Relationship The Price Of PTSD On Relationships

[Iamsioux]

Thank you for your reply. I have printed information for him, I have offered for him to come to my therapists office with me, I suggested he see a counselor and I have asked him to view this site. He has done some great things, he tries to be careful in what he does and says, and then will constantly tell me what he has done in the past to help me, how he has altered his life for me, how he has put his life on hold for me, how he is trying to help me but I won't let him, and tells me how much he loves me. I then feel guilty.

My ex-husband put so much guilt on me, along with the physical abuse, one of my biggest triggers (just one of seems like thousands) is guilt. I will then simply submit and say whatever and do whatever needs to be said or done to get out of a situation. I will tell him he is a hero, he is my savior, Yes, whatever he says, yes, he is right and I am then trapped and can;'t move until dismissed. I am an intelligent, strong career oriented woman (I ran multi-million dollar companies) now I cower and drop my eyes and say yes, to whatever. I don't even know who I am anymore. I think he likes to be the "hero" and perhaps martyr, sarificing all..so to speak. But I don't need or want that. I feel almost like he is afraid that I AM trying to get back to being strong and learning to manage my PTSD.

I am taking a class at college (I was working on my PhD) (school is a huge, major trial, already wigged out once in class) I have been qualified for a service dog, which I won't get until next year, etc. I have been a recluse for 5 years, now I am venturing out into the world again. It does cause more stress and symptoms and bad days, but the therapists said this was part of the process and he accepted that.

Could he feel threatened that I won't need him anymore if I get better. Or is it genuine concern? Or is it inconvenient? But then why is he so physically effected when I trigger? Maybe he is just tired. Maybe I am too much. I try to take care of the house, finanaces, cooking but I know I am not much fun now. Sorry if this is a bit convaluted. I am trying so hard to heal, and I am trying so hard to do the right things, and I also don't want to be a burden, or charity case.

 

[Iamsioux]

If he saw or read any of this he would be devistated. He would walk around the house for days pouting, speaking in a whisper. He cries and begs me to love him back. I feel like I am hurting him horribly. My son's father (my ex) was abusive to my son as well. I put a gun to my husbands head one night to get the children away from him. My husband now has become my son's father. My son, who trusts very few calls him "his dad" and my son had my husband be his best man at his wedding. I need to figure out how to put this back together to help him so I don't keep hurting him. I read what other supporters go through and think I am doing that to him. what can I do??

Gun to my ex-husbands head, and my husband of 5 years is my son's best friend, clarify

 

[francy]

I will say that if one chooses to be a carer (and it is a choice), then it's so important to have your eyes open. I think a carer would have to have an excellent support network which could include counselling (as it does for me). Of course you would want support from your partner, I mean that's what a partnership is right? I am learning that when my partner shuts me out, I need to look inwards because I can only control what is going on within myself in this moment. I can choose to feel hurt and neglected (and it happens because I'm human), and or I can choose to remember that my partner is a wonderful supportive man when he is able, I just can't plan when that's going to happen...(wish I could)! "Through good times and in bad" so they say, I am learning to just take it one day at a time.....sometimes 1 hour at a time. The thing to remember for me, is that he has been there for me, and will be again.

I'm so glad to have found this forum. I'm seeing my situation in all these posts, and feel like someone can finally understand. I'm a strong person, and have been doing research for years, but have been nearing exhaustion, and realize the help I need is coming in the form of me helping myself. Thank you for sharing a little of your world. It's been a long, twisting road. War is a terrible thing and my darling is in the same body, but is a totally different person from his time in combat. I love him dearly and feel great compassion for all people with ptsd.

 

[honeybee4413]

War is a terrible thing and my darling is in the same body, but is a totally different person from his time in combat. I love him dearly and feel great compassion for all people with ptsd.

Francy, I was thinking exactly the same thing! Thank goodness for this site and all the people sharing their stories. It makes me feel like I'm not alone.

 

[ptsdpain]

I too am also feeling exhausted after 18 years, never knowing if or when he may explode. I don't know how to feel right now as he is in treatment. I am thankful to have found this forum& relate to the other stories. I found some old photos of my husband Pre-Bosnia. His light was on & now he looks so sad & lost.

