The first time you witnessed emotional numbing

[Uti]

Sufferer here.

I've said this many times in many posts.

Fighting through the numbness is a skill that has taken me Y...

Thank you both Eve and Itug for your responses and your personal experience with numbing. As a person without PTSD this whole experience has been overwhelming and so difficult to understand. Your responses as well as this forum has been so helpful for me to put the pieces together, on my own, as my ex cut off all contact. Upon dating my guy (ex combat marine, 14yrs of service) I had no idea what PTSD was or how it presented. He very dismissively said he had PTSD and was seeing a therapist 2x a month. Because of my lack of knowledge on the subject, I didn't probe deeper because he was getting therapy, which I naively thought meant he was handling it. When I began to see his episodes, I was floored. I had no idea it was PTSD symptoms and he wouldn't talk when I asked what was wrong. The wall would go up.
Knowing little information about my ex's past relationships (as he never willingly gave me information) made it hard for me to gauge if his behavior with me was normal. Very confusing and frustrating to say the least.
He was twice divorced. We started planning our wedding for next summer.
Two big red flags were raised a few months into the relationship. He referred to his ex-girlfriend as "a b**tch who ruined everything." Secondly, a close family friend of his told me that he would date women, bring them around, introduce them to family, then all of the sudden they were gone....and it WAS ALWAYS THEIR FAULT.
I am now the ex, and I found out he is telling his friends and family just that....IT'S ALL MY FAULT! Ugh.
I can assume (Eve), as you said, my ex will be stuck in a cycle of relationship after relationship, because it's just a matter of time before he cuts them off. I don't believe he is getting the proper treatment and addressing the issues as intensively as he should be.
I'm out of his life at this point and I know I can't do a thing to help him. It's hard on my heart to accept this.
Thank you again.

 

[Pura]

Sufferer here..

This will probably make no sense but going numb doesn't necessarily mean I don't care. it sometimes mean...

This makes perfect sense to me. This was something I used to do all of the time. I still do on very rare occasions now.
Now I'm the one dealing with shut outs from my s/o. What you said makes sense too. I'm glad you've learned stuff from being here. I definitely have too.
I've learned a lot of strategies as both sufferer and supporter.
To the OP... it is very surreal on both sides of it. If you have the chance look up the Brene Brown talk on vulnerability. It isn't specific at all to PTSD, but brings up the point that people numb out to protect themselves, but you can't numb specific things, but you have to numb EVERYTHING at the time. It's awesome... it helps to listen to.

 

[Uti]

This makes perfect sense to me. This was something I used to do all of the time. I still do on very rare occasions now....

Wow!! I just watched the Ted Talk. I realized when my ex blew his top that he was trying to control the situation, down to every hurtful action (kicking my out of our house) and every hurtful word (vial profanity and character bashing.)
I told him I was aware of his fear of being vulnerable and that he was afraid to let me "see him." I said verbatim..." I want to fully know you and still love you."
I think that freaked him out even more, and he told me I was a whacko. :(

The Ted Talk spoke to my heart, very much so.
I've always believed that the deepest human need is to be FULLY KNOWN...AND STILL LOVED.
Thank you for the information. :)

 

[Eleze]

Wow!! I just watched the Ted Talk. I realized when my ex blew his top that he was trying to control the situation, down...

I'm so happy it helps a little... it helps me to. Don't even get me started on her follow up on shame! I could spend weeks watching that stuff!
We're betty much on the same page... best wishes to you, my dear!

Nae

 

[Uti]

I'm so happy it helps a little... it helps me to. Don't even get me started on her follow up on shame! I could spend we...

Thank you Nae,

Same to you!!

 

[Avopa]

I watched it too!! It was very good. Spoke to me as well.

 

[Ume]

I want to watch her others too on shame.

It's strange because I have been struggling with this idea of vulnerability over the past week in my relationship with my sufferer, and really forgiving myself last night and today for being too "emotional " and expressing myself and being to vulnerable....as if that were being weak. But It's not weak. And then i see this post and watched that video and feel validated!

 

[Ekol]

Sufferer here..

This will probably make no sense but going numb doesn't necessarily mean I don't care. it sometimes mean...

Itug, It's really helpful to me to hear this. It helps me understand. Because I believe it's what happened to my own sufferer. He wasn't in the early stages of dealing with his PTSD. He had been working on it for many years. But I think something set him off and he relapsed.

