussing any of his events with me, but he seems to open up and lose control of whatever filters he has between brain and mouth that kick in to hold back what he isn't ready to talk about. Then he withdraws and gets very distant within a day or two with no warning. I don't know him well enough to know when he has crossed beyond his comfort level, and I shouldn't stop him if he has, right? Wouldn't that be worse than letting him say too much? I am starting to realize that the conversations should be my warning, but I have no idea how to handle it, we haven't had time to really discuss how I should handle it, and I don't think he can verbalize clearer than he needs me to understand that I have to be patient, and avoid emotionally overwhelming him. On good days, he texts several times a day to check in, see how my day is, on a not so good day, he checks in later in the day, not often, makes sure he says good night, on a bad day, I might get "morning" and "going to sleep." How do I let him know that I'm not angry or hurt by his bad days, that I know he will talk to me when he can, that I will be here when he's back out of the whirlwind, without overwhelming him, or making him feel guilty for getting sucked in again? How much of my contact would slip over into overwhelming? It's already destroyed one marriage of his, and numerous family ties, how can I make it clear that my eyes are open, I have some idea of what I am getting into, and I am responsible for my feelings in regards to this unwelcome other "partner" in our relationship?
