Relationship The Affects Of Ptsd On Relationships And Intimacy

[Miss Amber]

Forgive me if my thoughts come across a little jumbled...

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. When we first met I can honestly say it was love at first sight for me and he literally caused my heart to skip a beat. Not only was the attraction strong for both us, but we had instant passion and couldn't seem to keep our hands off each other. He told me in the beginning he was in the Gulf War and that he had PTSD, but he had also been on medications through the doctor he was seeing at the time (non-VA) for around 6 months. Aside from not wanting to be in busy public places like stores or around a large group of people at a friend's house, I honestly didn't see anything in his behavior that made me think he wasn't in control. A few months later, however, he lost his job and insurance and thus lead to him losing the ability the obtain the medications he had been taking for those many months.

Over the course of the months he didn't have his medications up until present time, I have watched his mood and behavior change dramatically. He went from being pretty laid back to moody and coming across as emotionally detached from me. We went from never disagreeing or arguing over anything to what seems like butting heads all the time over the smallest and silliest of things. What was an every once in a while few beers or a Jim and Coke or even partaking with his friends on the rare ocassion evolved into drinking alcohol daily and smoking weed or herbal incense on a daily basis. And the passion and intimacy we shared in the beginning slowed and slowed to the point where now there is no passion or intimacy in our relationship at all. Other things I have seen change in him over these last several months is his anxiety and paranoia have increased almost triple, a complete loss of appetite even for his favorite foods which has lead to him losing around 45 pounds since I first met him, he doesn't sleep but maybe a few hours at a time during the night, and when does manage to sleep for more than a few hours a night it's only because he has drank to the point of passing out. His says his mind is constantly racing and doesn't ever slow down and he paces the length of his apartment daily for hours at a time.

But hopefully we are coming to where there is a light at the end of the tunnel. A few months ago he finally received his VA benefits as well as his C&P, which lead to him seeing a doctor specifically for PTSD and getting new medications a few weeks ago. I have been through a lot of stress and worry over this man that I love with all my heart, but there are times when I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. He has been taking his medications the best he can (he is still struggling with grasping ahold of his appetite), but I know it's hard for him some days. We both know that the medications aren't going to "fix him", as he says, immediately or even overnight. I do have faith that he is on the right path to getting back to himself though and I continue to support and be there for him every step of the way.

Does anyone else have a similar situation that can relate to me or even give me advice?

Thanks for reading in advance, and I hope what I have typed here makes sense.

 

[HopefulChristian]

I wish I could give you a hug. I can relate totally. All these things he is doing is ptsd. My hubby is angry 90% of the time. What I'm learning now is that you don't need to feel like the weight is all on your shoulders. The lack of intimacy has nothing to do with you. His mind is racing so much he probably still feels he is in deployment mode. When men get like that they feel like they can't let their guard down. They are just on high alert 24/7.

I feel bad when my hubby has nightmares so often but I also know not to wake him up as he gets startled very easily. As women I think we have this instinct to nurture our men. This is something we don't understand when they respond with anger.

This is just my opinion but I think as women we can easily get secondary PTSD. So we need to make sure we are taking care of ourselves. Do you have someone you can talk to on a regular basis?? A good support network??

 

[Miss Amber]

I love him with all my heart, but I do have to admit that it is very hard being in a relationship with him when there are times I barely recognize him due to his behavior.

I miss everything about him and us as a couple when we first met over a year ago. The simple acts of holding my hand and telling me I looked pretty are the things I miss the most though. I miss the intimacy we shared in the beginning as well because it was unlike anything I had ever experienced before with someone. It may sound cheesy, but it was more than a physical attraction/connection, there was emotional connection there that was so intense I still get chills when I remember those times. I have been through the why's and how's and even concluded it was me he was not attracted to or that I disgusted him or he just wanted someone else. Hence, I felt as though I wasn't good enough. I voiced my concerns and dislike of the lessening of intimacy (whether it was a right or wrong thing to do) and he just simply says he doesn't need it or it's the last thing on his mind. As I read more about PTSD though, it appears I am not the only one who has this situation and is struggling.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about my situation that can really relate to me. Is it normal for me to feel all alone and that I'm kinda navigating by the seat of my pants?

 

[amethist]

Hi Miss Amber

I did read your first post here a few days ago, but as with all PTSD relationships, mine too has been a bit bumpy again for a while.

Unfortunately we all have to become used to the intimacy ebbing and flowing, is goes with the package. As your boyfriend, it is the last thing on his mind just now. That is just how it effects them, it can be one of the first things to go, and very slow to get back, try and make the best of the opportunity as it is offered. No reflection on you at all, just part of PTSD and any mental health issue.

Feeling alone is also a big thing that supporters have to grow accustomed to, living your own life as best you can when these times of shut down occur.

It is tough, frustrating, irritating and all the rest, which is why it is nick named the roller coaster, never knowing when the next high or low will appear.

Taking good care of yourself is the best advice anyone can give you, not always easy, be extremely important.

Keep posting and reading, it does get help.

Amethist

 

[ISupportHer]

I will resist temptation to crack a joke. :)

I DO think that sometimes "we" have to make sure that the intimacy, in a physical sense, is not sought as a replacement for the emotional intimacy. If that makes sense. I mean, in the absence of a normal relationship, that physical "connection". no pun intended, can be a replacement but you have to have both.

ISH

 

[Jstalaboin]

I can definitely relate to PTSD having an effect on relationships and intimacy. From my past experience, I have based all of my relationships and intimacy around the physical aspect. As a result of the negative impact that has had, it is now having a negative impact on how I "date" since I don't know how to "date" it makes it really difficult to have a healthy, intimate relationship with someone. I have heard the cliche for Intimacy as "In to me SEE" I thought this was quite clever to my approach on this and what it really is.

