Relationship The Price Of PTSD On Relationships

[Kim_6116]

Hey guys - I am new here and totally lost right now. I hope you guys can help me along the way.

Hubby has had ptsd for 8 years and I am his carer. What confuses me so much is that he can remember when he has to catch up with a mate for coffee or when he needs to sail, but the one day I am at work he cant remember to put the clothes on the line. Now I know this looks like I am whining - and a small part of me probably is but I just really need help with how to handle these things.

I feel like there is all this support for the sufferers - but not so much for the carers. I handle things very badly at times, because I am so so frustrated, and at the same time I am walking on egg shells and meeting the kids at the door telling them to give him a wide berth as its a bad day for him. I get that, I really do, some days are bad, some days are volcanic and I try really hard to handle them but (being selfish) what about when I have a bad day or when his bad day is too much for me right now?

I also have a mother who is very sick so I am trying to look after her, look after hubby, run my daughter to work, work myself, cook, clean, iron etc. I feel so overwhelmed, I feel like I am breaking and then I turn to alcohol because it helps me sleep, because I can relax for once and then that turns into an argument.

I am seriously and breaking point and I hope so much that you guys can advise.

Thanks in advance
xxx

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[BrazenBull]

:( I try as hard as I can to make my girl feel wanted. Although I can't say the same thing for any of my friends or family. There are sometimes where I am unable to speak with her, but she understands. After all, I got so much work that needs to be done and sometimes I need a break from both work and people.

It must be pretty hard on her though. A heavy schedule is one thing, but to have this habit where I like to shut people out is a little much.
When I can bring myself to speak I share everything no matter how uncomfortable it is for me.

 

[Aunt Flo]

I've had a rollercoast 2 weeks as a 'carer'.

We had a fantastic weekend, just spending quality time and telling each other how much we loved each other. Out of the blue, he feels out of control and gets anxious, asking me to leave. I was confused and didn't understand the PTSD at this time and tried to reason with him, but he really needed me to go. So I left, feeling completely devastated.

The next day he said he felt embarrassed by his reaction and explained that he had experienced a new, unknown trigger. I reassured him that there was no need for him to feel this way. He asked me not to walk away from him, and I won't, I have told him I am not going anywhere.

We spent another lovely weekend together but at one point there were icy moments. I feel as though I am walking on eggshells, although he tells me I am not to. For the past 2 weeks, I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. Feeling upbeat one day, and low the next. I am trying not to take it personally, but am finding it difficult.

He gets irritable with me when I don't understand his sense of humour/expression, which is more times than not, by text/email, so hard to put a tone to it. If I say I'm sorry, he tells me off for it. We have discussed the future, and he wants to spend it with me, but we can only discuss it when he wants to, not when I want to. It feels very controlling and I feel controlled. I will support him, but I need support myself.

 

[Rick A.]

Vietnam ... I've been running from my 'Asian Vacation' for 11 years since I was diagnosed with 'shell shock' (hell, maybe longer). Was married once and only once for 27 years ... had a 'meltdown'... then my family (Wife & kids) left me because they couldn't deal with my being 'twitchy'.

Thanks to the medications & living in the 'wilderness' .... I now know my limitations/'triggers'.

So now I'm a recluse/hermit and I believe this is where I feel safe ... hanging with my 'critters'.

May peace be with you always.

 

[cdinwv]

I married in 1995 to my husband who I am married to now. Our daughter was born in 1996. I became diagnosed with epilepsy in 1995. I became diagnosed with PTSD in 2009. I was diagnosed with non-epileptic seizure disorder or commonly referred to as pseudoseizures in 2011.

My husband and daughter have never known me a time that we did not have to work through my medical issues in our life together. We have always had friends to help us for support and we respect each other's spaces to rejuvenate mental well-being and strength.

