Relationship The Price Of PTSD On Relationships

[spiritofnow]

Becvan,

I am still conflicted over that message. I do not want to get into another debate about why it is true or why it is not!

I feel as I am going through therapy and working hard and I mean really hard I will not be leaving any stone uncovered. I feel, that I am actually dealing with the trauma and the effects of PTSD are not so relevant anymore. I have learned all of this and I am unlearning it. The symptoms of PTSD, for me, feel like a really bad habit that I have taught myself and I feel I can re-teach myself new healthy habits.

I don't feel I need, want to have the label of PTSD for the rest of my life. I guess the more I voice this opinion the more people may think, 'oh, she is in denial', that is not true for me. I am just hard working and determined to be my own heroin. I just instinctively know that I can do this.

I guess the actual trauma's that I have faced were way more devastating than the symptoms of PTSD. They caused PTSD so if I am cancelling them out as I go along then my symptoms will have no place within me.

I guess all I can say is watch this space!.............

Spirit x

 

[Browneyed_Dutchgirl]

moments of silence

Hi everyone,

I am new here. Guess I am also a stranger on this part, because I am a Dutch girl (33) whose boyfriend served in the Croatian army during the war in former Yugoslavia. He was also a member of the special police force. In '91 he was captured by the Serbs and kept in detention for more than 2 months. He was tortured but eventually released. After that he served as a special police (speznac) until 2000. When the first presient of Croatia died he was forced into retirement. He is 37...!. It's a long story how we met, what we went through. Maybe there will be time to tell more.

What I want to say is that without this forum I am not sure whether I would still be with him. I thought (when he told me he had PTSD) that it was about nightmares, stress, pain. But now I know there's far more to it. I read all the threads about shutting out. I know now what that is... I had two of them (we are together 1.5 year). Well, you could stand on your head if you like, but when they don't feel like talking they won't talk. The first time I had no idea what was going on. Whatever I texted, whether I called or not, he was just not there. We met at christmas in Croatiaand I had a wonderful time with him, his beautiful daughter and his mother (they live together). He waited 10 hours for me at the airport (I was delayed because of the wheather). After that we had diffiicult times (illness because of his stress), his financial problems, but no more shutting outs for weeks. He explained to me that when he did that he felt so awful that he had no words to describe how he feels. He then doesn't eat, doesn't go anywhere. After the second time, when I read about PTSD and found this forum, I found a letter here made by someone who has PTSD. A letter to his girlfriend. It is about the gift of presense, and about the metaphor of the cup filled up till the edge. Does anyone here remember? I translated it to my best Croatian and sent it by email. After three days he contacted me and thanked me for understanding him. After that I never heard this "You don't understand', 'You can never understand'; (although I know there are still a lot of things I could not understand). But he realized that I really loved him and that I wanted to at least try to understand him.

When I remember these periods of shutting out, I could cry. He is my everything. And now he can tell me that he never wants to be without me. We have our quarrels, and he has his bad periods, when there are financial problems etc. I just never stopped believing in him, whatever other people would say to me. I had seen someone so beautifull, emotional, so loving and honest that I was sure then that there had to be a reason. I know now. Yes, it is hard. But in my opinion, when he wants to fight for his love as much as you do, then everything is possible. And eventually he will give you just that what you needed before. Because they don't forget what you tell them and they can feel so much love and emotion. Because they knew hell on earth, they know what they want what they need in a person: lots of love and understanding. And they then have so much to give back!

I don't know what ecxactly I want to say here. I think I can agree with those who say that when they shut you out they have no other option. They feel so horrible, so stressed, in pain, worthless, that only the most urgent things around them (family, finance) is more than enough. My love tells me that he then also feel like a time bomb, about to explode.

But when there is love growing (he has never been rude to me), with mutual understanding (I tell him how difficult it was for me when he shut me out, when already being 1300 km apart). Recently he told me that he was sorry for the stupid things in his mind, that it was for him as well an exhaustion. That was the first time. He has no need to apologize, but it felt good. But he also said that he feels even worse when he knows that I am sad because of his behaviour. He can't stand seeing me in tears. Like he would say: whatever I do, be strong'. He also said that that it doesn't change his feeling about me. 'It's like I am on a highway, there is no end, and I just keep going on'. And then, there is this moment of awakening. So, I agree (from my personal experience) that they don't do this to be rude or whatever. It just happen, because of what happens in their lives (problems e.g.) or things in their mind which just go on and on. Today it can be ok, tomorrow it can be hell. When they feel love and security (that is what he keeps on telling me) you will be in his heart until he feels good enough to get back to you. Try to understand, but also tell him how this hurts you as well. But you have to ask yourself how much you love him, to be in pain just because you love him.

 

[becvan]

Spirit: If you would like to take this aspect of the discussion elsewhere, I'll gladly chime in. However this is the carer's section and is not the place to debate what was already done by asking for everyone's views.

bec

 

[mbaldwin]

Yes, it is truly a deep love. One some people can't fathom. Even your partner who is suffering, who feels unworthy, can not understand why you would love him so much.

