the body keeps the score - My body is in constant lookout for dangerous and abusive people.

[wallygator]

Its a title of a book that helped me understand what I suspected for a long time. That my body is in constant lookout for dangerous and abusive people.

This morning I was feeling the feelings of self hate and depression and I was remembering some of the skills from CBT about challenging the thoughts and feelings.

It got me thinking how my body was feeling and what it meant to feel this way for no reason as soon as I wake up. Sometimes it takes 5 minutes after I wake up, but these depressive feelings and thoughts come to mind about how I am no good and should not be here. That life is too much to deal with and having to get up and do stuff is so daunting.

Then I remembered that I have tools to help me get out of these feelings whirlpool. Specially propranolol which helps me saparate the mind from the body. I remember 20 years ago when I first took this beta blocker for annxiety and the first time it was like a surreal experience because the anxiety intensity did not materialize even though my mind wanted to freak out my body was cool calm and collected. Today I enjoy not having to fear intensely the anxiety and fear that comes from just doing normal stuff like going outside or talking to someone. It helps me too in the sense that I don’t give an impression that I am trying to hide something from others, which helps me to feel safe. I think feeling safe is the key to life sometimes.

 

[arfie]

I think feeling safe is the key to life sometimes.

my biology training supports this tenant with dogmatic intensity. if it does not feel safe, not even a seed will germinate and eggs won't hatch. safety is the dominant drive of the survival instinct in all species, including humans. perhaps especially humans because of our all too often abused higher reasoning functions.

inside my own psychosis, it be the "hyper" vigilance which keeps messing with nature's perfect design. that pesky higher reasoning keeps telling me i am in danger from people, places and things those higher functions can't even remember. the body really does keep score and it never forgets. sigh. . .

 

[PamelaS]

Its a title of a book that helped me understand what I suspected for a long time. That my body is in constant lookout for dangerous and abusive people.

This morning I was feeling the feelings of self hate and depression and I was remembering some of the skills from CBT about challenging the thoughts and feelings.

It got me thinking how my body was feeling and what it meant to feel this way for no reason as soon as I wake up. Sometimes it takes 5 minutes after I wake up, but these depressive feelings and thoughts come to mind about how I am no good and should not be here. That life is too much to deal with and having to get up and do stuff is so daunting.

Then I remembered that I have tools to help me get out of these feelings whirlpool. Specially propranolol which helps me saparate the mind from the body. I remember 20 years ago when I first took this beta blocker for annxiety and the first time it was like a surreal experience because the anxiety intensity did not materialize even though my mind wanted to freak out my body was cool calm and collected. Today I enjoy not having to fear intensely the anxiety and fear that comes from just doing normal stuff like going outside or talking to someone. It helps me too in the sense that I don’t give an impression that I am trying to hide something from others, which helps me to feel safe. I think feeling safe is the key to life sometimes.

Welcome Wally,
I am new here too. I recently invested in and connected with a pile of resources to learn about PTSD and CPTSD. That book is in my pile. As I consume all of this information, I will try to pass on the valuable ones. Thanks for sharing.
I agree 100% that safety is necessary, but it’s not always achievable. There are still many places that I don’t feel safe, including my home. I am physically safe now that I had the locks changed to the part of the house where I live. But I am still working on achieving emotional safety by putting boundaries in place that I have been constantly tightening. Not feasible to move right now, so I am determined to get through it as best as I can. It makes me think about those who live in war torn areas of the world, like Syria. If they can do it, then I can do it. I’m so very thankful to be connected with this forum where I can feel safe to be me. I hope that you find the same safety as you heal.

 

[CooCoo4CocoaPuffs]

Relatable AF!