Constant Narcissistic Relationships

[smmkaymmmkay]

Diagnosed cPTSD - childhood sexual abuse - I seem to keep getting into narcissistic relationships. The first one was through high school - about 5 years long. Guy broke my phone and windshield, tried to break my fingers, etc. - left me when he found a new girl while we were together - you know the deal. 2nd guy I dated 9 years! We got engaged even. Lived with him. He would literally FREAK out on me and go suicidal if I tried to even mention how I felt. He punched holes in the wall - broke glasses on the wall - cheated with call girls - had sex with strippers behind my back. The last guy - current "bf" - literally treats me like I do not exist. I do not mean anything to him. I am what I can DO for him. Buy him. etc. He told me that he would rather masturbate to porn than initiate ANY kind of intimacy with me. That is absolutely absurd to me! And yet I beg him for his bare minimum...

Do others keep choosing people like this too? I am in therapy and yet I can not "heal" in the place I have been "abused"... it is impossible to make any strides.

I guess I am just looking for adivse or thoughts - I hate that I feel so alone and scared in my life. I don't know what to do - I live with guy #3 and don't know how to leave. I try and find a place and it is all "too expensive" - I think I am avoiding the thought that I will have to be alone for a while...

Sorry for the rant.. just Friday thoughts. :-)

 

[Roland]

You'll have to leave that guy. You can try to find a roommate or be someone's roommate. Check if any friends or family would take you short term. It is expensive, especially to live by yourself.

As far as not getting into relationships like that again, take things slow (even uncomfortably slow) in the beginning stages. Don't move in, don't hurry to get attached, and make a life with them. Wait to have sex, if you're okay with that. When you need to explain why, say that you need some time to get to know them and feel safe taking things slow, then note the reaction. If they are pushy (wanting sex, wanting a relationship, to introduce you to parents etc) or "love bomb" (professing undying love for you, being and showing more romance than you are welcoming or initiating) then they are the kind of guy to avoid.

My ex and first relationship definitely love bombed me. He wanted me to commit to him fast, have sex fast, etc. I didn't know to take things slow so when he started acting crazy I was already attached.

My now husband we went slow in the beginning, it was a pace comfortable for both of us. When I told him I didn't feel comfortable with something he immediately stopped doing it and if he occasionally absent mindedly did it again he caught himself and apologized profusely. He was always respectful of me. He asked if the pace of things were comfortable and adjusted accordingly. THAT is respect and healthy and stable and my god it was so uncomfortable in the beginning.

With my ex I felt like the rush from love bombing was exhilarating and I felt like I knew he was the perfect one for me because he wrote me lovely long romantic messages.

With my husband, it felt like there was no spark and little attraction in the beginning. But the attraction grew so much, which is common for women. And man, a secure relationship is worth so much more than the manic falling in love thing that's fake.

With my ex we texted each other all hours of the day, so I felt like I knew him inside and out quickly. With my husband, we texted once a day on average, just a brief interaction. Both of them we saw each other in person every other week and then later on every week due to distance.

 

[Roland]

Sorry if I got too rambling and over sharing in my previous message. Basically, take it slow so you recognize red flags and signs when they come and also recognize green flags. And aren't attached too soon so you can see signs and traits for what they are. Know what your deal breakers are (maybe uncontrolled anger and violence are good ones to start with). Hope some of this is applicable!

 

[Rose White]

To answer your question yes and I don’t have any good advice. I found @Roland ‘s advice quite helpful and soothing though

 

[Loti]

You aren’t alone. After learning what a narcissist was, I realized pretty much every relationship I’ve ever been in, has been with a narcissist. I also learned both of my parents are as well as many family members being one themselves or a “flying monkey.” I feel like I carry some kind of energy that attracts them because that was all I knew growing up, thinking how they acted was normal behavior.
I’ve decided to be single until I can figure out what it is about me, that is attracting these kinds of people. But it’s hard because no one talks about this aspect of it so there aren’t any clear directions about what it is I need to do. I will say that tapping therapy has been the most helpful. I have a lot of negative core beliefs with worthlessness. Lisa Ramano has a YouTube page that has also been very informative. Sending positivity your way. : )

 

[Sideways]

But it’s hard because no one talks about this aspect of it so there aren’t any clear directions about what it is I need to do.

Literature on revictimisation may be helpful - the pattern of entering relationships or situations that repeat past abuse.

 

[smmkaymmmkay]

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond to this post. I find comfort knowing I am not alone - though it is sad to hear. I will get the strength to get out on my own.

 

[RVA21]

They see us coming a mile away. They're predatory and they target vulnerable people. One way that helps avoid them is to build your own self confidence up. Spend time working on, I guess, learning to respect yourself. Learn that you deserve better. It's good to have that time alone and be single to do that. Two people I found very helpful on this subject on YouTube are Richard Grannon and Sam Vaknin.

 

[Sideways]

They see us coming a mile away. They're predatory and they target vulnerable people.