Sometimes you or the suffer does not know he is sick, until you have been in the relationship for awhile, why would you quit on them because hard times are coming ahead.

 

[mbaldwin]

I have been dealing with this question for about a month now, he was just diagnosed, and this has been very difficult. Can i tell him what i'm feeling, will he respect& respond to my feelings. Usually, I have alwasy been able to say anything to him, but now, i do feel selfish telling him this is hard, i don't understand, i'm scared, i'm lonely, I don't want him to feel that I can't do this with him. Where do I go!! I can go for support to my family and friends, but they do not realize the severity of the disorder. They say, you know, you don't have to do this!! Yes, I do I love and support him. I want somebody to help me tell me how to cope!!

 

[Cowgirl]

How to cope. You cope in multiple ways.

First. Learn everything you can about the disorder.

Second. Realize that it isn't about YOU. You didn't cause it. You don't make it worse. You aren't why he is angry or withdrawn. So never beat yourself up about it.

Third. Set boundaries. This is true in any relationship, of course. But I think it can be especially difficult to set effective boundaries with a person who is ill. For one thing, they will test the boundaries differently than a person who is free of PTSD, and that may challenge your boundary-setting skills - it did mine. Still does. But I've learned how to set better and more appropriate boundaries the more I have learned about PTSD. You have to look at the behaviors, how they affect you (and your relationship) and then how they need to be dealt with, and that will vary depending upon the issue and your circumstances.

Fourth. Take care of yourself. If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. So do things YOU enjoy. Keep up with your friends. Don't allow your entire focus, your entire world, to revolve around him and the PTSD.

Fifth. Talk to him, but pick the appropriate times. Don't try to talk to him about "issues" when he is clearly having a bad day. And whatever you do, don't allow yourself to become obsessed with the "issues" to the point that that is all you want to talk about.

Sixth. Be upbeat with him. He is still the same person you fell in love with, and he is NOT totally defined by PTSD. When he's able, do the things you love to do together.

I hope that is of some help.

 

[Nicolette]

I want somebody to help me tell me how to cope!!

As much as we would all like the simple answer, I think dealing with PTSD is like having a baby and no-one giving you a manual to tell you how it works :wink:!

All fun aside.... I think no answer or solution will be the same for anyone as we are all individuals dealing with individuals with different stages of PTSD. There are some common good sense things which you can take on board - like the things Cowgirl has mentioned.

My advice is this:

• Provide lots of love and support
• Find an outlet of support for you (therapist, neutral person, friend) to enable you to offload your stress....bringing it home and adding it to the mix is ok for those short term things but ongoing is all bad.
• Have some you time.....they can do without you for awhile
• Don't put up with any crap....abuse, mistreatment or wallowing which is only attention seeking allowing them to use PTSD as their excuse
• Stand you ground with good, healthy and realistic boundaries
• Provide lots of love and support....more of it!
• Sometimes be quiet for awhile (I know this is difficult for some females :rolleyes:) and think rather than speak
• Hold them accountable for their actions....PTSD is an illness but not a cop out
• Listen to what they say and treat it with credence.....they do hold some of the answers if you want to hear them....you need to let them speak and encourage them to teach you (help you to help them!)
• Pick your times to have discussions re your feelings or issues etc and pick your battles....some things you have to let slide

 

[nlk]

This is one of the hardest things to do.

My friend can be attacking me one minute & then turn around and act like nothing happened & here I am feeling bad and want to let her know how I feel.

The balancing act is the hardest, especially when she doesn't realize how what she said or did hurts me.

Unfortunately, I don't have anyone I feel like I can just talk to, as no one but myself knows all the traumas-not her counselor, group or hubby.

Today was hard, as she hurt my feelings and doesn't even realize it, but then I think I may be too sensitive...I am waiting til tomorrow or the next day to bring it up to give myself time to think and make sure I didn't over react. Time for me helps in many things.

 

[Nicolette]

This is one of the hardest things to do.

My friend can be attacking me one minute & then turn around and act like nothing happened & here I am feeling bad and want to let her know how I feel.

While PTSD may be causing your friend to be hot and cold like that it is still not a good reason for you to be hurt........ how do you overcome this?....well that is another question!

The balancing act is the hardest, especially when she doesn't realize how what she said or did hurts me.

While this is true.....be careful with your thinking so you don't allow abuse and get into a cycle with it. Type in abuse cycle in google and do some reading I say.

Unfortunately, I don't have anyone I feel like I can just talk to, as no one but myself knows all the traumas-not her counselor, group or hubby.

This is not good nlk.....you will end up ill if you are carrying all this stress along with your friend's current behaviour. Talk here or tell someone who doesn't know your friend but you trust. You need to look after yourself otherwise you may end up sick also and we don't want that.

It bothers me that your friend has not told her husband. Why do you think this is?

