Relationship Disaster after Narcissistic Abuse

[empathuniverse]

I thought I was over my last Narcissistic abuse relationship of two years ( its been a year since it ended) when I started making friends with someone online who works in the same industry as me and we end up having a lot in common and speak everyday for 2 months.

It's a bit of a long story my background with partners with NPD but essential to the story Im afraid.
I was in a 4 year Narcissistic abuse relationship before that two year one, and looking back so I was so messed up for this last relationship. My last relationship also happened pretty much straight after the first. Yes I know dangerous territory. I totally healed from my first realtionship from going into another relationship.
They were a friend of a friend and my friend tried to warn me they were a narcissist. My ex also told me there was a high chance they had covert narcissism they definately had it. I got sucked into the relationship because they talked psychology with me about it saying their mum had it and knowing a lot about it. We spoke at length about it when we first started dating and throughout.

Anyway back to my friend. We seemed to have a lot in common, and they were very open about telling me about their life, showing me pics and videos mostly over messenger. I thought they were lonely and I was going through social isolation really bad so talking and having a relationship with a person was like a breath of fresh air and coming back to the real world. They opened up about their life and they said their ex had NPD. I did not mention anything about my exes in any detail. I did not want to go there as you know how my last relationship went and the information I revealed was used against me of sorts. I was at least guarded of the potential to look out for toxic behaviour and I still was not sure about this person 100 percent. I went through motions of expecting this person to turn out to be a psycho, as both of my exes I spoke with everyday too. It was a process and I was at the end of my seat with some discussions ready to justify, or wondering what his response was going to be. Needing validation from the Narcissist abuse I realise now.

The relationship starts going to intimate relationship territory for me. I find out their passion for their job goes to the same level as me. I start thinking soul mate territory because of this and kindred spirits. They drop small hints they like me and I reciprocate not directly but I dont oppose either. Im loving the attention shamefully and the interaction.

We finally met in person. The meeting went good. They said they were really nervous so I didnt have time to be. I kept talking about work. We made future plans to meet up which he was supposed to look into. I could not make a decision at all so I left it up to him. This plan didnt get actioned by him he said he had car troubles last moment and I decided after hearing so much about his life to go visit him far from where I live.

2nd time I ended up staying at his place - I had only met them once before real gamble. They ended up trying to do too many good things for me while I stayed and It made me feel ab it uncomfortable like they were trying to buy my affection? I am not used to anyone being over the top, or expecting that treatment. I feel its important that no one needs to prove anything to me. I am just used to liking people for who they are, and how we interact and just being themselves. So that was a bit different and unusual for me to deal with.

They also started crossing the friend barrier and I didnt know what to do. I just allowed it for fear of saying anything. Wrong thing to do! We had plans early in the morning but he got fixated. I had to call it a night. He crossed the friend barrier the second night. He mentioned he should not have gone there after I asked if he was starved of affection. Im a loving person so I will give prolonged hugs and if someone feels starved of attention. Which is so wrong and not my responsibilty. Also what was I thinking I probably should have forsaw this happening I was just so blind.

He also says a few things that seem off to me saying things like that he doesnt want me to leave or stop being his friend, or insinuates that I would because of him snoring, being messy, and scruffy ect.

We went out for dinner and he tells me he thinks he might fall in love with me because thats just who he is. I did turn around and say that was way to soon and that he doesnt know me or we dont know each other to even gain that kind of intimacy. Next day he casually talks about moving in. We talk more about dating and related stuff. I say I am open minded about it. I should not have said that.
He asked for validation about if I would date someone else and he asked me to stay longer on the last day.
I didnt validate him as I thought it was wierd his low self esteem. I said something random instead. Later I apologise in a text about it completely paranoid as his reaction looked pretty brutal he didnt smile. I get paranoid I always say the wrong thing and going on a tangent.

He asks to video chat with me and requests pics days later. I snap feeling like I did in my past relationships (being objectionified and ordered around) I start freaking out - WHAT HAVE I DONE. I realise I have so many bad relationship habits such as not slowing it down, not having boundries, encouraging everyday communication, holding onto every single word, not even knowing this person and visiting them and even planning a possible future in my head of what it could look like....??

