The Impact On Our Children

[WonderingWhy]

I hope this is the right area for this topic.
I started thinking about this from another discussion about children. I thought I would begin a new thread as it was just touched upon in a different topic.

I never realized until my "T" suggested it. My daughter has always since I can remember quick to startle and from the time she could talk asking me "what if" questions. Like "Mom if I am in a store and someone has a gun and they don't see me what should I do?" That is just one variation of thousands of questions she has asked.

To this day at 16 she does not like to go anywhere by herself. I never knew why she was so scared and never did I dream it could be from me.

I mentioned it to my therapist, not as anything to do with me, but just because I wanted to try to break the trend and maybe a little because I didn't want to talk about me!

Surprise, surprise, it was directed right back to me. She said that my child can sense my hypervigilence and fear and the fact that she doesn't know what it is I am fearing it makes her afraid of everything.

I noticed also as a younger child she always wanted to be with me. She didn't even want to stay at friends houses over night until she was like 12 or 13. This was to include not wanting to go with her father. When she is away, still she calls and texts me multiple times a day. This my therapist says could be a combination of that "unknown danger" I've given her a sense of, or a fear for my safety and her wanting to protect me or afraid if she's not there something might happen to me.

I felt so guilty when she gave me her opinion of the origin of her problem. Now my child has NEVER been told about my assaults. However whether "T" is right or not, it does seem quite probable.

Love to hear anyone elses family relationships and effects of your trauma on them. I also would love any suggestions directed at changing my daughters fears.

 

[Nyx]

I can only speak from a child's angle, as I don't have any children yet. But I realized recently that I was blaming my mother for some stuff and I didn't even know it. I was just getting nervous and agitated when I talked to her, because I felt I had to be 'the parent'. I always felt that with her. And as I grew up, I started hiding things from her so I wouldn't upset her, started ''counseling" her when she was feeling down, even if I myself was feeling down at the moment, started calling her often so she wouldn't worry about me. I love my mother. I really do. And so does she. But right now I don't quite know what to do with the new information I got from myself.

What I think you should do is talk to her. You seem to have a pretty open relationship and she's old enough to have a serious conversation. Ask her why she behaves like that, what she feels. You can't do anything if you're only guessing what she feels. Discover and then take action.

I'm sure it will be ok. It's best to know it at one point, then to continue doing something that can turn out to be destructive. So just be brave and talk to her.

 

[Nicolette]

They say that "the people you are surrounded by are a reflection of you". I think that if you do not speak about something yet 'act' in a manner that reflects that 'something' then what you therapist says is highly probable. Another saying which comes to mind is "actions speak louder than words"....anyone can say anything but you learn more about them watching what they do.

Children learn behaviours so if you are behaving in a manner that life holds 'dangers' then your children will pick up on that, as they do if you are sad, happy etc, and if continued over a long period of time the children then repeat what they see as that is how they learn.

 

[anthony]

Welcome to the cycle WW... the abusive cycle gets passed from parent to child until someone breaks it. You just did yourself and your child a favour by recognising it and hopefully you can change her mind before she gets too much older and becomes reclusive before she really begins life itself. Adolescense is still easy enough to change brain functions... maybe even this is your motivator to push past your own fears in order for your daughter to see her fears are also false.

 

[sisterinsurvival]

My beautiful, beautiful daughter has been scared by the monster that lives within me. My moods and irritability are beginning to present in her personality and it scares the hell out of me. I don't want this for her. She never has had to deal with molestation, alcoholism, drug abuse, rampant familial codependency, nor fearing for her life as I have, but she has dealt with my screaming, throwing things, unpredictability of mood, being ignored while I isolated myself in front of the computer and disregarded everything else in my life. She has witnessed more than one physical confrontation between my husband and I. Heck, I think I have even given the dog PTSD...and I am not joking! Following a summer of surgery for my gallbladder and therapy for the back surgery I had last summer, returning to work as a teacher this fall and the stress over my daughter's changing schools has ramped up my anger and aggression. The poor mutt heads for the nearest hiding place at any sign of an upset tone in my voice...duck and cover has become her method of survival for sure.

I think my daughter feels the same way about me. It comes out through her own anger and is expressed through rebellion. While I have never physically put her in danger, my moods swings and anger have impacted her. This last slide was the one that forced me to seek out further help. The monster inside of me was/is destroying my world and my precious child. I was younger than her when my PTSD started to develop. It frightens me that I could have activated this in her life.

 

[Nicolette]

By acknowledging and accepting your part in what you have just written Lynn you now are faced with a powerful choice. You can apply what you have learned and change your life so your daughter's can be better.....you do have the strength and power to break the cycle...I believe in you.

 

[Nyx]

Good luck Lynn. I wish you both to pull through gloriously.