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anthony
Founder
Obviously none of us will ever reach perfection in our carer roles; we are all human, after all. However, here are some suggestions for carers which have been provided by sufferers themselves. It is a good "measuring stick" so to speak, if you are questioning your actions and abilities as a carer:
Be Knowledgeable. Learn all you can about PTSD, its effects, symptoms, treatments and so on. Knowledge is power with this illness and will help you immensely in dealing with your loved one.
Be Flexible. Your life has now changed. Plans must be changed, priorities need to be rearranged, the bread winner now may be you, and you should expect surprises. This may not be the life you envisioned, but this is what you have, and you must accept that.
Be Mature. No head games or petty fights. You are not a child. For example, if your partner leaves the seat up on the toilet, put it back down. If he has not learned how to do this by now he's likely never going to so don't complain. It is simply not worth arguing over. Pick your battles.
Be Direct and Honest. No game playing. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't talk around issues or expect your sufferer to "mind read". Ensure boundaries and expectations are clear.
Be Supportive. Point out improvements your loved one has made. When times are difficult, do not say, "What did you do all day?" Instead try, "I am glad you ate or got a shower." Positive reinforcement is much preferable to complaining or nagging. Be an open ear and a strong shoulder when they need it. Do not use guilt trips or sarcasm in dealing with your sufferer. One sufferer remarks, "I have the best, most productive relationships with the people who accept how I am, see how I want to change, and challenge and praise me along the way."
Be Empathetic, Not Sympathetic. Feel for the sufferer; however, do not pretend you know what they are going through. Say, "I am sorry for your pain," not, "I understand how you feel." Do not feel sorry for them nor pity them. Do not enable them to feel sorry for themselves, either. Realize also, even you are experiencing anxiety yourself, unless you are also diagnosed with PTSD, your anxiety will be nowhere near that of your sufferer's, and therefore cannot be compared. Do not make a "contest" out of it; your sufferer has a far more serious case of anxiety than do you, and that is simply a fact you must accept.
Be Patient. Your sufferer's "timetable" for healing, improvements and so on may be very different than your own. A task which seems relatively simple for you may be daunting to them. Do not measure their success based on yourself, others, or even on how they were prior to the trauma. Expectations need to be adjusted accordingly and the sufferer must not be judged for taking his/her time to achieve a goal.
Respect Boundaries. Back off when necessary or when asked. If the sufferer asks for space, give it to them. Do not push them to communicate with you when they wish to be alone, nor talk if they wish to have silence. If they require a physical break, do not pester them with phone calls, gifts, criticisms, or manipulation of any kind. Accept that they may not wish to answer the door or the phone for a couple of days. Invading their personal space during difficult times will only be damaging to your relationship in the long run; it will push them away further.
Realize PTSD is a Life Long Condition. Do not waste time in thinking your loved one will eventually be cured or will go back to being the person they were before they had PTSD. One does not "get over" PTSD; it is permanent. Although your sufferer can reach a management stage and have a very fulfilling life, they will always need to work upon themselves to stay healthy. There will always be some matters they need to avoid. PTSD is now of a part of your life and theirs. It becomes part of the reality of not only the person with PTSD, but their family as well. It takes a while to integrate this into life. It's difficult, frustrating, tear-jerking and will be the cause of many arguments. However, it can be done if everyone is committed to keeping relationships and family together.
Take Care of Yourself. Your own health and happiness is also important - to yourself and your sufferer. You cannot give away what you do not have. Do not be consumed with your sufferer's life and problems. Have your own friends, activities and interests. Take care of your physical health as well, by exercising, eating well, getting enough rest and so on.
In a Nutshell:
An ideal carer is someone who has educated themselves on everything PTSD and trauma related, a person who is empathetic but not sympathetic. A person who pushes when they know the time is right to push, though can judge the sufferer's mood to know when not to push, or quickly back off if the sufferer is simply not coping. A carer should be there for the sufferer, though not try and solve the problem nor pretend they understand. The ideal carer is a person who has a good knowledge of trauma with the right balance of skills to push and back off when each is required.