I tell him that I dont even think I can be friends with him as I am messed up in the head, and feared about getting into another codependant relationship. I got triggered so bad thinking he is a Narcissist and thinking of it happening all again. I didnt tell him I thought he was incase he is. I just said I lacked boundries I felt so ashamed about it and that I was extremely triggered and I should have said no and that I could get extremely addicted etc. All the stuff you probably should not say to a narcissist. I said I could not tell up from down.
I chicken out big time on having a proper conversation about it and my behaviour but Im also triggered and a complete mess.

I did speak for a bit more to explain why I had to stop contacting him. I blocked them for a month - told them I was going to do it. Everyday I was thinking of them it was unhealthy. I speak after a month and they say they cut their hand from exitement. They also say there neck hurts and they have car trouble and I just think they are being all victim poor me, over the top and a narcissist. Though I have absolutely no proof!!

They have a cold stare, they think horribly of there ex, they were an ex drug addict for most of their life, they send multiple selfies, they did get me hooked talking to me everyday, but I let them, they crossed my boundries and they dont get my reactions to some of this. I cant blame them really with all of it.

Apart from that I have nothing to make me think they have NPD except maybe I like this guy too much and have a lot of fear.

I really have stuffed it up if they do not have narcissistic behaviour!

I really have a way to go just thinking of a loving supportive relationship makes me wail like a baby. Which is healing. At least its letting go and feeling.
I am wondering if two people who have experienced Narcissitic abuse should never date? What if one cant help the other.

Well this definately means I should not date period or hurt others.
They could be a Narcissist and I will never know, thank god on the that hand.

 

[Movingforward10]

It's ok to not want to date someone. It doesn't mean they have a personality disorder. It just means they aren't for you. And you don need to be in a relationship with everyone you date.

Maybe the questions are: what do you want from a partner? How do you want to treat a partner?

Rather than working out if someone may or may not have a personality disorder? (Because someone can be abusive with or without that particular diagnosis).

Good on you for ending this latest one though. A lot of red flags about his behaviour. But also, a lot of reflection for you about why you went along with some things despite you knowing it wasn't what you wanted?

 

[empathuniverse]

It's ok to not want to date someone. It doesn't mean they have a personality disorder. It just means they aren't for you. And you don need to be in a relationship with everyone you date.

Maybe the questions are: what do you want from a partner? How do you want to treat a partner?

Rather than working out if someone may or may not have a personality disorder? (Because someone can be abusive with or without that particular diagnosis).

Good on you for ending this latest one though. A lot of red flags about his behaviour. But also, a lot of reflection for you about why you went along with some things despite you knowing it wasn't what you wanted?

These are definately good questions to be asking!

I feel like I have overreacted in everyway possible! I dont know why I felt so pressured guess its the trauma. I realise I really do need to get counselling. Apparently its normal to feel very confused about whats real or not. Its just messed up from my end.

Yes and I should not assume everyone that has sociopathic traits or is mean has a disorder and your right people can just be bad, regardless if they have Narcissim or not.

I have been so confused about everything, If I even liked this person as much as I liked the pattern of the realationship (think this is a narcissistic abuse symptom this one to be all dissassociation), anxiety about what I should do etc, not feeling my natural self, not being connected etc. I feel have been in an absolute state of shock or fear in regards to most of the interaction as Im not right in the head. Sounds messed up it is. I live in a quiet state of fear most days.

I feel like I did start liking this person but I just dont know how to be in anyway of form a healthy recipient to it right now I only know how to act in a repeat of previous behaviour stunned on auto pilot - its complicated and a bit messed up quite frankly.

I have not largely told any of the story of his side, so keep that in mind as well. This is a very one sided picture here.
I feel its fair to mention we had a ridiculous amount in common with each other outside the norm. Not sure if that could have induced any of the behaviour from him. Doesnt explain the low self esteem to me though.

Thanks for hearing me out! And for the words of wisdom its very needed right now.

 

[empathuniverse]

Just to give anyone an update on my situation. I decided to stop freaking out as much with the CPTSD incident that was triggered by my new opposite sex friend (Im heterosexual). I think properly voicing myself on here and getting a pragmatic reponse really helped. Its hard to sort out whats being exaggerated in my mind and what is real especially when the trauma starts.
Its definately associated and triggered because of certain things that happened in my past relationships.
I have an extreme fear of certain things happening again and I was subtly gaslight for 6 years.
Anyway getting off point!

