Thanksgiving Triggers and Troubles

[Lulu95]

Hello all, I feel so alone and I just really really need some kind words of help with two things.

I am back at my partner's family home, which coincidentally is in the same town where my ex-abuser lives. I have been dissociating all Thanksgiving break and my heart is pounding non-stop. I feel like I am making it up because sometimes when we come here I feel okay, but this time it is really hitting me hard. I can't seem to focus, or even engage in conversation. I know I must be acing and seeming so strange to them, but I can't even seem to interact with myself normally, let alone them, right now.

On top of that, they are really well off people. I have nothing against rich people, but it can be really upsetting when they keep going on and on about stories of being graduate students and "living hand to mouth" on their student stipend with their millionaire parents support to fall back on. They keep talking about "having to eat chicken instead of beef" like it is some sort of horrible trauma. I am trying so hard to be nice, and just be silent, but they keep going on about how they were poor and all I want to scream is that I literally grew up in a house where I starved all the time because we couldn't afford food. I don't understand how they can live on such a different planet. I never talk about my childhood because it is so depressing, and I certainly don't talk about my previous relationship with a sexually and physically abusive person in this town. So, I know I can't expect them to understand me. But, they seem so beyond reach I don't even know if it would be worth it to disclose anything.

My fiancé is really busy and is having a hard time being here for me right now, so here I sit in the living room half dissociated and ready to scream/cry/cut myself. Does or has anyone else been through this and if so, how do you cope?

Here's hoping your thanksgivings are a little better

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @Lulu95, sorry that your having a tough time. It sounds like your maybe triggered being in the same town as your ex and having difficulty relating with the hosts of the house. That would be awkward. Is it difficult to have conversation with them?

 

[Lulu95]

Hi @Lulu95, sorry that your having a tough time. It sounds like your maybe triggered being in the same town as your ex and having difficulty relating with the hosts of the house. That would be awkward. Is it difficult to have conversation with them?

Thanks for your reply and your empathy. Yeah, I feel so out of place. I might as well be an alien- we are so different. I try so hard to be open minded, but almost everything they say I end up feeling offended by. It is probably me being unfair, but I can’t stop the feeling anyways. I feel lost and don’t know how to talk to them. Have you ever been through this type of thing?

 

[woodsy1]

Hello all, I feel so alone and I just really really need some kind words of help with two things.

I am back at my partner's family home, which coincidentally is in the same town where my ex-abuser lives. I have been dissociating all Thanksgiving break and my heart is pounding non-stop. I feel like I am making it up because sometimes when we come here I feel okay, but this time it is really hitting me hard. I can't seem to focus, or even engage in conversation. I know I must be acing and seeming so strange to them, but I can't even seem to interact with myself normally, let alone them, right now.

I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. If you are like me then you're probably in a place where many standard grounding techniques don't even come close to working. Breath. Touch. Smell. Listen. See. Rubber band on the wrist. Distract.

Sometimes mindfulness stuff helps me. But when I'm where it seems you are, sometimes they don't. It is good to know you are not alone and you are not going crazy. It feels like we're going crazy, but we're not.

On top of that, they are really well off people. I have nothing against rich people, but it can be really upsetting when they keep going on and on about stories of being graduate students and "living hand to mouth" on their student stipend with their millionaire parents support to fall back on. They keep talking about "having to eat chicken instead of beef" like it is some sort of horrible trauma. I am trying so hard to be nice, and just be silent, but they keep going on about how they were poor and all I want to scream is that I literally grew up in a house where I starved all the time because we couldn't afford food. I don't understand how they can live on such a different planet. I never talk about my childhood because it is so depressing, and I certainly don't talk about my previous relationship with a sexually and physically abusive person in this town. So, I know I can't expect them to understand me. But, they seem so beyond reach I don't even know if it would be worth it to disclose anything.

It's hard bringing two very different worlds together. I'm guessing that trying to do so while already in a triggered state would not be fruitful. Maybe, if it seems worthwhile to you, you could arrange a time to share your story with these folks. They might reciprocate or not. But they would likely empathize with you and you would all likely grow closer because of it. Something to think about anyhow.

My fiancé is really busy and is having a hard time being here for me right now, so here I sit in the living room half dissociated and ready to scream/cry/cut myself. Does or has anyone else been through this and if so, how do you cope?

Yes. I've been there. But I can't promise that I have the best coping mechanisms. It all depends on the situation. In one like yours at current, I would likely try to escape for a bit to get grounded.

Maybe go for a walk. Go for a drive. At the very least, go to the farthest room or restroom and BREATH. For at least 5 minutes. Feel the wall. Notice it's temp and texture. Run my fingers over my head. Visualize a peaceful place.

