The Codependence, Stockhom Syndrome And Caretaking Discussion Thread!

[Abstract]

Copendence, Stockhom Syndrome and Caretaking behaviours are soooo common on here that I thought there might be some value in having a thread dedicated to this stuff. I know I would be interested to hear others thoughts on it.

I thought we could all pile in and list behaviours and examples that fit and then also feel free to question others thoughts.

Essentially a collective bashing out of the details of and thoughts about the range of behaviours that fit under this category.

This is also absolutely the place for both those with PTSD and their friends and families. In MyPTSD Forum speak - both sufferers and supporters. It seems a big issue for both and all are equally welcome.

It might be best to avoid getting sidetracked by discussing personal stories in great detail so that we keep the thread on track.

 

[Abstract]

Being annoyed or hurt when someone doesn't take our advice or accept our help. That can range from feelings of rejection all the way up to feelings of rage.

 

[p-no]

Abstract, I think this thread is a great idea! I will contribute when I can.

Just wanted to say that maybe it'd be a good idea to say what symptoms we attribute to which, Stockholm, Codependence... I am not sure if I'm getting across what I mean :confused: I am trying to say it would help me to put e.g. Stockholm behind a symptom I attribute to it, e.g.

Stockholm Syndrome: I become the politest, most accommodating, brightly smiling person when I am in a room with someone who has got power.

So sorry if this does not make sense. No clue how to say it any better...

 

[mamachick]

Co-D--feeling overly hurt when my daughter is mean to me, does not consider my feelings, and overly accomodating her.

 

[Abstract]

That's a great idea P-no. I could benefit as I still get confused. I understand you perfectly.

Thanks for sharing Bratt!

 

[kacee129]

With me Codependence and caretaking are one in the same. And I'm highly guilt of both. When someone has a problem I feel as if it is my responsibility to fix the problem. I put other peoples feelings and problems before my own. I don't like to see people unhappy. As you are probably saying this is a futile undertaking with someone who refuses treatment for PTSD.

Stockholm Syndrome? Not too sure on that one. Isn't that when someone bonds with their abuser? I may be guilty of that too. I was in a verbal and emotionally abusive marriage, divorced now, but find myself somewhat identifying with his anger.

I

 

[kacee129]

Just had another thought. Since I don't like other people to "hurt" I never really let them feel what they need to feel to help themselves. That is a disservice to them. I think it makes them feel like they are incapable. Is any of this making sense?

 

[p-no]

@kacee129 Yes, absolutely! I find it very well put into words!

 

[aj1]

I don't know if I was really starting to be codependent or not. This whole thing is such a mind f*** for me. I was trying my damnedest to impress her as we only dated for about 3 months. I bough her flowers because that is what you do when you like a girl, you want to make her feel special and make her happy. It made me feel happy to see her happy. When she was sad I tried to be comforting. When she was quiet I tried to help. When she was stressed I tried to reassure her.

It just seems like all of the normal relationship reactions were poison based off of what everyone keeps saying. I should probably just give up trying to understand. I really cannot figure out how any of this will be beneficial to me in a future relationship.

I guess the only thing I can take away from this was it was "fun while it lasted." Not sure the two months that followed were really worth it. And sadly, I fear this fog will be longer than 2 months.

 

[Eleanor]

Walking on eggshells is enabling. Is this the kind of thing you had in mind? I just realized this.

Let me be clear, when you are quiet or considerate of another person and it is your choice to act in an extra considerate way that demonstrates your concern for them that is not a problem. The second you do it out of fear or anxiety about what might happen if you DON"T - as soon as you slip into making THEIR problem your problem... then it is an aspect of co-dependency. Yes?

So no, AJ1, those responses are not bad in themselves. In the context of a relationship with someone who is struggling with PTSD (or any number of other things actually) - they can be a problem. It is not one size fits all. So the answer to when is it a good idea to do those things? is... It depends.:eek:

 

[aj1]

Thank you for that reply. I really was struggling to see her hurting then, as I still am now. I am trying to understand how my show of support and concern was a problem. I suppose her seeing me truly care about her caused some sort of relationship change.

 

[kacee129]

So true Eleanor. And to me there is such a fine line between caring and being codependant or an enabler. I can usually tell after the fact whether I did something because I cared or if it is my codependancy kicking in. If it is my codependancy, I'm usually angry when the other person doesn't "get it". The walking on eggshells is a great example. I've been known to do that if my partner is one, either having a great day and I don't want to do anything to change it, or two, having a miserable day and I don't want to add to it...But then I get angry because "I have to live like this"...When in fact, it is my doing. So confusing.