I thought to myself why did I flip out so much!!? I realised it came back to myself being so scared of setting boundries - something I was not allowed to have in those toxic previous relationships.
Got over that hump just set boundries Im not in that situation anymore.
Fear struggle gone, if that person goes NPD or acts controlling leave.
I need to start having healthy relationships and its starts with what I allow or do not allow. I feel like my trauma is so bad because I let things get to such a point. Might be an after thought here.

Feeling overwhelmed by all the suffering flashbacks
So I felt compelled to ring my friend and actually have a conversation about what happened. This is my usual style. Not freak out go to extremes and run to the high hills.
I prefer to be honest, it sits better within myself and then I can act accordingly and move on from there. So I basically explained all my fears and the extreme stuff that got triggered for weeks. Onset of depression, non stop crying etc. This went on for some months up to after xmas it took me a while lots of crying trying to push through without going for any drugs, ex smoker no chocolate or emotional eating to make me feel better. I choose to run everyday go up to 6km runs. Only till I faced it and spoke with him did it dissipate.

We picked up where we left off sort of. Which I feel was the natural course. Act accordingly to what comes up in the situation without freaking out and putting up a wall. Be ASSERTIVE and communicate to that person instead - practice having boundries etc. We arranged to meet up again.

2nd Meet up
I thought this is a great opportunity to observe his behaviour, just be normal, trust my gut etc
Do everything I need to not be afraid. It went ok. I was paranoid as he said he had past relationship with someone who probably NPD thought it might be projection DORV. Yes Im very paranoid and obsessed with the whole Narcissitic personality disorder or cluster B at the moment. Life will never be ther same. Its opened my eyes up to unscrupulus behaviour. Anyway just to hear from him and to see if he has empathy and real feelings was important - to see if he is lying etc. I asked him how he recovered to see his reaction.

I decided it was genuine because of the way he reacted.
I had to compare a lot to how my exes would talk about things and try to rewire my brain to register normal behaviour after being exposed to so many lies and manipulation.
This person works in the same industry as me. I also get along with him and I find it easy to talk and want to spend time with him. We started talking about an event where I live he said he would like to go to it and get a motel and stay. I offered that he could stay at my place to save getting a motel as he put me up at his last time. This offer may have been out of more obligation than wanting him to stay at mine and really I should not have men staying at my place!!!??.

3rd Meet up
This is a bit bold and I did rethink it after I did it a day after like what am I thinking...
Yes I realise I have issues and I am leaving openings for unstable and potentially messed up people as I am too trusting and open to others. This is another thing I will have to touch on!! I get it.

Home Visit
I showed my friend around - the stay was good we got to know each other a lot more. I was paranoid in my head - negative self talk was an issue the whole time probably because of my issues. He was really good about it. But I realise I was still shaken, traumatised and also paranoid and wary. I was honest about everything. He was very open about wanting to date again and I had to be open about the importance of taking your time to get to know someone. He opened up in the visit about his NPD experiences and the things that helped him get through. He didnt go near the opposite sex for 2years as he couldnt do it.

When he left I had a CPTSD melt down again, this time I spoke with him about it. I dont like having meltdowns I struggled the last time because of it as I was way too open when technically that could open yourself up to bad characters. Still could. But Im going with the flow and if I still keep boundries I SHOULD be able to get through. It was more important to be vulnerable and not bottle it up in this situation and see what he does. He was really good, and it helped.

Im still telling myself he could be toxic just incase I get heartbroken again and I have to prepare for a split personality. I joined a codependants support group, signed up for a care plan with my doctor and I am looking at finding a counsellor to get through this trauma. I have ordered many books one is CRIMINOLGY book of sorts on reading peoples body language I cant wait till this gets sent to me. Everyday I think about it as I feel I need it to get through.

I still have a long way to go.
My friend has mentioned that I may need to just stop chatting with them and heal as its triggering me. Im thinking about it as I swing wildly through trauma and paranoia to maybe feeling a lot for him (think this is more a trauma response). Im all sorts of messed up frankly!

