The End

[anonymous]

I so badly want my life to end but I cannot find the courage to do it :(.

I can list a billion reasons to stay but none of them make me feel like staying.

I am so afraid I am going to do something. Half of me wants to die and is angry I failed last attempt, the other half wants to live and is upset I am being stupid.

I am so sick and tired of life.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I feel the exact same way, I didn't fail recently but I had two failed attempts some years ago, I don't want to do it now unless I'm certain I will be dead at the end of it and yet there's this tiny little piece of me that clings onto the idea that one day I might have hope that one further day I might have something worth living for, but right now I have nothing. I don't feel anything mentally or physically - not anger, not sadness, not even the fear my body was experiencing during a panic attack - It was happening to me, I didn't feel any of it. I don't even the cuts I have on my arms which have been stitched up today. When I didn't even blink or wince when cleaning fluids or creams were put on them, I was asked, didn't it sting, at which point I looked at my arm and said what I realised, "I didn't notice you were doing that".

I want to kill myself and I'm getting closer each day, each hour that passes, but every time I nearly get there something just edges me away from it before I start that decline again, now I just wish it would end to stop that, I just wish I would do it or not and not keep being pulled in towards it. I can't fight any more but it pushes me away and drags me back in an exhausting game. My free will has been taken from me.

The reasons that keep me here, keep me here because I feel guilty if they glimpse my pain while I live, let alone the amount of pain they would see if I died - having said that I don't feel and barely experience that right now, so who knows.

That doesn't really help you I suppose, unless you just wanted to know you weren't alone - although maybe you experience it differently to me - I don't want to presume how you feel. If you don't kill yourself, you might find the thing that keeps you fighting, or tap into some secret pool of strength. You may find that one day you find something worth living for despite and/or in spite of the pain. You may even find something that means you can put your pain down. You are not being stupid though - even though I tell myself that, a small part of me deep down knows that I just haven't the resources to carry on coping the way I am and good things or not, things need to change drastically one way or the other and I'm impatient too perhaps.

Good luck.xx

 

[amcen]

I so badly want my life to end

the other half wants to live

Please forgive me, in this forum we have only typed words. It sounds to me that you don't want your life to end, but you want your extreme suffering to end. Maybe we almost all know what that feels like in this forum. For my part I know what it feels like very well.

I don't know you, maybe I am unwillingly choosing wrong words.

Please, I beg you, call a friend if you have any, or any therapist, 911, a hotline (1-800-273-8255 for example if you are in USA).

Please do any of that if you feel that your life is in danger. Then come back here, plenty of caring people will be with you here, you know it.

As much as it can mean something to you, my heart is with you, for real.

 

[rightkindofme]

I feel similarly sometimes.

Reach out and tell people how much you are hurting. They can only help if they know. *hugs* (if you want them)

 

[ButterflyBean]

Hi and hugs if you accept them!

As others have expressed, you are not alone! I don't mean to look stupid by asking the obvious, but I'm assuming you're in therapy? If so, I encourage you strongly to call him or her! I didn't call mine many times when I was in a crisis. I've regretted that decision a lot because when you're in a place that low, all you need is someone to listen and be nonjudgmental. They can also make decisions about your safety when you may not see the danger! If you don't have a therapist, please tell someone you trust and knows you well! (you can also call 1-800-SUICIDE if you are afraid you might actually hurt yourself)

Please be safe and gentle with yourself! We're always here to listen!

 

[anonymous]

Thanks everyone. :( My therapist is amazing but it's all just too much. I can't see a way forward, feel ashamed of my past, broken by recent events and completely lost. Breathing and just getting through the next few moments is what I keep focusing on. :( I just want it to be over. I hope these feelings pass soon. Worried I will try to end it all but it won't work... :(

 

[amcen]

Please call your therapist, as you say he/she's a good one.

But if calling anyone is too hard for now, write here.

What recent events broke you, what is that past that make you feel ashamed. It looks like you already wrote a lot in this forum, so you probably know that here you will always find people that can relate to you. They may find the right words.

As HollyBeans27 said it, we're always here to listen.

I get that you can't see a way forward, that doesn't mean that there is no way forward.

If you allow me, I have one opinion, that is only my thought though, I would never say it is the truth for everyone. If you can't see a way forward, you NEED to trust 100% your therapist or anyone else NOW, not only 99%, and talk and share about EVERYTHING even the worst. And if you just don't trust enough to say it ALL, if you feel too ashamed or guilty saying it all, if you fear too much that you would get hurt in return (by others or yourself), you MUST overcome that fear and any other feeling NOW. I say it again, that is only my opinion, based on my experience. I went through that, it has been pure hell when I did it, because at once I had to TRUST (that I never had done), to accept pure terror and go through it, and to admit and accept that what happened in my past had really happened, and I faced it ALL by telling it. BUT it has been my way of healing and it worked.

If these words were not adapted, please forgive me.

If right now you need warm feelings of care, comfort, support, many of us here have plenty of these to give to you without any doubt. Then, even if it is difficult, maybe you can just welcome these nice feelings the way they are.

For my part I hope I could send you a tiny transforming sparkle of light into your dark times.

 

[anonymous]

I totally relate to what you are typing. It is a bad place to be. You are not alone. Please reach out to people, if you can. Keep writing it out.

 

[GRANOLA]

It is a bad place to be, and I go there often too. For me I feel that it would be a relief for me and the people who try to help me. Somehow I make it out of the dark for awhile and I actually think I might survive. Then I'm triggered and I start to slip back down into that hopeless place again. The only solution always seems the same and I'm more afraid of it not working.

This is the illness that I have! Its not me, its something that has happened to me. I'm sick and tired of it too.

When things are darkest, I listen to the people that are trying to help. Not the PTSD talking to me.

Hang in there and I hope things will get brighter for you soon!

 

[nimkekaa]

I just want it to be over.

Worried I will try to end it all but it won't work...

Do you have a plan to kill yourself? I am wondering if you are trying to say that you are "going" to kill yourself. If so then please call a crisis line or go to your nearest emergency department.

We are all here to support you but we are not qualified to support you through a suicide attempt. That is why the rules say no suicidal posting. Not to be unsupportive but to make sure people are getting qualified support when it is needed.

Please take good care of yourself and get help if you are truly at the point of wanting to end it.

 

[anonymous]

Want to end it yes :( gosh it just hurts too much right now! Will I kill myself or even try? I do have 'plans' of how but I can't see it happening, not after the last fail.

I'm just hurting and trying to sit it out until a better day comes along. It feels like the better day will never come, it usually does though.

I have people around me that are there for me, but I find it challenging to let the 'I'm fine' mask slip.

Feel crappy on every level, hate that I am too cowedly to do anything about my feelings :( just an overall f*ck up really.

Thank you all for your support. It's appreciated more than words can say.

 

[amcen]

Nimkekaa is very right, please, PLEASE, go to the closest emergency place, call a hotline. Please do it, don't think at all and just do it.

Then please come back and tell us that you did call or/and go to an emergency place and that you are physically safe now. Ok?