 

[Miss Amber]

Aside from the intimacy issues, his shutting me out is very hard to deal with. I have read mentions of "anniversary dates" that can trigger an episode, but I haven't found a lot to really educate me. He is in a "shut down" mode as I type this actually and I'm dealing with anger, confusion, and feeling rejected.

What began as a 4th of July where I was going to spend it with him and watching fireworks turned into his wanting to be alone and sending me home around 10 o'clock last night. It then evolved into not being able to get into my house (long story), having to wake my dad up and ask to stay there, and running out of gas and being stranded on a back road for nearly an hour until my dad arrived to give me enough gas to make it to a filling station.

But the kicker to it all... when I texted my boyfriend to tell him what was going on and my anger over it he simply ignored me. There was no him saying to come back to his apartment since I couldn't get into my house, and there was no replying back to me to see if I was ok and showing any form of concern. And he still hasn't made any attempt to contact me as I type this. How am I supposed to feel and react to what happened last night? Am I right or wrong to show my anger over this?

 

[HopefulChristian]

I'm sure he cares for you but he just can't mentally deal with helping you. With Combat PTSD (in my experience as a Marine Wife) they have too much going on in their head and they can't deal with multiple things. I don't think it's wrong to be angry. I get angry over feeling like my son and I come in last place. You just have to remember you can choose to be angry and then move on or you can stay angry and become bitter.
Praying for you!!

 

[Miss Amber]

After several texts and even a voicemail I left for him (he didn't answer his phone) he finally responded to me via text. One would think he would at least say he was sorry for not texting me back last night or showing any concern. But instead all I got was he didn't know I was that low on gas and he couldn't read my mind. I honestly feel like I'm just beating my head against the wall right now.

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hi Miss Amber, please take a few deep breath before you read this.

Combat PTSD cannot be sugar coated, it is an all consuming roller coaster that gets out of control at times and is very difficult to understand.

It is highly unlikely your b/f even realises what is going on. When he is ready therapy will be helpful for him. You will not be able to influence when this will be. In the meantime you may find it helpful to visit the Combat ptsdforum, the sister site specifically for our veterans where you can read and learn. We as carers/supporters cannot be members and cannot post there. Sufferers are selfish to the extreme at times and will be cold hearted and hurtful. Their mental torment and suffering cannot be underestimated but the last thing they want is sympathy. Understanding takes time and a lot of patience.

On a positive side it's good to hear your b/f is taking meds and involved with the VA. And now you know you are not on your own. We support one another.

It's also very important you take care of yourself. If you stick around you'll hear that line over and over again. Have a look at the threads What Have You Done For Yourself Today (or words to that effect) and Should I Stay Or Should I Go.

All the best. x

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

Miss Amber, this is how most PTSD Relationships are at times. And, when two of you have PTSD, well, what can I say? It's like looking in a mirror... Give him time to get his meds balanced in his system and let his mind 'catch-up' to his detached emotions. And like Ladyhope Somerset says, "It's also very important to take care of yourself," too...

 

[Miss Amber]

*takes deep breath*

As much as I love my boyfriend and want to have a life with him, not to mention try to be there for him in every way and support him, I feel like I am often doing things wrong in our relationship. I am nowhere perfect myself and I know that I have overreacted and gotten angry and dramatic at times with him when I really shouldn't have.

I guess it spawns from being treated so crappy in past relationships and feeling like everyone wants to lie or cheat on me. He has been cheated on in past relationships and told me more than once that he would never cheat on anyone himself. I believed him then and I still believe him, but I have to admit that my trust in him on that aspect is not 100%. A few months ago I caught him taking nude backside pics of one of his female neighbors with his cell phone. They both claimed there was nothing going on and it was just in fun, but when I looked on his phone (the first and only time I did that) I saw where he had sent her a pic of him nude waist down right after I caught him taking the pics of her. He lied at first and told me it wasn't him in the picture, but he finally admitted to it a few minutes later saying he panicked and didn't know what else to do other than deny he took the pic of himself and sent it to her. I was heartbroken, furious, betrayed, and anything else you can think of. I left his apartment devestated and began clearing what things I had over there out. I cried and screamed at him that he betrayed me and in my view he also cheated on me regardless if anything physical happened or not. For days I continued to tell him he betrayed me and cheated on me, and he continued to say it was just a picture and nothing happened. He then broke down in tears the day I went over there and begged me not to leave him, and proceeded to say he was sorry many times and promised it would never happen again. He said to him it was just a picture, but to me it meant a lot more and I felt stupid and naive.

Truthfully, I feel lost most of the time. I love him more than I have loved anyone in my life, but I feel helpless when he is going through a "spell" as he calls it. He pulls away from me, which is hard for me to believe considering how pulled away he feels from me already. We argue and I don't want to argue with him, but the weight of everything he is dealing with and then me and what I want and need puts it all into overload. And I don't do it purposely, but I will be the first to admit that I tend to voice my anger and say hurtful things out of anger knowing I am only making the situation worse. I have often times wished there was a PTSD referee with us all the time, blowing the whistle when a time-out is needed, and stopping us both from saying and doing things out of anger with each other.

Oh, and the situation I mentioned a few posts back in this thread about last night and being stranded and him not saying anything concern wise... well, it's only gotten worse. I am terrified he has been pushed too far and I have voiced my anger over yet another situation I should have kept my mouth shut on and I don't know what is going to happen now.