 

[glidewellgirl]

Just to give anyone an update on my situation. I decided to stop freaking out as much with the CPTSD incident that was triggered by my new opposite sex friend (Im heterosexual). I think properly voicing myself on here and getting a pragmatic reponse really helped. Its hard to sort out whats being exaggerated in my mind and what is real especially when the trauma starts.
Its definately associated and triggered because of certain things that happened in my past relationships.
I have an extreme fear of certain things happening again and I was subtly gaslight for 6 years.
Anyway getting off point!

I thought to myself why did I flip out so much!!? I realised it came back to myself being so scared of setting boundries - something I was not allowed to have in those toxic previous relationships.
Got over that hump just set boundries Im not in that situation anymore.
Fear struggle gone, if that person goes NPD or acts controlling leave.
I need to start having healthy relationships and its starts with what I allow or do not allow. I feel like my trauma is so bad because I let things get to such a point. Might be an after thought here.

Feeling overwhelmed by all the suffering flashbacks
So I felt compelled to ring my friend and actually have a conversation about what happened. This is my usual style. Not freak out go to extremes and run to the high hills.
I prefer to be honest, it sits better within myself and then I can act accordingly and move on from there. So I basically explained all my fears and the extreme stuff that got triggered for weeks. Onset of depression, non stop crying etc. This went on for some months up to after xmas it took me a while lots of crying trying to push through without going for any drugs, ex smoker no chocolate or emotional eating to make me feel better. I choose to run everyday go up to 6km runs. Only till I faced it and spoke with him did it dissipate.

We picked up where we left off sort of. Which I feel was the natural course. Act accordingly to what comes up in the situation without freaking out and putting up a wall. Be ASSERTIVE and communicate to that person instead - practice having boundries etc. We arranged to meet up again.

2nd Meet up
I thought this is a great opportunity to observe his behaviour, just be normal, trust my gut etc
Do everything I need to not be afraid. It went ok. I was paranoid as he said he had past relationship with someone who probably NPD thought it might be projection DORV. Yes Im very paranoid and obsessed with the whole Narcissitic personality disorder or cluster B at the moment. Life will never be ther same. Its opened my eyes up to unscrupulus behaviour. Anyway just to hear from him and to see if he has empathy and real feelings was important - to see if he is lying etc. I asked him how he recovered to see his reaction.

I decided it was genuine because of the way he reacted.
I had to compare a lot to how my exes would talk about things and try to rewire my brain to register normal behaviour after being exposed to so many lies and manipulation.
This person works in the same industry as me. I also get along with him and I find it easy to talk and want to spend time with him. We started talking about an event where I live he said he would like to go to it and get a motel and stay. I offered that he could stay at my place to save getting a motel as he put me up at his last time. This offer may have been out of more obligation than wanting him to stay at mine and really I should not have men staying at my place!!!??.

3rd Meet up
This is a bit bold and I did rethink it after I did it a day after like what am I thinking...
Yes I realise I have issues and I am leaving openings for unstable and potentially messed up people as I am too trusting and open to others. This is another thing I will have to touch on!! I get it.

Home Visit
I showed my friend around - the stay was good we got to know each other a lot more. I was paranoid in my head - negative self talk was an issue the whole time probably because of my issues. He was really good about it. But I realise I was still shaken, traumatised and also paranoid and wary. I was honest about everything. He was very open about wanting to date again and I had to be open about the importance of taking your time to get to know someone. He opened up in the visit about his NPD experiences and the things that helped him get through. He didnt go near the opposite sex for 2years as he couldnt do it.

When he left I had a CPTSD melt down again, this time I spoke with him about it. I dont like having meltdowns I struggled the last time because of it as I was way too open when technically that could open yourself up to bad characters. Still could. But Im going with the flow and if I still keep boundries I SHOULD be able to get through. It was more important to be vulnerable and not bottle it up in this situation and see what he does. He was really good, and it helped.

Im still telling myself he could be toxic just incase I get heartbroken again and I have to prepare for a split personality. I joined a codependants support group, signed up for a care plan with my doctor and I am looking at finding a counsellor to get through this trauma. I have ordered many books one is CRIMINOLGY book of sorts on reading peoples body language I cant wait till this gets sent to me. Everyday I think about it as I feel I need it to get through.