The living room is my husband's peaceful haven. My daughter's bedroom is her place of peace and restoring her own strength. I have a computer room of electronic entertainment and my guitars that help me to constructively cope, physically and mentally restore and hide out when I need to self-rejuvenate through the PTSD flare-ups and seizures or auras.

We have open communications and talk openly without confrontations even if we have to wait to discuss things to talk rationally, we do. It's a three-way street here for us to compromise with one another depending on the issues at hands. But we respect one another and do our best to make it work. It's not the quality of life that we wished for but it is what we are dealt. We do the best we can constructively to heal and work through it for all of us to make the most of our time together and make our lives better for each of us given what we have to work with for each other.

The lifestyle changes we have had to accept through these years has been difficult for all of us especially with my diagnosises. If we lived in any other state but West Virginia, I would not have got to benefit the years that I did get to work a full-time career job because of driving restrictions in other states.

Now that I do not work outside the home and am seeking permanent disability it was a curve ball that we have to accept and work through. We are one day at a time. We had to move from a home that was paid for after finding out how PTSD triggers play an important part of controlling and handling PTSD. As this home was situated only miles from where the abuse took place as a child for me, the scenary since gaining awareness was more than I could bare and it didn't leave my husband and my daughter unaffected by the move either. I had spent many years of emotional roller coasters, lack of seizure control and difficult times in our family of coping. It all started to make sense to all of us after the correct medical diagnosis in my life.

It does not make it easy for my daughter and my husband to handle now that I can not work outside the home or the freedom of mobility that I use to have because of the spikes in seizure, seizure auras, and PTSD trigger awareness- but we do the best we can.

I wish if I had a redo that I would never had a child nor a husband until I could work through my own medical issues and the ramifications of what surviving child abuse trauma did to me but also the impact that it has made on my husband and our daughter. It's not been an easy journey for us nor will it ever be.

One must take of their self as a carer and one that is sick needs too also. It should be a give and receive two way street of open communication and honest conversations no matter how difficult it maybe for others to understand and for a person to accept about theirself. I would never regret any choice I have made in my life before or after diagnosis but it does hurt to be a burden on other's because of medical conditions I never chose, nor asked for, and hate the hardships that it has done to my husband, our daughter and myself.

But we honestly and truthfully try even against all odds and in the final of our lives, that's all any of us could hope for is to find those people that love us through it all on a two-way street of respect and vice versa-no matter how hard it truly is.

I feel very happy with my life even tho, it is complicated by medical conditions I did not ask for as a direct result of my abuse. Though, the road difficult for me and my husband and my daughter, the abuse stopped before my daughter was born and I could never have asked for a better husband even in his faults.

Life is not easy. But at least with PTSD and seizure disorders, we can self-care and work to help ourselves and help others in our lives by being there for them and allowing them to be there for us. Support is a wonderful two-way street and should be extended to those with illnesses and those who do not have illnesses. Best wishes.

 

[TigerLilly]

I have enjoyed reading this thread! I believe when you agree to enter into the PTSD relationship, you should understand that you are entering a give relationship, not a give and take. Some people can not do a give relationship. Others can to a certain point, but it takes everything out of them and then there is nothing left. It sucks them dry of any feelings they had.

You must be strong willed and dedicated, committed to see a long term relationship out of it.

As for me, I have always been more of a giver than a taker, and I didn't understand what I was getting into, not really. But now that I'm in it, I have decided I will do whatever it takes to make it work. That means I burden my friends at times, but I have learned who I can lean on and who I can't. I have found a supportive friend (and a girl -- not a guy) that listens to me, and helps pull me out of my spins when I get in them.

Yes I need that from my husband too, but you can't be in a spin when they are, and when they are up, you don't want to go through a spin and throw them right back into one...so I am learning to take some "me" time. I just tell my husband I need some me time, and I go off and have my melt down in private. But what has helped me more than anything is spending time in prayer, and lots of it!!!

The biggest caution I can give any supporter regarding relationships with PTSD sufferers is be careful who you open up to, because PTSD is a very complex issue, and not everyone knows enough about it to give good advice.

