Supporters & sufferers - telling your spouse about ptsd

[piratelady]

I am finally attempting to take the advice of some of my friends on this site as well as my therapist. I'm going to tell my husband that I have PTSD. I've been thinking about it this week, and what I'm most afraid of. I've gotten through most of my fears. I know he won't use it against me, I think I know how he will react.

The last fear I'm trying to get through is that he'll find this website. He's the type to research something he doesn't understand. This is a big and far reaching website, it's bound to come up. What if he finds it, and finds out who I am, reads my posts?

Has that happened to anyone else?

 

[blackemerald1]

It hasn't happened to me...no partner.

But I appreciate what you are saying. I think you are very brave to tell your husband btw.

But even if he did come up with this website when searching wouldn't he be reading the research/articles mostly? Trying to work out what PTSD is...rather than looking for you?

Would he recognise your name or something identifying about you...what would be the chance realistically?

Do you clear your cache after use? If not do that.

Does he have access to your device or do you share the same device?

And...worst case scenario ..if he did find this website and identified you... aside from knowing you have been here and used it for support...would this be really bad for you?

 

[somerandomguy]

My wife knows I use this site. I haven't told her not to look at it ... I have told her that I'd prefer if she didn't look, but she isn't the snooping type and frankly isn't very interested in the topic. I am sure she could find me here with ease if she wanted to - I don't really hide my browser screen when she's around and my avatar is pretty noticeable.

I guess the question is: how much do you trust your husband? Why not just tell your husband that you're here on this site and that you'd like to keep it private, so please don't pry? That would allay your fears about him accidentally stumbling on here if you trust him.

 

[piratelady]

Would he recognise your name or something identifying about you...what would be the chance realistically?

I think some of my posts he would recognize me in. But I also don't post a whole lot, so I guess that reduces the odds.

would this be really bad for you?

My biggest fear about it is that he found my diary on here. I intend to tell him I have PTSD. I don't intend to give him the details of the abuse. I don't want those images of me in his head ever.

you'd like to keep it private, so please don't pry?

I do think he would respect that if I asked. Maybe I'll try to keep this in mind if/when it becomes necessary.

Thank you both for your input :)

 

[joeylittle]

My biggest fear about it is that he found my diary on here. I intend to tell him I have PTSD. I don't intend to give him the details of the abuse

FYI, if your diary is in the members diary area, he wouldn’t be able to see it unless he joined. Those diaries don’t come up via searches, and are only accessible to members, not guests.

I personally think that it’s easier to set boundaries than to worry about whether or not they will be breached (if that makes sense). Tell him you are part of an online support group, and how you’d like him to relate to it.

 

[grit]

I would find it odd if he does not already know you have PTSD! I am assuming you live together so he has some inkling about your health, reaction, habits etc.

So it may make sense to him. I am also sorry you are in this predicament of feeling you need to disclose this as if it is end of the world.

About the site, for me at least, my husband knows I use the internet a lot...we make jokes about my addiction to group therapies and comment sites. I also have all my passwords saved in our shared PC and he is IT so he can look up anytime he wants but he has no interest in that sense. For me there is nothing I would share in public that I would not share with the man I chose to spend my life with...
I felt if this man can decide my "pull off the plug", he needs to know who I am.

I hope you have a safe marriage where you can be you but if you do not, I hope you have other support to balance out.

 

[piratelady]

So it may make sense to him.

I'm sure it will honestly. Since we've been together, I've been doing well. It's only recently I've been struggling more. He's worried and doesn't know what to do or how to help. When we first met, he learned certain things to do and not to around me, but we never talked about why. My therapist thinks it's time to talk about why.

For me there is nothing I would share in public that I would not share with the man I chose to spend my life with...

Ultimately, it goes back to my shame regarding the sexual abuse I endured. I used my diary as a place to get that out. It's one thing to have fellow sufferers reading it on here and offering input and support. I'll likely never meet any of you. It's different when the man I live with has that visual in his head. It would just make me feel more ashamed and make him very sad.

I hope you have a safe marriage where you can be you

I do. My therapist thinks that by me not sharing with him a part of what I'm going through I'm not allowing him to help me and ultimately it does drive a bit of a wedge between us. My goal is to open up a little bit and let him support me like it's clear he wants to do. He doesn't know how to though. It's kind of hard to help him help me if I can't tell him what's wrong. I hope that makes sense.

 

[grit]

I can feel your trepidation and sexual abuse is just one of those things that are very hard to disclose. I wish I could add more but I think you will feel it in your heart how much to share or disclose.

 

[Mach123]

Yes it's a familiar feeling? I smile whenever I read a post like this it makes me remember. I don't know if it's happened to anyone else, but I'd be willing to bet a majority of us thought about it. : )

 

[TruthSeeker]

I am finally attempting to take the advice of some of my friends on this site as well as my therapis...

Big fear.real fear. Keep safety first. Don’t tell specifics. Trust your instincts.

 

[Abstract]

Well done for looking at this and potentially taking that next step. :tup: Its very brave. Something I haven't done despite 23 years of marriage. Not very curious husband, obviously. Also one that greatly respects my boundaries and allows me massive amounts of space. But I have big feelings of guilt because some of it must be really disturbing, confusing and crazy making. And probably a lot of it is likely to be misunderstood and affect the way the way he feels in our "relationship".

Do you think this has impacted him and your ability to get real support in the relationship? It sounds like you are taking a lot of new steps recently.

 

[piratelady]

I chickened out and haven't told him. My symptoms subsided, in a sense, and now he thinks everything is fine again and we've gone to pretending like none of it ever happened... not the healthiest I know. Maybe if/when things get bad again I will be able to tell him? It seems weird to bring it up now, like what would I say, "Remember when I wasn't sleeping and I was super irritable a couple weeks ago? Yeah that was PTSD!"

I don't know I'm torn on how to proceed from here. Neither of us are good at dealing with feelings so I think we're both content to stick our heads in the sand, as unhealthy as it may be.

Do you think this has impacted him and your ability to get real support in the relationship?

When I was suffering, it was impacting him. He doesn't like it when I'm not doing well, but at the same time, he also doesn't know how to handle it. I think that's part of what makes me nervous about telling him, he wouldn't know what to do with the information..