Like I said, sometimes such tools help if even only a little. Sometimes not so much.

Here's hoping your thanksgivings are a little better

Thank you! It's really a testimony to your character that you are still thinking of us and our happiness when you are feeling so trapped and miserable.

I hope you have as good a day as possible, all things considered.

Woodsy1

 

[Friday]

On top of that, they are really well off people. I have nothing against rich people, but it can be really upsetting when they keep going on and on about stories of being graduate students and "living hand to mouth" on their student stipend with their millionaire parents support to fall back on. They keep talking about "having to eat chicken instead of beef" like it is some sort of horrible trauma. I am trying so hard to be nice, and just be silent, but they keep going on about how they were poor and all I want to scream is that I literally grew up in a house where I starved all the time because we couldn't afford food. I don't understand how they can live on such a different planet. I never talk about my childhood because it is so depressing, and I certainly don't talk about my previous relationship with a sexually and physically abusive person in this town. So, I know I can't expect them to understand me. But, they seem so beyond reach I don't even know if it would be worth it to disclose anything

I’d lay real money on the table you’re totally wrong about what’s happening, here.

That rather than placing a measure on hardship? That they’ve got 2 young people, just starting out, under their roofs... and are warmly remiscining about when they were 2 young people, just starting out.

Warmly reminiscing about times gone by ...comes along with a lot of dramatic reactions (Oh no! <gasp> Laughing! Smack! <failed attempt to explain to others> back to normal conversation... remember the chicken?! Oh! Oh it was AWFUL! I had this entire thing plaaaaaaned, and well you know Roger, -Mary! They don’t need this story!- Well, alright. But it was a very difficult thing, at the time. Thank GOODNESS we don’t have to make those kinds of decisions today.), and in-jokes, and sudden memories, and making connections that leave other people tilting their heads at...

((there’s good reason why most people “leave you two to catch up” when this sort of thing is new; they weren’t a part of that time period so they’re very much on the outside. But when it’s family? Rather than hours and hours of in-jokes and stories that make little to no sense, it’s just 10 seconds here, 10 seconds there, throughout the weekend rather than neglecting their guests))

...and attempts to reassure their kids, rather than scare them, & to make those connections in their heads/hearts so that when THEY are eyeballs deep in difficult times just starting out? They will come to you, knowing that you haven’t “always” been Mary Poppins practically perfect in every way... you’ve cried on the kitchen floor, and lied to landlords, and been in a few scrapes yourself... and can give advice. Or a shoulder to cry on. And maybe the occasional ‘jist to see you through’ cheque.

^^^^ It’s a completely different thing than the Oppression Olympics ^^^^

Because warm happy thoughts? Don’t go along with rapes, and miscarriages, and being suicidal, and someone you love best in the world dying, and the other REAL bad things that may have ALSO happened during that time frame. Those things? Aren’t up for public consumption, and aren’t what people bond over whilst remembering happily. If they’re spoken of at all? It’s 1:1, in private confidence, and usually only when someone else is going through it. Warm happy memories? Are around things like chicken instead of beef.

And, sure. I could be totally wrong. They could be absolutely horrible people who aren’t trotting out their war-stories for fun & forging connections... but just to make others feel bad. But I’ve seen this sort of thing countless times... like bringing a baby into the office creates almost a stampede of coo’ing women? Young couples just starting out make long term couples start talking about when THEY just started out.

 

[Justmehere]

A grounding trick I use for gatherings where my heart is racing and my head is dissociating: get a glass of the closest possible ice water. Hold it and try to notice, really notice how cold the water is. Trade it out now and then for a warm cup of tea. Notice, really notice, the warmth. I also take breaks for walks to "return messages to loved ones" - even if it might just be calling a friend to ask how their day is instead of being around nutty family triggers. It can help get through the time where there isn't support or space to process through the nonsense.

 

[Lulu95]

I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. If you are like me then you're probably in a place where many standard grounding techniques don't even come close to working. Breath. Touch. Smell. Listen. See. Rubber band on the wrist. Distract.

Sometimes mindfulness stuff helps me. But when I'm where it seems you are, sometimes they don't. It is good to know you are not alone and you are not going crazy. It feels like we're going crazy, but we're not.

It's hard bringing two very different worlds together. I'm guessing that trying to do so while already in a triggered state would not be fruitful. Maybe, if it seems worthwhile to you, you could arrange a time to share your story with these folks. They might reciprocate or not. But they would likely empathize with you and you would all likely grow closer because of it. Something to think about anyhow.