Today was hard, as she hurt my feelings and doesn't even realize it, but then I think I may be too sensitive...I am waiting til tomorrow or the next day to bring it up to give myself time to think and make sure I didn't over react. Time for me helps in many things.

Mmm.... while I understand you have to pick your battles with PTSD that does not mean you should change who you are to accommodate your friend. If your feeling were hurt then they were hurt....you may be a sensitive person but just as you accommodate your friend's illness she needs to come to some acceptance of who you are and try to be understanding towards you. PTSD is not a one way street where you have to do all the giving. You may need to give a little more at times when your friend is ill but be careful in not creating an unhealthy one sided relationship where you lose you!

I know I sound harsh but personally I find things much better when I make sure I count too and that includes my feelings. The only difference I find with a male PTSD sufferer versus someone who does not have PTSD is that you have to be short and straight to the point. Say what you need to as nicely as possible but don't ramble on...walk away and leave it at that and let them think about it. I cannot comment on women but I would guess it wouldn't be much different. You need to read what PTSD sufferers say in their section to learn how their world is.

 

[nlk]

While PTSD may be causing your friend to be hot and cold like that it is still not a good reason for you to be hurt........ how do you overcome this?....well that is another question!

She is not really cold & hot to extremes at least to me during a 'normal' day. That is why I said I would wait to see how I felt after I had time to think over what she said & my reaction. I did talk with her the next day & she didn't realize what she had said offended me, she thought she was just letting me know facts.

And the way I overcome when she hurts me is to: 1. Think it over & see if I still feel the same way a day or two after the situation, if I still feel hurt then I know it is real & not just a response in the heat of the moment. 2. If I think she will be hurt or spiral down when I let her know how I feel then I talk things over with my hubby & get his feelings on it-I still may be just 'reacting' to the situation.

While this is true.....be careful with your thinking so you don't allow abuse and get into a cycle with it. Type in abuse cycle in google and do some reading I say.

I have let my friend know that are certain things I will not tolerate & she understands this and abides by this, however I also realize I need to be more understanding at times just not a doormat.

This is not good nlk.....you will end up ill if you are carrying all this stress along with your friend's current behaviour. Talk here or tell someone who doesn't know your friend but you trust. You need to look after yourself otherwise you may end up sick also and we don't want that.

Yes, her therapist and my hubby agrees 100% that I need to look out for myself. Unfortunately, I don't feel where I can share what I know with other people yet, alot of my friends are her friends -we walk in many of the same circles.

It bothers me that your friend has not told her husband. Why do you think this is?

She has told her husband parts of the trauma but he just doesn't know how to deal with it or her. At least that is what I am seeing. There are times when she has had a good day with me and then goes home & spirals downward just from one word or question from her husband. And then I feel as if all we had worked so hard on that day is just gone. He triggers her unknowingly-at least I think it is unknowingly. I do know why she has not told her husband everything and can understand. I have also expressed to her that she needs to tell her therapist everything otherwise she will not heal as she needs.

Mmm.... while I understand you have to pick your battles with PTSD that does not mean you should change who you are to accommodate your friend. If your feeling were hurt then they were hurt....you may be a sensitive person but just as you accommodate your friend's illness she needs to come to some acceptance of who you are and try to be understanding towards you. PTSD is not a one way street where you have to do all the giving. You may need to give a little more at times when your friend is ill but be careful in not creating an unhealthy one sided relationship where you lose you!

I know I sound harsh but personally I find things much better when I make sure I count too and that includes my feelings. The only difference I find with a male PTSD sufferer versus someone who does not have PTSD is that you have to be short and straight to the point. Say what you need to as nicely as possible but don't ramble on...walk away and leave it at that and let them think about it. I cannot comment on women but I would guess it wouldn't be much different. You need to read what PTSD sufferers say in their section to learn how their world is.

Nicolette, you are not harsh sounding. I understand what you are saying and I do read the ptsd sections. It has helped me realize that she is not alone & I even encourage her to read parts that I feel apply to her but she doesn't realize she is like this. Sometimes she will see herself, sometimes not & I let her know that "yes this is you at times". She has a very long road ahead of her and she is terrified of it, but then she is also terrified of staying where she is. There are days when I just don't know what to do & am scared myself.

I appreciate you helping me out. Just want to let you know that I know I need to take care of myself, it won't help her or me in the long run if I don't.

nlk

 

[Robin Bannon]

I'm new to this forum as well. My husband was diagnosed with PTSD just over 7 months ago. I look forward to reading every darn word in this site...but its just been recently that I myself have been feeling extremely LOW. I am reading things and thinking "holy thats me - thats my life". My husband has not drank alcohol in over 18yr...and recently he has been drinking, bringing home alcohol...so not like him or our family. 7 months, and over the past couple of weeks, life has gotten extremely difficult, the feeling for me is "Hell has opened up".

I cannot wait to ask so many questions, get help for this site, right now I'm just a little overwhelmed...but I am seriously grateful to have found this site.
Thank you
Robin

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum Robin. :Hug_emoticon: