Relationship The Price Of PTSD On Relationships

[Cathy Fox]

Pastrychefarmywife,

One thing I have learned is sometimes bypassing our spouse actaully makes things harder on them. Of course this depends of the person. My husband hates that I go to everyone else when I am having a hard time or have a problem. However, when I try to go to him he doesn't seem to care or just sits there or says I don't know what to say. My feelings are why should I go to him when he doesn't respond? The bottom line though is it bothers him. Maybe it is the same with your husband. Can't hurt to try is the way I think of it. Obviously whatever else has been being done isn't working.

 

[Pebbles]

This post is wonderful! I am so glad I have found this site.

I do love and want my boyfriend in my life. I am trying to understand what I need to do and what he needs from me.

He just sent me a text that he wants and needs me in his life and that he cares so very much for me. I know he has been dealing with this for 3 or 4 years now, so I think he has really learned to cope.

I do not see the nightmares, but I know that he still deals with the overwhelming feelings and that he has to do this on his own.

I am so glad that I have learned so much in the last 2 days on this site. It has helped me understand what I need to do and that the break he needs is not from me, it is a break from everything so that he can cope with things. I just hope that I can be strong enough to endure this for the long run. I want to so badly.

This site is the beginning of my support.

Thank you all. Thank you all. HUGS!!!

 

[Nerilee]

I agree this site is really helpful.

I am so struggling to cope with my husband at the moment. It's like riding a roller coaster. One minute he's so open and caring and wanting to talk about everyday things. So I think it's OK to talk to him about money problems or another issue and he flies off the handle. He gaslights (an excellent phrase I learnt off here!) and yells and screams and refuses to resolve the conflict at a later date.

He's in treatment, but periodically abuses alcohol.

I asked him today if he feels I am making him feel useless when I discuss an issue and thus making him relive the trauma? I feel deep down its easier for him to blame me than accept he has PTSD and that contributes to the problem?

Discovering this forum was such an eye opener for me, there are so many couples all around the world in the same situation as ours which makes me feel 'normal' or I guess makes me feel like there's a reason why this is happening. But the powerlessness of wanting to be able to fix this when my husband is convinced its me and not PTSD is sending me around the twist.

Does anyone have any suggestions, tips of how I can talk to him about acknowledging Its PTSD and discussing how I can help him instead of us both self destructing??

Thanks in advance.

 

[RedBalloon]

I am so happy to have read through these pages & realize that I'm NOT alone. Wow. I am a "carer" who is often being pushed away by the man I love who suffers with PTSD. I have been treating him as if he didn't have PTSD, and realize that I have to make the changes here. I am here to learn how. I am here for support. I now realize that I can't expect things from him that he cannot give. I realize now that I need to let him isolate & breathe. This is truly an eye opener. Thank you all for sharing.

 

[BigBear]

I have been treating him as if he didn't have PTSD, and realize that I have to make the changes here. I am here to learn how.

You making changes is only part. Typically, we hear this and the sufferer isn't making an effort. That's not acceptable either. It's team work that works.

Bear

 

[inthistogether83]

But what is to come of a relationship that did not start out badly and only got to the point where the care giver feels neglected and ignored because later on after already falling in love her husband unfortunately was diagnosed with this terrible illness? How do you walk out on the man you love? or better yet, how do you stay and day after day be treated like crap by him? At what point are you supposed to know that he is not going to get to the place where he learns to manage his life with the PTSD?

It has been 2 1/2 years now that my husband has been treating me like garbage and almost two years since we realize why the change from the man I fell in love with to the man I m now married to and have a family with. So at what point am I allowed to break because I have been pushed to the point where I feel so unimportant to him and can not help but to feel as if the only purpose I serve to him is a doormat? Someone who he can take ll of his aggressions and anger out on. Please, anyone please, help me to understand and answer these questions because today has just been one of the saddest days of my life.

I am heartbroken over being treated so mean by him. I give my all to making him happy and he is just so mean to me.... and it may not even have to hurt so badly if he ever realized he was being this mean and apologized for it later but he doesn't. Hell, for all I know, maybe he does and just doesn't care that I m hurting so deeply.

 

[RedBalloon]

You making changes is only part. Typically, we hear this and the sufferer isn't making an effort. That's not acceptable either. It's team work that works.

