Constant Narcissistic Relationships

[Anitza]

You are not definitely not alone. I love this thread because I NEEDED to read all of this. Self-love and self-worth is the hardest hurdle. I'm in my early 40s and much of my romantic life has been spent in either very toxic situationships where I'm allowing myself to be treated poorly or very long stretches of staying alone. I grew up watching my mom get constantly cheated on and never leaving. For me this is the hardest piece of the healing puzzle but it all goes back to the beginning. We are aware that we attract and choose this because of our traumas and early childhood development or more actually-lack thereof, yet, so much of this feels like it's operating on a subconscious level and as if it's impossible to make a change on because who we are attracted to also feels out of our control, (at least this is how I feel). We deserve love and to be treated with kindness and respect but when we are raised to hate ourselves-then this novel concept that people who come from loving/heathy backgrounds so innately feel entitled to-we find ourselves desperately struggling to internalize. We have to feel it to believe it, knowing it isn't enough. I recently got a scholarship to practice TM meditation from the David Lynch Foundation, not advocating anything to anyone, just saying that I feel that it is helping me get control of my thoughts and weirdly just be ok with myself since I'm sitting with myself in such a deep way. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin. I'm praying for all of us struggling with the deep-seated hellish trauma response that's robbed us of truly being able to enjoy life. I know we didn't come here just to suffer.

 

[smmkaymmmkay]

You are not definitely not alone. I love this thread because I NEEDED to read all of this. Self-love and self-worth is the hardest hurdle. I'm in my early 40s and much of my romantic life has been spent in either very toxic situationships where I'm allowing myself to be treated poorly or very long stretches of staying alone. I grew up watching my mom get constantly cheated on and never leaving. For me this is the hardest piece of the healing puzzle but it all goes back to the beginning. We are aware that we attract and choose this because of our traumas and early childhood development or more actually-lack thereof, yet, so much of this feels like it's operating on a subconscious level and as if it's impossible to make a change on because who we are attracted to also feels out of our control, (at least this is how I feel). We deserve love and to be treated with kindness and respect but when we are raised to hate ourselves-then this novel concept that people who come from loving/heathy backgrounds so innately feel entitled to-we find ourselves desperately struggling to internalize. We have to feel it to believe it, knowing it isn't enough. I recently got a scholarship to practice TM meditation from the David Lynch Foundation, not advocating anything to anyone, just saying that I feel that it is helping me get control of my thoughts and weirdly just be ok with myself since I'm sitting with myself in such a deep way. I've never felt comfortable in my own skin. I'm praying for all of us struggling with the deep-seated hellish trauma response that's robbed us of truly being able to enjoy life. I know we didn't come here just to suffer.

First - let me say your response was really heartfelt and although I am sad to know you needed to see it, I am also touched that someone would even say that.. being okay with yourself and content in the "now" is so invaluable. I will check that practice out! We absolutely did not just come here to suffer!! <3

 

[deno]

Reading through this thread, I just want to pause and say… this is one of the most real, honest, and powerful conversations I’ve come across. It hits me deeply, because like many of you, I’ve asked myself why I keep ending up in relationships where I feel invisible, devalued, and like I’m begging just to be acknowledged, let alone loved.

What struck me most was something several of you echoed: that these patterns aren’t just choices but we’re reenacting what our nervous systems were wired to survive. The familiar, even when it’s painful, feels safer than the unknown. And for a long time, I didn’t even realize that’s what was happening.

I’ve also begged for bare minimums. I’ve ignored red flags, not because I didn’t see them, but because I didn’t yet believe I deserved more. And I’ve been in therapy too, where I slowly started to realize… that self-abandonment wasn’t my fault. It was my adaptation.

Hearing from others who’ve come to similar insights or are still in it makes me feel less alone. It’s weirdly empowering to see the courage in every single post here. It makes me believe that healing is possible. That maybe the goal isn’t to “fix” everything, but to stop betraying ourselves just to be loved. We’re allowed to want peace, love, and safety. All three.

 

[Anitza]

Reading through this thread, I just want to pause and say… this is one of the most real, honest, and powerful conversations I’ve come across. It hits me deeply, because like many of you, I’ve asked myself why I keep ending up in relationships where I feel invisible, devalued, and like I’m begging just to be acknowledged, let alone loved.

What struck me most was something several of you echoed: that these patterns aren’t just choices but we’re reenacting what our nervous systems were wired to survive. The familiar, even when it’s painful, feels safer than the unknown. And for a long time, I didn’t even realize that’s what was happening.

I’ve also begged for bare minimums. I’ve ignored red flags, not because I didn’t see them, but because I didn’t yet believe I deserved more. And I’ve been in therapy too, where I slowly started to realize… that self-abandonment wasn’t my fault. It was my adaptation.

Hearing from others who’ve come to similar insights or are still in it makes me feel less alone. It’s weirdly empowering to see the courage in every single post here. It makes me believe that healing is possible. That maybe the goal isn’t to “fix” everything, but to stop betraying ourselves just to be loved. We’re allowed to want peace, love, and safety. All three.

I resonate with everything you said here. Thank you for sharing. Self-abandonment is raspy the crux of this issue. So many of us were raised to feel as if our needs didn't matter, therefore, we never got a chance to know ourselves. Trying to piece myself together in my 40s when I never even knew myself to begin with is really frustrating, especially when people just want to see me more healed. There's so much shame around all of it. I'm grateful to have this group to discuss these things with because I feel so misunderstood most of the time.

 

[deno]

I resonate with everything you said here. Thank you for sharing. Self-abandonment is the crux of this issue. So many of us were raised to feel as if our needs didn't matter, therefore, we never got a chance to know ourselves. Trying to piece myself together in my 40s when I never even knew myself to begin with is frustrating, especially when people just want to see me more healed. There's so much shame around all of it. I'm grateful to have this group to discuss these things with because I feel so misunderstood most of the time.

Anitza, thank you for your response—it means a lot to hear how deeply you relate. You said something that landed with me: "people just want to see me more healed." That hit hard. It's like there’s pressure to perform recovery for others, to make them comfortable, even while we’re still trying to find our footing. And that shame you mentioned—it’s so real. It seeps in, not just from others, but from the parts of us that still believe we should’ve somehow known better, done better.

But the truth is, we were never given the tools. We didn’t grow up learning how to honor our needs—we grew up learning how to suppress them for survival. So, of course, self-abandonment became the norm. But here we are now, choosing to show up differently. And even when it's messy or slow, that choice is powerful.

I’m grateful for this space, too. Conversations like this remind me that we don’t have to figure it all out alone. Healing isn’t a performance...it’s a reclamation.