The first part has some accuracy to it. A person who feels better when they are given a lot of attention is going to be naturally more inclined to people who habitually keep attention off themselves or fawn (like vicitms of abuse often do).

The second half is sociopathy, rather than narcissism - it implies a maliciousness to the types of relationships a narcissist feels good about that is usually absent.

Oftentimes (even when no narcissism is present) cruelty, even abuse, is a by-product, rather than an insightful and intentional act. Which is not an excuse. But it does mean that if you’re on the receiving end, it can make it easier to understand how these patterns occur in our past, and we’re better placed to avoid them in the future.

 

[RVA21]

The first part has some accuracy to it. A person who feels better when they are given a lot of attention is going to be naturally more inclined to people who habitually keep attention off themselves or fawn (like vicitms of abuse often do).

The second half is sociopathy, rather than narcissism - it implies a maliciousness to the types of relationships a narcissist feels good about that is usually absent.

Oftentimes (even when no narcissism is present) cruelty, even abuse, is a by-product, rather than an insightful and intentional act. Which is not an excuse. But it does mean that if you’re on the receiving end, it can make it easier to understand how these patterns occur in our past, and we’re better placed to avoid them in the future.

I think I get narcissist (NPD) and psychopathy mixed up a bit. Initially I thought some of the ones who'd abused me were just narcissists but lately it started to become clear that they're psychopaths.

 

[Sideways]

Initially I thought some of the ones who'd abused me were just narcissists but lately it started to become clear that they're psychopaths.

Personality disorders like NPD and ASPD are rare and complex. Much like BPD, it’s much more common to see traits in a person (often of more than one personality disorder), rather than the complete disorder.

Sometimes it can be more helpful thinking of these disorders as being on a spectrum. At the mild end, most of us have some of the traits to a mild degree (much like most of us experience depression, but not a major depressive episode).

One of the reasons that I find it particularly helpful to see personality disorders as a spectrum is because the very often, someone who has abused a person (who ends up with PTSD as a result of that abuse) has traits of both NPD and ASPD (and often BPD as well - less talked about, BPD traits in a person who is abusive towards someone they love is very common) but not one single personality disorder at a clinical level.

It’s actually reeeeeally difficult (arguably impossible, by definition) to have a clinical level of NPD and function independently to a reasonably successful level.

Typically, a person with clinical levels of NPD end up in and out of psych wards, prison (very typical of ASPD as well), or living on society’s fringes (think communes, homeless, or living socially isolated on government support). A person holding down a job and relationships for extended periods of time is functioning reasonably well in the context of personality disorders.

However, a person could very easily have clinical levels of specific NPD and/or ASPD traits, and be functioning moderately well, at least the surface. Those are the types who have an intimate (but often dysfunctional) relationship, or are usually employed (but may cycle through jobs fairly quickly).

I’m not saying “it never happens”, or none of us here were the victim of someone with NPD or ASPD. But what is far more common, and (finally the good news) potentially far more useful information for a victim in recovery, is recognising the complexity of likely pathology in our abuser.

Like BPD, any one of the traits of NPD and ASPD can cause serious levels of dysfunction for a person on its own. And although the DSM likes to put things into neat boxes (this is NPD, that is ASPD), there’s remarkably little scientific backing for the personality disorder boxes we’ve created (years ago, despite many acknowledging they simply don’t work, and don’t stand up to scientific scrutiny). Humans are complicated, and the personality disorders overlap with each other in individuals even more than you see in other clusters of mental illness.

For example, with ptsd on board, you’re very likely to also have anxiety, depression, or addiction problems (around 1 in 3 of us off the top of my head). The likelihood of having clinical level traits of multiple disorders goes even higher when you’re in personality disorder territory.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I do not mean anything to him. I am what I can DO for him. Buy him. etc. He told me that he would rather masturbate to porn than initiate ANY kind of intimacy with me. That is absolutely absurd to me! And yet I beg him for his bare minimum...

I feel like I carry some kind of energy that attracts them because that was all I knew growing up, thinking how they acted was normal behavior.

I have experienced something similar as far as attracting these people and begging them for the bare minimum. I recognized it's definitely a repeat of childhood with no one caring enough about me, my feelings, or how things affect me to do something about the abuse and protect me. I eventually realized that I repeated that pattern with myself. I didn't take my own feelings seriously or realize how much what was happening was affecting me. In fact, I tried so hard to try to make it not affect me and be almost emotionless going through the abuse and humiliation. I saw my emotions as wrong so I'd end up being apologetic or feeling like I was the one in the wrong for even being opposed to how they treated me.

I haven't been dating or even entertaining the idea of being in a relationship right now until I feel more secure in my recovery. But when I do start dating, I'll be taking it very slow and being more aware about the kind of person I'm engaging with. In the past, I missed red flags because I was caught up in a swirl of emotions, some from the whirlwind of how fast things progressed but also some that I recognize now as my subconscious mind perceiving threats that I had not yet consciously recognized. I think the more I learn about myself, my triggers, and my emotions, the better I'll be at picking the right people and advocating for myself in the ways I need to.