And as a female supporter -- I avoid talking about my issues with any guy friends.
Since I'm missing the emotional attachment in my marriage, I would not want to open the door to relying on a male friend for the emotional support, as I think that is asking for a division in your marriage and a door that should not be opened.

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[Lady of Longbourn]

Even though I am a sufferer, this thread as helped me understand PTSD on relationships and where I need to work on with my own.

It's very helpful and understanding. And makes me realize more and more how important it is for me to take care of myself.

 

[raulsgirl]

I tend by personality to be a carer. And I've questioned that in myself. I do wonder if this would be a healthy relationship for me anyway if it continued. He was not able to communicate well, and was not receptive to ideas of treating and managing his PTSD. (At least I knew not to talk about this much, but I did mention that i'd read about some therapies that might be helpful, if he was ever interested. He said if it ever got worse, he would consider it.) I was unhappy and stressed out and depressed out a fair amount myself during the 10 months of the relationship (especially the last couple months), often feeling I had to tamp down my natural impulses, and spending a lot of energy trying to figure out was he was feeling and needing, knowing he needed me to be okay and not feeling free to express myself when i wasn't okay (or expressing myself and then being upset when he wouldn't really "hear" me), knowing I couldn't have what I wanted but trying to have it be enough, because I wanted him. It's not like we'd been together when he got this illness (in which case I would not question a continued commitment to him). Going into a relationship knowing what it would probably entail - well, maybe that's not the healthiest decision I could make for myself anyway.

I really relate to you 5th paragraph and hope I can learn to cope or get what I need, I'm too old to pussyfoot around any more.

 

[raulsgirl]

What are some examples of these boundaries you all have been speaking of?

I just recently read a good book, the suggestion was like this: say: " I feel (hurt, sad, rejected,etc) when you (say or do such and such) and next time( you do or say it,) this is what will happen (some consequence) and stick to your guns!

 

[raulsgirl]

I have really benefitted from ironangels posts. It has given me alot to think about.

I dont know if its the PTSD or his experiences in being raised the way he was , but I get almost no thanks or recognition, even though I give these to him. I feel like my pearls are cast before swine, for lack of a better phrase, I'm not sure if I should marry him, he say I'll be set for life if he dies, I have already married for love not money, I thought may be this time I would try the other way around.

I'm just not sure. I'm too old to settle for anything less than I want. I just heard myself, and I sound selfish. I do feel like he needs me but I dont fell like I'm getting my needs met. I'm not sure he would want to hear that because he might think he wasnt making me happy. He's never said he wanted to, but he's taught me so many life lessons, since I led a very sheltered life for 23 yrs. I appreciate that so much of him, I'm just not sure if I fear rejection of him if I tell him what I need.

I just heard myself again-he needs to hear that from me, but I'm still afraid of rejection! help- I'm stuck

 

[Red Feather]

As a sufferer I just wanted to say how much I really admire all the carers on this site. I think it is just amazing. I don't know what I would do if I met the man of my dreams and then found out he had PTSD. To be honest, I think I would RUN AS FAST I CAN...! It's a lot of work to deal with people like me...:oops:

When I read about how people who have PTSD are living a healthy relationship it gives me a lot of hope. :) So that's all I wanted to say.:D:D

 

[Cathy Fox]

In reply to Sairadance,

I am in this place right now. Only problem is my husband doesn't seem to see the importance of therapy. We just moved and he hasn't tried to get a referral which is required for the counseling to be covered by insurance. He was going to individual counseling and then marriage counseling before moving and it was helping to some extent. I know he is trying but I feel like I am always going to be the one giving up things in my life to help him and how long am I suppose to be miserable and unhappy and feel like I am being held back because he refuses to get help. I don't want to nag him or pressure him (he has said the nagging/pressure makes him withdraw more) but without counseling I don't know how much longer I can take all of it.