I still have a long way to go.
My friend has mentioned that I may need to just stop chatting with them and heal as its triggering me. Im thinking about it as I swing wildly through trauma and paranoia to maybe feeling a lot for him (think this is more a trauma response). Im all sorts of messed up frankly!

Sounds like he is nice, could you keep going with your healing plans and enjoy each other's friendship for now. Im still stuck with my narc

 

[empathuniverse]

Sounds like he is nice, could you keep going with your healing plans and enjoy each other's friendship for now. Im still stuck with my narc

That probably should be my plan. Im so wounded right now.
Im such a sucker for a codependant relationship right now. I told them. Which may have been a bad move.


Im still not going to let down my guard 100 percent yet as the relationship develops

Hard to trust anyone

Still a few tests yet to go to test his character.

Today 1st test he can support me/ See if his ego gets wounded at rejection.
Just rejection at spending more time with him.

I also am going to test if he lets me put some boundries in to be less available to him, to help me heal and get healthy as well.

I dont want to act out too much but I also cant keep going on being too open, flexible, supportive and nourishing.

Its only going to get me in trouble with the wrong sort of person.

Im sorry you are still living in the life of a narcissist. I hope you have resilience and support. You deserve so much better and you can do this. They are the week one no matter what they try to say. This proves itself. You dont need to put them down to make yourself better. Wish you all the best.

 

[CameronBlayke]

I thought I was over my last Narcissistic abuse relationship of two years ( its been a year since it ended) when I started making friends with someone online who works in the same industry as me and we end up having a lot in common and speak everyday for 2 months.

It's a bit of a long story my background with partners with NPD but essential to the story Im afraid.
I was in a 4 year Narcissistic abuse relationship before that two year one, and looking back so I was so messed up for this last relationship. My last relationship also happened pretty much straight after the first. Yes I know dangerous territory. I totally healed from my first realtionship from going into another relationship.
They were a friend of a friend and my friend tried to warn me they were a narcissist. My ex also told me there was a high chance they had covert narcissism they definately had it. I got sucked into the relationship because they talked psychology with me about it saying their mum had it and knowing a lot about it. We spoke at length about it when we first started dating and throughout.

Anyway back to my friend. We seemed to have a lot in common, and they were very open about telling me about their life, showing me pics and videos mostly over messenger. I thought they were lonely and I was going through social isolation really bad so talking and having a relationship with a person was like a breath of fresh air and coming back to the real world. They opened up about their life and they said their ex had NPD. I did not mention anything about my exes in any detail. I did not want to go there as you know how my last relationship went and the information I revealed was used against me of sorts. I was at least guarded of the potential to look out for toxic behaviour and I still was not sure about this person 100 percent. I went through motions of expecting this person to turn out to be a psycho, as both of my exes I spoke with everyday too. It was a process and I was at the end of my seat with some discussions ready to justify, or wondering what his response was going to be. Needing validation from the Narcissist abuse I realise now.

The relationship starts going to intimate relationship territory for me. I find out their passion for their job goes to the same level as me. I start thinking soul mate territory because of this and kindred spirits. They drop small hints they like me and I reciprocate not directly but I dont oppose either. Im loving the attention shamefully and the interaction.

We finally met in person. The meeting went good. They said they were really nervous so I didnt have time to be. I kept talking about work. We made future plans to meet up which he was supposed to look into. I could not make a decision at all so I left it up to him. This plan didnt get actioned by him he said he had car troubles last moment and I decided after hearing so much about his life to go visit him far from where I live.

2nd time I ended up staying at his place - I had only met them once before real gamble. They ended up trying to do too many good things for me while I stayed and It made me feel ab it uncomfortable like they were trying to buy my affection? I am not used to anyone being over the top, or expecting that treatment. I feel its important that no one needs to prove anything to me. I am just used to liking people for who they are, and how we interact and just being themselves. So that was a bit different and unusual for me to deal with.

They also started crossing the friend barrier and I didnt know what to do. I just allowed it for fear of saying anything. Wrong thing to do! We had plans early in the morning but he got fixated. I had to call it a night. He crossed the friend barrier the second night. He mentioned he should not have gone there after I asked if he was starved of affection. Im a loving person so I will give prolonged hugs and if someone feels starved of attention. Which is so wrong and not my responsibilty. Also what was I thinking I probably should have forsaw this happening I was just so blind.