Be Knowledgeable. Learn all you can about PTSD, its effects, symptoms, treatments and so on. Knowledge is power with this illness and will help you immensely in dealing with your loved one.
Be Flexible. Your life has now changed. Plans must be changed, priorities need to be rearranged, the bread winner now may be you, and you should expect surprises. This may not be the life you envisioned, but this is what you have, and you must accept that.
Be Mature. No head games or petty fights. You are not a child. For example, if your partner leaves the seat up on the toilet, put it back down. If he has not learned how to do this by now he's likely never going to so don't complain. It is simply not worth arguing over. Pick your battles.
Be Direct and Honest. No game playing. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't talk around issues or expect your sufferer to "mind read". Ensure boundaries and expectations are clear.
Be Supportive. Point out improvements your loved one has made. When times are difficult, do not say, "What did you do all day?" Instead try, "I am glad you ate or got a shower." Positive reinforcement is much preferable to complaining or nagging. Be an open ear and a strong shoulder when they need it. Do not use guilt trips or sarcasm in dealing with your sufferer. One sufferer remarks, "I have the best, most productive relationships with the people who accept how I am, see how I want to change, and challenge and praise me along the way."
Be Empathetic, Not Sympathetic. Feel for the sufferer; however, do not pretend you know what they are going through. Say, "I am sorry for your pain," not, "I understand how you feel." Do not feel sorry for them nor pity them. Do not enable them to feel sorry for themselves, either. Realize also, even you are experiencing anxiety yourself, unless you are also diagnosed with PTSD, your anxiety will be nowhere near that of your sufferer's, and therefore cannot be compared. Do not make a "contest" out of it; your sufferer has a far more serious case of anxiety than do you, and that is simply a fact you must accept.
Be Patient. Your sufferer's "timetable" for healing, improvements and so on may be very different than your own. A task which seems relatively simple for you may be daunting to them. Do not measure their success based on yourself, others, or even on how they were prior to the trauma. Expectations need to be adjusted accordingly and the sufferer must not be judged for taking his/her time to achieve a goal.
Respect Boundaries. Back off when necessary or when asked. If the sufferer asks for space, give it to them. Do not push them to communicate with you when they wish to be alone, nor talk if they wish to have silence. If they require a physical break, do not pester them with phone calls, gifts, criticisms, or manipulation of any kind. Accept that they may not wish to answer the door or the phone for a couple of days. Invading their personal space during difficult times will only be damaging to your relationship in the long run; it will push them away further.
Realize PTSD is a Life Long Condition. Do not waste time in thinking your loved one will eventually be cured or will go back to being the person they were before they had PTSD. One does not "get over" PTSD; it is permanent. Although your sufferer can reach a management stage and have a very fulfilling life, they will always need to work upon themselves to stay healthy. There will always be some matters they need to avoid. PTSD is now of a part of your life and theirs. It becomes part of the reality of not only the person with PTSD, but their family as well. It takes a while to integrate this into life. It's difficult, frustrating, tear-jerking and will be the cause of many arguments. However, it can be done if everyone is committed to keeping relationships and family together.
Take Care of Yourself. Your own health and happiness is also important - to yourself and your sufferer. You cannot give away what you do not have. Do not be consumed with your sufferer's life and problems. Have your own friends, activities and interests. Take care of your physical health as well, by exercising, eating well, getting enough rest and so on.
In a Nutshell:
An ideal carer is someone who has educated themselves on everything PTSD and trauma related, a person who is empathetic but not sympathetic. A person who pushes when they know the time is right to push, though can judge the sufferer's mood to know when not to push, or quickly back off if the sufferer is simply not coping. A carer should be there for the sufferer, though not try and solve the problem nor pretend they understand. The ideal carer is a person who has a good knowledge of trauma with the right balance of skills to push and back off when each is required.
