The path towards healing is a long and hard one

Bubblegum

Learning
Ok so 2nd day after Ketamine treatment, I picked up my art supplies and started working on personal stuff, not because I had to, because I just had this deep need to create.

So far, I took my sleep medication the day when I got the treatment, I slept a full 8 hours! Uninterrupted, and holy shit, I never do that (I take them to be able to fall asleep). I'm pretty lightweight with most prescription drugs, I read that most people lost the effect of the first injection after a day, but it's day two before my second dose, and I'm still not feeling suicidal, I am not dealing with any thoughts of self harm, flashbacks have barely been noticeable, irritation and anger still there, but a lot more mellow.

Last night I did a little experiment and tried going to sleep without any medication, and to my surprise, it worked! It's been years without medication, and honestly my Adhd medication is a lot more effective too from what I've noticed.
 

Bubblegum

Learning
Second Ketamine injection, I had a different nurse, and lets just say I didnt like her very much. I have a bloodphobia and also a phobia of needles, she missed 4 times and lets just say that blood squirted everywhere and I had a bad trip 🥲 She was also pretty cold and professional, but in a 'live love laugh' kind of way, which didnt make me feel safer, it didnt sit well with me, it kind of reminded me of my last T that I had in public health care, that was mean and gaslighty. Idk if that was what triggered the intrusive thoughts I had during treatment, but I remember throwing up.

I felt pretty chipper later in the day though, and today I even went outside! I'm sitting in a cafe alone as I am writing this! The other day that felt next to impossible, but I went for a walk and now I am having a cup of coffee? By myself??? It almost seems too good to be real 😭💖 Public space is still a little too much to take in still, so wearing earplugs for now ^^
 

Bubblegum

Learning
And one thing, my T told me one very important thing, that made me feel a little better about myself I suppose 😊

That narcissists mirror your good, or desirable traits, so what you did essentially, was fall in love with yourself. And it made me think, maybe I'm not so bad? Idk it made sense somewhat, because they werent at all like the person I fell in love to begin with. So maybe, maybe I am capable of loving this person, who I am, maybe one day I'll stop feeling trapped inside myself entierly.

And tbh, I guess you could say I Trauma bonded with my ex pretty badly. Its just, when you find yourself in a abusive realationship, you make all kinds of excuses when you are there, your friends and family try to convince you to get out, but you're in too deep, you have a small suspicion resting in the back of your head, but you think to yourself "me getting abused? what? lmao no, never" even though it has already happened time and time again.

The gaslighting, the emotional abuse, how they always seem to 'push all the right buttons', the physical abuse, the sexual abuse.

And you used to think how that would never let that happen to you, even when you knew that the abuse you went through as a kid, probably set you up for failure, you cry when youre angry, you dont know how to have healthy boundaries, you dont know how to enforce them without crying. You're scared of authority, even though you rarely ever break any rules. Its awful.

I've always ended up in abusive realationships and living situations, and I found myself thinking then "at least they arent hitting me" even if they would physically drag me into a closet, me being at the age of 22, them locking the doors, no phone no nothing.

Family, that I trusted since I was a child, my cousin, I thought they trusted and loved me, but no they told everyone "what I did" and they threatened me w it all the time, but they went ahead, and f*ck Ibhave never felt lonelier.

"at least they arent hitting me"
Honestly never stooping that low again, I'm angry and ready to fight the f*cking world. I finally got out of my circle of abuse, I'm doing so much better now than what Ive done in 10 years. I'm finally screaming, kicking and fighting for my life again, and I'm finally proud, I got this.

I'm in a safe place, and this time, I got this, lets kick lifes butt!!
 

Bubblegum

Learning
Third injection last night went well, today I'm just crying as I am happy to be alive.

Is it really okay for me to be happy like this? It's such an unknown feeling, is it even okay for me to be here? in the forum? I dont even know, I just know that I'm trying to figure out who this new person is, I didnt know how not to be in pain, and it is so weird, I want to be in pain, but my brain wont let me, I'm happy, but oh, am I uncomfortable, because If I'm not suffering who am I?

Can I let that go? Am I ready to let this baggage fall off of me? I dont know.