Bear

I hear that loud and clear. Well, his first duty is to stay in therapy. He wasn't in therapy until I told him he needed to go. It was a big step. Secondly, we need to list out clear boundaries, expectations of this relationship and then stick with them. Fingers crossed.

 

[timetorecover]

I am a sufferer. I find that I am so sensitive to others around me that if there is a problem that arises that is unrelated to my present state of mind, I can almost switch off my pain. I am great in a crisis! I do not panic in an emergency and can offer some great advice to others suffering.

If i am honest there is a bit of temporary relief??

 

[amethist]

Inthistogether

Only you can decide when enough is enough, only you can decide when you can take no more. What ever you decide is not going to be wrong for you, it is what you believe you have to do.

That said if he is not making a real effort to get himself onto a better path of healing, then that would be the point I would walk away. Love alone cannot fix this, it needs real hard work form the sufferer.

It is now over 5 years since my husbands accident, 41/2 since the first symptoms began to show, and 31/3 years since his diagnosis. He has come along way and is still working on his own issues, not always getting it right and still needs a kick in the pants from time to time, but he is doing it.

To be honest if he were not where he is today in his healing, I very much doubt we would still be together. We had 4 solid years of marriage before his PTSD invaded our lives, and that is what I think has saved us from destruction.

It can be done , but it is hard and you do have to work together, but they have to work harder to get to a place you can both share your lives as you did before again. Something will change for the better, some things will never be the same, but you can have a life together if you both want it.

Amethist

 

[inthistogether83]

Thnk you Amethist for the words, they give me much comfort

 

[Iamsioux]

(Note: Not referring to children who have PTSD).

From reading the new posts in the Carer's section of late it seems there is a pattern. Girl in love with boy, boy has PTSD so isolates himself and inadvertently shuts out girl. Girl takes it personally and feels rejected. It seems PTSD takes a lot out of people's lives.

The posts here talk about supporting the PTSD suffer but what happens when the Carer goes through a speed hump in life and needs emotional support from their partner? Yes, we can turn to friends but that only goes so far. My view is a relationship, as in boyfriend & girlfriend, husband & wife, would involve reciprocal support. How do you balance this?

What happens when the PTSD suffer is having a low point but so is the carer? Sounds to me, from what is written here lately, that some carer's support the suffer but sometimes have to rationalise getting no support back, even if they need it.

What a dilema?!

I know this is an old thread, but this is one of the reasons I joined this site. I am the sufferer, but I am the female in love with my husband. Mine is childhood sexual and then violent, 18-year domestic abuse. I am now married to a man who is trying desperately to help me. Although suffering I was a highly functioning trauma survivor. I became ill 2 years ago and the PTSD just came sweeping in with no strong filter to keep it out. I am in therapy once a week and EMDR, working through a multitude of issues. But once triggered It is so physiological and powerful I dissociate and then it takes me several days to re-coop enough to move forward. During this time my husband takes it so personally, he wants to help, in doing so he continues the cycle of retreat, graying out and a ton of other issues. I can start feeling better and bam, gone again with a word.

My question is how can I possibly get him to understand it is not him. Please let me recover. I understand that I am hurting him, I am being illogical, mean, angry, unreasonable, I freeze, can't speak get violently ill. And everything inside of me knows I don't want this to happen. I don't want to be this ugly person I have become. I don't want to hurt my husband. I don't want to add to his stress. He has taken care of me (me passing out on the stairs, dissociating and running away, I was told a couple of years ago that I only had 3 months to live because I had such severe dementia, until they did brain tests and then determined after awhile I was suffering silently with PTSD and it was killing me inside) After starting to face things and deal with things and try to learn to manage it, it just seems now to be worse (I know it will be better, but for now it is pretty horrible). My husband has started showing signs of caregiver PTSD, and he is always hurt and confused, he gets physically ill now too when I get triggered because he can't do anything. Ihave encouraged him to reconnect with old friends, start into re-modeling the house etc and he has but he still wants his wife back.

How can I help him when I become debilitated. I am not acting out any behavior, I truly can't change what happens to me at the moment, in the long run yes, but the long run seems very far away.

 

[amethist]

Hi lamsioux

Welcome to the forum.

Why dont you show him the supporters area of the forum, there is a lot of useful information that will help him there. We can also answer any of his questions, so he can learn to support you in a way that will be better for both of you.

There are a few married couples on here and it does help them to keep going.