He also says a few things that seem off to me saying things like that he doesnt want me to leave or stop being his friend, or insinuates that I would because of him snoring, being messy, and scruffy ect.

We went out for dinner and he tells me he thinks he might fall in love with me because thats just who he is. I did turn around and say that was way to soon and that he doesnt know me or we dont know each other to even gain that kind of intimacy. Next day he casually talks about moving in. We talk more about dating and related stuff. I say I am open minded about it. I should not have said that.
He asked for validation about if I would date someone else and he asked me to stay longer on the last day.
I didnt validate him as I thought it was wierd his low self esteem. I said something random instead. Later I apologise in a text about it completely paranoid as his reaction looked pretty brutal he didnt smile. I get paranoid I always say the wrong thing and going on a tangent.

He asks to video chat with me and requests pics days later. I snap feeling like I did in my past relationships (being objectionified and ordered around) I start freaking out - WHAT HAVE I DONE. I realise I have so many bad relationship habits such as not slowing it down, not having boundries, encouraging everyday communication, holding onto every single word, not even knowing this person and visiting them and even planning a possible future in my head of what it could look like....??

I tell him that I dont even think I can be friends with him as I am messed up in the head, and feared about getting into another codependant relationship. I got triggered so bad thinking he is a Narcissist and thinking of it happening all again. I didnt tell him I thought he was incase he is. I just said I lacked boundries I felt so ashamed about it and that I was extremely triggered and I should have said no and that I could get extremely addicted etc. All the stuff you probably should not say to a narcissist. I said I could not tell up from down.
I chicken out big time on having a proper conversation about it and my behaviour but Im also triggered and a complete mess.

I did speak for a bit more to explain why I had to stop contacting him. I blocked them for a month - told them I was going to do it. Everyday I was thinking of them it was unhealthy. I speak after a month and they say they cut their hand from exitement. They also say there neck hurts and they have car trouble and I just think they are being all victim poor me, over the top and a narcissist. Though I have absolutely no proof!!

They have a cold stare, they think horribly of there ex, they were an ex drug addict for most of their life, they send multiple selfies, they did get me hooked talking to me everyday, but I let them, they crossed my boundries and they dont get my reactions to some of this. I cant blame them really with all of it.

Apart from that I have nothing to make me think they have NPD except maybe I like this guy too much and have a lot of fear.

I really have stuffed it up if they do not have narcissistic behaviour!

I really have a way to go just thinking of a loving supportive relationship makes me wail like a baby. Which is healing. At least its letting go and feeling.
I am wondering if two people who have experienced Narcissitic abuse should never date? What if one cant help the other.

Well this definately means I should not date period or hurt others.
They could be a Narcissist and I will never know, thank god on the that hand.

Healing from narcissistic abuse can be incredibly difficult, and it's clear you're trying to take care of yourself by setting boundaries. It's not uncommon to feel triggered, especially when you're encountering behaviors that remind you of past relationships. I think your instincts to pause and reflect are good. Sometimes, those who've been through narcissistic abuse need extra time to rebuild their sense of self before diving into new relationships. Buying a thesis online seemed risky, but Academized Buy Thesis Paper Online - Verified Writers & High Quality proved to be a trustworthy choice. The paper I received was comprehensive, well-researched, and followed all the formatting guidelines for my university. Their customer service was prompt, and the pricing was reasonable. I would recommend this service to any student facing challenges with their thesis.

How is everything now?

 

[empathuniverse]

How is everything now?

It's going good. Thank you for your reply. We have spoken more about boundries and trust in some depth. I still will be paranoid till Its completely proven that they are not a narcissist. I know not to subject them to any behaviour that insinuates or implies that as I have to give everyone benefit of the doubt but Ill always have reservations deep within. It's funny as they may be wondering the same about me. I have shared what I know about what I have discovered in regards to having healthy boundries and detecting untrustworthy behaviour.

