Relationship The Price Of PTSD On Relationships

[ashmarie]

Thank you for posting this tread!

I am very new to this forum, as well as being a carer of someone with PTSD, and have thought about this very subject a lot recently. The guy I have been dating for only a few months is really struggling with his PTSD right now and is completely unavailable to me and it is insanely frustrating because I am trying so hard to cater to his needs and be there for him, but I have had a lot going on lately, both good and bad, things I really want him to both celebrate with me or be my shoulder to lean on for but he just cannot be.

I am still fighting the human nature to feel rejected and ignored, but I know it's just this terrible disorder that is filling his mind. As awful as it is that you all are feeling this way too, it is helpful to me to know that this is a normal feeling for a carer of a PTSD sufferer. I always feel so bad and almost selfish to feel this way thinking, "yeah I'm hurting, but think of what he is going through, it's so much worse..." I don't really have a good outlet with which to talk about this stuff with because it was such a personal matter to him and hard for him to talk about that I don't want to betray his trust and talk to my friends about it so they don't understand why he isn't there for me when I need him so they just think he is a jerk and don't know why I put up with it.

 

[malibran]

Hello Ashmarie,
Yes I fully understand. The 'sufferer" is so swept up into his/her own issues that most of the time the behavior which (IN THE NORMAL WAY OF THINGS) we would all call self centered & selfishness in the absence of PTSD, just gets allowed as a consequence of this emotional illness.

I am starting to wonder how the suffers break themselves into 2 actual groups.
Those who take meds, see there is a lot wrong and find Therapy....and this other group who refuse to get help. This group has to hit bottem I think like a drunk and finally get the help.

I think it is ONLY WORTH IT TO GO THROUGH this HELL with someone getting help. After what I have been reading here, it is still tough enough with both sides on the same page.

If he is doing his share, and you can find a way to hang on, then do it---- but at some point if it becomes too painful for you, then you have to know when to back off and be REALLY alone. Because what we are all on about here, each carer, is how alone we are with them at times. Right?

I wish us all luck,

Malibran

 

[carys]

How to cope. You cope in multiple ways.

Third. Set boundaries. This is true in any relationship, of course. But I think it can be especially difficult to set effective boundaries with a person who is ill. For one thing, they will test the boundaries differently than a person who is free of PTSD, and that may challenge your boundary-setting skills - it did mine. Still does. But I've learned how to set better and more appropriate boundaries the more I have learned about PTSD. You have to look at the behaviors, how they affect you (and your relationship) and then how they need to be dealt with, and that will vary depending upon the issue and your circumstances.

What are some examples of these boundaries you all have been speaking of?

 

[Pam]

I do not allow my C to treat me rudely. In private or in public. He cannot call me names or treat me as a second class citizen. And of course I do not do those things to him. If this were to happen on a regular basis (and it would not take many episodes -two or three- for me to consider it to be regular), ptsd or not, I would leave him. He is also not allowed to take a threatening stance, to shove me, or to hit me, or to verbally threaten to do so. Once such threat or episode and I would be gone.

 

[malibran]

Making and setting Boundries

Hello All,
I have been sort of quiet for several months reading everything here and also reading a great book (found through a person on this site who talked about it) "Achilles in Vietnam". It has been helping so much. I have read it twice now.

If you read my first posting here it was about how my BF and sufferer refuses to admit me into his world. We have been together now a full year and still I have not been to his home , not met his family not one friend. He has been able to stay overnight 2 times. Once because I strongly requested he do so . A mistake and I never did that again. But this 2nd over nighter was his idea and more or less successful.

He has terrible nightmares, sleep and night time are awful for him and he manages life and being productive on such scant rest that I myself would be ill in no time were I so sleepless and had to work.

I have decided that I really can not go on like this. I am living camped outside his life and he can not tell me when, if ever, he will be less vigilant at least enough to let me into his life for real.
I have discovered that he is sure that if I were deeply in his life I would see what a mess he is and leave.

Of course without seeing him in his world, in his surroundings I can only know a part of him . This gives him a sense of control over our life together. A very interesting false conclusion from an otherwise brilliant mind. I see how PTSD warps their reality and shuts them down to what is real and what is false.