I'm happy but confused
 

joeylittle

Administrator
I'm happy, but oh, am I uncomfortable, because If I'm not suffering who am I?
What matters the most, IMO, is that you can recognize this ^^^as the issue.

It will take time, for the way you think about yourself to change. It needs to catch up with your new-found ability to understand what it feels like, to be happy. it's a little bit like - the demolition of a huge building can take place in a matter of minutes; I'm taking about the collapsing of giant skyscrapers, buildings like that. It's amazing to see how fast they can just fall and suddenly, where there was a building, there's now a pile of rubble, and a giant patch of open space.

It sounds like the ketamine has given you a giant patch of open space, where your depression used to be.

But clearing away the rubble, and making something new - the new structure that will occupy the space where the building used to be? Where the depression used to be? That process takes time - it's building the new information pathways, the new thought patterns, just one day at a time. There's really no way to drastically speed up the way our brains shape thoughts and interpret experiences. It's the choices you make moment to moment, and day to day - that's where the work is, now.

I'm so, so glad you're feeling able to make something beautiful in place of where that skyscraper of depression used to be.
 

Bubblegum

Learning
What matters the most, IMO, is that you can recognize this ^^^as the issue.

It will take time, for the way you think about yourself to change. It needs to catch up with your new-found ability to understand what it feels like, to be happy. it's a little bit like - the demolition of a huge building can take place in a matter of minutes; I'm taking about the collapsing of giant skyscrapers, buildings like that. It's amazing to see how fast they can just fall and suddenly, where there was a building, there's now a pile of rubble, and a giant patch of open space.

It sounds like the ketamine has given you a giant patch of open space, where your depression used to be.

But clearing away the rubble, and making something new - the new structure that will occupy the space where the building used to be? Where the depression used to be? That process takes time - it's building the new information pathways, the new thought patterns, just one day at a time. There's really no way to drastically speed up the way our brains shape thoughts and interpret experiences. It's the choices you make moment to moment, and day to day - that's where the work is, now.

I'm so, so glad you're feeling able to make something beautiful in place of where that skyscraper of depression used to be.

Thank you Joey 💜 And thats exactly what it was, a skyscraper 🥲 (Great analogy by the way!) I Think I want to build a safe and cozy space for myself in midst of all the rubble and tall buildings, a little house with a patch of grass and tall trees, somewhere to go when the storms coming 😊

I still got 3 left until I'm at the booster stage if that makes sense, it has reduced some of my symptoms by a good 50% ?? Its kind of hard to tell, because I'm used to being bed ridden :/

But this is definetly a great start! Thank you 💜
 

Bubblegum

Learning
Found this on my tablet, posting to add to the list of things to talk to my T about tomorrow, I'm going to try get some sleep now.

September 3rd:

Today sucked, its the anniversary of my late best friends suicide, and I happened to check Fb and the "years ago" thing, out of curiosity, a week beforehand.

I forgot the date, but it explains the sudden unease I've been carrying the past two weeks. I saw a status that I made ten years ago, about me moving, asking if anyone wanted to come say goodbye before I left, no one but him commented on it.

Still wish I didnt see that, and the very last comment he ever wrote to me, that I somehow missed. "I hope I'm not bothering you too much :)"

me and my shitty adhd.

It was sad because, I had lots of friends prior to our relationship, and no one else came to see me off. I couldnt keep living in my home town, due to a heavy smear campaign that began when we started dating, we got constantly harrassed, which forced us to break up (He went through the same smear campaign, but was suicidal prior to it)

My ex best friend had a infatuation we weren't aware of, and got really nasty with the rumors.

He wanted to get back with me later but I said no, I just wouldnt go through that again.

I still blame myself for what happened to him after leaving, since I was so hung up with the moving and didnt call or text.

I hate this, the last thing I said to him was that he'd better "be here" when I got back, and he told me that he couldnt promise me anything, and that everything turns out right for good girls, he hugged me, it was like a shell of a person, he had gotten so thin, his hair was thinning all over, the blank eyes.

I just, why cant I remember one single good moment, I wish my brain would stop feeling like its all scrambled up on there. I'm not even sure whats real, like what if I am the actual reason he's gone?

I'm just exhausted with all the anniversaries, just stop making so much noise pleade
 
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