Yes. I've been there. But I can't promise that I have the best coping mechanisms. It all depends on the situation. In one like yours at current, I would likely try to escape for a bit to get grounded.

Maybe go for a walk. Go for a drive. At the very least, go to the farthest room or restroom and BREATH. For at least 5 minutes. Feel the wall. Notice it's temp and texture. Run my fingers over my head. Visualize a peaceful place.

Like I said, sometimes such tools help if even only a little. Sometimes not so much.

Thank you! It's really a testimony to your character that you are still thinking of us and our happiness when you are feeling so trapped and miserable.

I hope you have as good a day as possible, all things considered.

Woodsy1

Woodsy1, I really appreciate your thoughts and insights. I ended up going for a walk yesterday after I saw this and it really helped. You are a truly kind human being. Thank you for your support during a hard day. It helped a lot.

A grounding trick I use for gatherings where my heart is racing and my head is dissociating: get a glass of the closest possible ice water. Hold it and try to notice, really notice how cold the water is. Trade it out now and then for a warm cup of tea. Notice, really notice, the warmth. I also take breaks for walks to "return messages to loved ones" - even if it might just be calling a friend to ask how their day is instead of being around nutty family triggers. It can help get through the time where there isn't support or space to process through the nonsense.

Thank you very much. I really appreciate your time and suggestions. <3

 

[woodsy1]

Woodsy1, I really appreciate your thoughts and insights. I ended up going for a walk yesterday after I saw this and it really helped. You are a truly kind human being. Thank you for your support during a hard day. It helped a lot.

Thank you, @Lulu95. I'm glad the walk worked for you. It often helps me.

I'm glad my words helped you feel supported on a hard day. Glad to be of aid to a fellow weary traveler.

I hope you have many good days to come.

Woodsy1

 

[TruthSeeker]

Hello all, I feel so alone and I just really really need some kind words of help with two things.

I am back at my partner's family home, which coincidentally is in the same town where my ex-abuser lives. I have been dissociating all Thanksgiving break and my heart is pounding non-stop. I feel like I am making it up because sometimes when we come here I feel okay, but this time it is really hitting me hard. I can't seem to focus, or even engage in conversation. I know I must be acing and seeming so strange to them, but I can't even seem to interact with myself normally, let alone them, right now.

On top of that, they are really well off people. I have nothing against rich people, but it can be really upsetting when they keep going on and on about stories of being graduate students and "living hand to mouth" on their student stipend with their millionaire parents support to fall back on. They keep talking about "having to eat chicken instead of beef" like it is some sort of horrible trauma. I am trying so hard to be nice, and just be silent, but they keep going on about how they were poor and all I want to scream is that I literally grew up in a house where I starved all the time because we couldn't afford food. I don't understand how they can live on such a different planet. I never talk about my childhood because it is so depressing, and I certainly don't talk about my previous relationship with a sexually and physically abusive person in this town. So, I know I can't expect them to understand me. But, they seem so beyond reach I don't even know if it would be worth it to disclose anything.

My fiancé is really busy and is having a hard time being here for me right now, so here I sit in the living room half dissociated and ready to scream/cry/cut myself. Does or has anyone else been through this and if so, how do you cope?

Here's hoping your thanksgivings are a little better

Not everyone can fall back on their rich family...........and if you grew up with money and then went out on your own...Mommy and Daddy may be footing the college bill...and to those raised with money.....chicken is considered doing without unless it is a favorte food..... maybe to them, it was a hardship. It's all about perspective. We each came from a different place and upbringing....and socioeconomic status.....with different cultural and religious norms.....and different experiences.
If I want to try to empathize with someone who has been homeless.....while being near homeless, I don't have that experience of living on the street....I can only imagine it would be horrible.
While I've been close to that, I've never ended up living in my car or in a shelter but I do know what it's like to end up at social services....to not have rent money, have the electric cut off, and to go to SS and food closets to get food so my daughter and I wouldn't go hungry. I am one who had that well-off family who when I begged to come home with their grandchild after being beaten, choked and raped by my husband, I was told by my mother.....no.....go see the priest-My parents could have sent me some money to help out....they never asked and never wanted to know..... when I had a car accident and a TBI......and couldn't work for 2 years. Everything is not always as it seems or as we project about others.....and unfortunately, many people can't climb in someone else's shoes.....to empathize.....

Take care of you......Consider planning a Xmas holiday at your own place with your fiance......make a to do fun list.....decorate your house, count your blessings......we all have some....even if they seem miniscule......cook a nice dinner......the end of the year is coming to a close.....and consider staying away from the well off family members who bum you out.