You said "when you come back you know there was no danger". What happen that allowed you to come back? Just time and space?

 

[Azize]

OP here. It's taken me a few days to reply to the recent posts on here because they've all brought up such strong emotions for me. Because I feel so much of what you all are feelings and saying.

My gosh...you just explained (in your words) my relationship. It's been a year since you posted this. Can you please tell me how you are doing today? How has the healing process been for you?

It's actually only been a few months since I've posted this, but am around the 10 month mark in the fallout of my relationship. To answer your question, I refer you to another post --

It was over with not even a rational conversation between the two of us. It's traumatic for the supporter because non of it makes any sense. No closure, no answers, just empty holes.

Through my own therapy (and time), I get a little bit stronger every day. But ultimately the "no closure, no answers, just empty holes" still weighs on my deeply. It was and is certainly a traumatic experience. It's as if my brain has been rewired. I'd never felt physical anxiety before in my life, now it's something I deal with on a daily basis and am on medication for + medication to sleep.

It's harsh to admit but at that point you ( along with everyone else) have ceased to exist to me. Numbing is surviving. It doesn't mean I'm not in love. It means I shut down to protect myself from an imminent threat of danger. When I come back I know there was no danger. But I dont know it during. I can't be reasoned with because to reason you have to feel

And until I joined this site I had NO idea what it was doing to those around me

This was very comforting to me. I find the biggest challenge is not taking things personally. Asking myself how, after all this time, can she not feel any remorse? I'm not saying come back to the relationship, but to acknowledge the pain she put me through. It's helpful to remember that when feelings are shut down, so is empathy and the capacity for remorse. I understand it's very difficult to think about someone else's feelings when all of your energy and attention is turned inward, focusing on your pain and just trying to survive.


I am going to watch the Brene Brown talk later and come back to reply to the rest. Thank you all - supporters and sufferers alike - for sharing your experiences.

 

[Ojodu]

OP here. It's taken me a few days to reply to the recent posts on here because they've all brought up such strong emotio...

@Azize
You quoted this..."Through my own therapy (and time), I get a little bit stronger every day. But ultimately the "no closure, no answers, just empty holes" still weighs on my deeply. It was and is certainly a traumatic experience. It's as if my brain has been rewired. I'd never felt physical anxiety before in my life, now it's something I deal with on a daily basis and am on medication for + medication to sleep."

This had also been my experience almost verbatim. I struggle terribly with the empty holes and such. For me, the trauma induced by my sufferer also "rewired my brain", so to speak. I've never been one to experience anxiety and it affects me daily, as well as disrupting my sleep pretty much every night. I'm doing EMDR therapy to help with the emotional damage and it has been positive. The night my traumatic experience took place, my left upper eyelid began twitching and it's been consistent for 5 weeks. It's enough to make you scream!! But since the EMDR therapy, I've noticed my lid beginning to relax. Then, when I feel anxious, I notice the lid becoming spastic again. At least it's becoming more intermittent than constant.
Azize have you tried EMDR therapy?

I'm not taking any medication, but some nights I'd just simply loved to be knocked out cold and actually get some good sleep for a change.

 

[Azize]

I have not tried EMDR therapy, but I am in counselling which has been a life saver. I also see a psychiatrist and we've been trying out different anti-Ds. Hoping the one I'm on now will be "the one."

Like you, sleep has been brutal. It's very strange, because it's not like I sit here and obsess over this every day. It's not like I've put my life on pause to sit here and sulk. I can go whole days where I think about it very little -- or when I do, it won't knock me down as it would on some other days -- and even then I can't sleep. Again, it's just something that's been baked into my body from the shock of seeing someone start acting like a completely different person. The sleeping pills I'm on now aren't addictive and don't leave me too groggy in the morning, but I hope I will one day be able to sleep without any aides.

 

[Mizoke]

What was it like when you first saw your sufferer emotionally numb?

Before I saw it for the first time, I didn't really...

I think for my sufferer it's that she cares too much. She's very sensitive and the smallest thing can trigger that fight or flight mode. The first time I experienced it was over text and in no time she flipped and said some nasty things to me and then refused to talk for hours. It was a terrifying experience as I couldn't process what was going on, didn't know whether I was going to hear or see her again. She has explained to me since about her feelings and thought process and how she gets overwhelmed with feelings of abandonment and fear of someone hurting her. Fortunately, this website has helped a lot in understanding PTSD.