 

[empathuniverse]

Update on Narcissistic abuse recovery and CPTSD in regards to new relationships
I am still going through profound triggers while developing this new relationship with my friend as per the original post.
But it has evolved from being in a place of primitive fear, to testing the waters, to taking the accumulation of everything I have been learning to overcome the CPTSD and of course avoid being in situations that cause it in the first place. Its been a long journey learning about manipulators and narcisstic personality disorder and how they control you. Who they really are and their tactics and even how to detect them. On the flip side I have been learning how I fawn how I have been conditioned parentified (proper term apparently) to see dominering peoples personalities as the norm and even excuse them. Lots has been learned I even went into reading peoples body language and criminolgy.... too far I think but there is overlap.
I have been extremeley focused on cracking the code on what is happening to me and how to fix it. A couple of points I found that were important to me and I am implementing are:

Identifiying issues in codependant relationships
Blurred and bad boundries - From and leading to unhealthy power dynamics.
Defining yourself in the relationship or letting it define you by having that relationship
You could see it as no one has an identity seperate or one person takes over the others
The relationship is not equal therefore it has an element of mistruth or is directionless "to both as individuals in a relationship" This is what makes the lack of boundries toxic!
Its not authentic

Healthy sense of self. Having standards and boundries that support individual growth and identity no matter who you are with and knowing your value to be treated how you deserve.

Healthy relationships are ones where boundries exist to nuture you as seperate individuals. It takes time to get to know someone to establish trust and open up to the right people
I addressed issues and fears about the above and the fact I had crumbled boundries, trust issues, and didnt know what up or down from suffereing so must CPTSD in my previous relationships to my new friend. My partner tried to pummel my boundries out of me so unconsciously I was avoidant and dissasociative with the trauma and it brought up a lot of stuff. I look back now and go they knew how to guilty me so well and its really the only reason I stayed. They manipulated me to make me believe I needed to try harder so I would put up with all the abuse just because they wanted to get as much control as possible and to get me to rely on them as it validated their empty and lost self from childhood. God I see now.
It felt really good to put up boundries and to talk about everything without running away and without shaming my friend as I was swinging wildly back and forth between thinking "hes lying, he is trying to manipulate you etc".
I have done what I need without going through absolute turbulance and I am glad I opened up to him and for some of the times I tested him. I am not happy how I let paranoia take over my mind!!!

My friend has expressed why he is friends with me and emphasised our friendship and that has also really helped immensely as I have been beating myself up about being involved in the relationship and my part in it!
He knows I would be too confused to even consider dating to find out and going through some powerful stuff.

Self isolation and introspection
He also told me again it took him three years to get over what happened to him to trust the opposite sex and that he still has stuff. He isolated himself to heal he suggested I do the same and I decided I should do the same after all the paranoia I have been through lately and the intense flash backs, depression, suicidal ideation etc. It took a while to get to the point where I could lay everything on the table. He expressed some codependancy as he didnt want to let me go. Think that was more out of fear as I ran away and stopped chatting with him, and got paranoid on him several times saying I couldnt do this. Anyway talking really helped. I am going to see him. Have no contact for 2 months see him and then do it again. I have considered writing to him in that time as correspondance isnt really a done thing anymore but its nice.

I kinda feel he knows where I am at.

Part of me is so used to codependancy and I am so glad he is supporting my independance and his own as well, its still a week point. We have been speaking everyday since Nov or even earlier. I also expressed concerns about that as well that it was very enmeshed. And I explained the unhealthy nature of my part relationships and that I needed to strengthen myself and define who I really am.
My whole life was my significant other not so long ago. I made so many sacrafices as I thought my whole world and everything that validated me was in the love of those relationships. Crazy looking at it now so toxic.

Its going to take me a while to get into the mindset of I dont need to rely on others.I may want to have them in my life but I keep myself happy. I have some books on empathy and I will be focusing on seperating myself from others and not feeling the compulsion to make everything better for everyone or having a failsafe stop. Where do I and others begin............ Where do I begin and stop there are others.

Feeling very lucky on the outcome considering the mess I was in mentally and emotionally.

In the midst of this relationship developing which also seems to be nurturing my relationship with self...
I have started seeing a counsellor, and going to a coda support group once a week. I have also bought more books to help me go through experiences and counteract the mental and emotional damage.

One of the best ones is a trust journal and I am listing behaviours that are trust positive and negative.
Believe it or not this is helping a lot!