 

[Bodacious]

I have PTSD and am needed help with my relationship. I feel my PTSD is taking a hard toll on my boyfriend of 11 months. I do love him very much but feel he does not love me even though he tells me he does all the time. He wont talk to me about his feeling and I feel I need that. I know I am insecure but how do I stop thinking he doesn't? I have doubts because he is never there emotionally for me but I am him. I wonder at times if maybe he has PTSD because he never talks about his feelings for me. Am I being selfish or missing something?

 

[Eleanor]

I know I am insecure but how do I stop thinking he doesn't? I have doubts because he is never there emotionally for me but I am him. I wonder at times if maybe he has PTSD because he never talks about his feelings for me. Am I being selfish or missing something?

I think these are very good questions to ask. I would also suggest that people who choose a partner who already has PTSD almost inevitably have "complimentary" issues they need to work out for themselves. And I think you'd get more responses to these questions if you started a new thread in the Sufferer's section under PTSD Relationships! That way the people most likely to be able to give you helpful answers will be most likely to see it.

 

[Bodacious]

Ok thank you.

 

[SAM A]

So everyone is telling me to set boundaries, but when do you set them? Some are saying to set them anytime, others say to wait until the sufferer is grounded. My sufferer isn't grounded but he's not lost either. I think its reasonable to set some boundaries to make it easier on both of us. I could also be feeling extra needy right now, too.

 

[Eleanor]

No time like the present, Sam. If you can deliver the message without any "tone" calm and caring, it will make it easier. You will likely have to go through with the consequence a few times before it sinks in you are serious. Do your best to stay calm. The only way out is through.

 

[hollyberrytea]

Good question...

It's highly dependent on the person, I believe. I'm a sufferer.. and I know my boyfriend might have down points. He usually tells me or I can just kind of tell on my own. Even if I feel like crap, I will drop whatever mood I'm in for him to help make him feel better. Reassure him of whatever he needs reassurance of, or tell him it's okay. Or just be there for him. And usually we can just cuddle up and watch a movie.

People with PTSD should understand a vast amount of pain or suffering. I know I do. Even if sometimes I feel like my boyfriend's issues are so silly, or I don't completely understand because I see pain/upsetness/suffering in a different light. I might ask him to explain things to me to help me understand where he is coming from. And usually it's not hard to understand him, and I offer advice or just arms to hold him with.

I'd like to think that both of our problems are equally as important, no matter what. It's nice to let go of my silly insecurities and help my boyfriend once and awhile and support him through his troubles.

And why can I drop everything? Because I love him. That's why. (:

I try very hard to ignore myself for awhile and support him when he needs it most. I may not be the best at it or showing it(and might even get angry at him for having simpler issues than I do and wonder why he's even upset about these things), but I really try to help him. If he feels really upset, then it should really matter. No matter what it is. And I've come to not get angry or wonder anymore about things he might get upset about. Mainly because I've learned more about him and understand him better and they are things that make up a part of him that I love, but I can still hate the things upset him. Haha. And I could always wish I could take away all his troubles, just like how he wishes he could get rid of mine. It's not possible, but we try our best to help each other. We can ease each other's issues and make them better for when they come up. Even if I'm the one hogging most of the attention for help and support. But he knows I'd help him no matter what (even if I suck at it).

4 years ago, I couldn't keep a decent relationship. I was too lost in my own issues to care about other people at all. I could not function well at all and I just did not want anything to do with anyone's issues. I wanted everyone to put a sock in it because I thought I had it worse and that people should stop whining about their silly issues that felt like nothing compared to mine. And then I grew up and learned more, and learned everyone has their own levels of suffering. No one's suffering is nothing. And I started to want to help people. Because suffering sucks and no one should feel horrible. ):

So like I said, it's dependent on the person. Some people may be too lost in their own issues to notice or help with their partner's. I've lived with my painful experience for a long time, so I have a longer time to help ease out of myself and better myself. I feel like people with PTSD that is more recently brought on probably have more issues with helping others they care about, because PTSD is a whole new thing to them. That's just a generalization that seems to make sense in my head. I still hold true to that it really depends on the person.