We are the dearest and most wonderful of friends. Our intimate life is great, we are very very happy and we speak 3 /4 times a day, we meet 3 times a week.

In this entire year there has never been one angry, nasty word between us. He is totally not what I read here by carers about their sufferer being cold and withdrawn and angry. He does withdraw a bit but has not done this since 10 months ago when I told him he just had to tell me he was withdrawing and not act it out. He had to give me notice. I would not talk him out of it , but he had to tell me he was "In his cups" as he puts it. Then the deal is I wait till he is OK and I do not force him out . He decideds

I have never never in my life had such a wonderful relationship with anyone. He also feels this way and I know it is true. I am sure all tbis sounds really loony to you all reading it. Because his actions of shutting me off this way would get any sane person sure there is a wife or live in girl friend etc in the picture.

Believe me it is is no such thing. He is unfortunately 100% terrified of a commitment. That is all and everything there is to it. He is sure he has only a few years to live. He just "got over" bone cancer last year from agent orange & he also has diabites. Time will tell if the cancer returns.

We recently had this talk and I told him I was unable to continue open endedly living on the outskirts of his life. I wanted to meet his sons and friends and be known by them and to know them. He just can not allow that. He doesn't really see why it should matter to me this much. Again I see this as a red flag of the PTSD and his not understanding such easy social intercourse as a block to his otherwise good sense.

In any event, with much heartbreak in thinking to stop our relationship, we decided that no break between us would happen yet. We would hold on a bit more and he wants me to see he is really trying. (Like he stayed over on his own volition once)
I feel like I am trapped in act 2 of 'La Boheme'. I can't say it makes me happy.:dontknow:

At first he suggested relationship therapy for us using someone who neither of us knew, (I was thrilled by this) & then he backed way way off. I have decided that I will not go on this way for another year. In fact not even another 3 months.:wall:

I have given me 90 days. I am taking steps to open my life to other men and to move on if I must. I am too old to wait for a person who just can not give what he wants to give. I am too old for this.

We decided we would always remain friends and that we are able to keep seeing each other only as friends. We can do this. It will not be our first choice, but he is so level headed in every way except this one thing.

I will write more tomorrow but would like any comments anyone has to offer. This is a strange illness. To put it mildly.

Thank you,
Malibran

 

[Pam]

I am the one who has mentioned the book. It is the best. I also recommend Molecules of Emotion by Candace Pert. I think you are on the right track. It seems to me that some folks are just not able to know what is best for improved self-management regarding relationships. They depend a lot on the carer to know that, like when to move on for mutual benefit.

 

[Nicolette]

I have discovered that he is sure that if I were deeply in his life I would see what a mess he is and leave.

I am sorry to sound cynical but this may not be the only reason he is not allowing you into his life.

I see how PTSD warps their reality and shuts them down to what is real and what is false.

My opinion on this is they decide what is their reality in order to cope versus real as in actual.

In this entire year there has never been one angry, nasty word between us. He is totally not what I read here by carers about their sufferer being cold and withdrawn and angry.

Again, sorry to be cynical but it is easier to have a good relationship without anger and nastiness if your lives are not totally entwined as he has he space to re-group and be alone which many PTSD Sufferers require. That being said, once Anthony's divorce and child access stress was removed, we have had a really good relationship unlike some I read about here.

Then the deal is I wait till he is OK and I do not force him out . He decideds

This is one reason why your relationship is good as it sounds as if you are respecting his need to isolate.

I am sure all tbis sounds really loony to you all reading it.

If you can accept a relationship on the terms offered there is nothing loony about it. Different or unconventional yes but not loony.

He just can not allow that. He doesn't really see why it should matter to me this much. Again I see this as a red flag of the PTSD and his not understanding such easy social intercourse as a block to his otherwise good sense.

If I were you I would find this very concerning. PTSD is not an excuse for this type of behaviour. My gut reaction would be he is either hiding something or has some reason (other than PTSD) why he doesn't want others to know of you. Within days of meeting me Anthony told his family about me including his ex wife so I don't think you can pull the PTSD card on this one but it could be true. Sounds off to me though.

I can't say it makes me happy.:dontknow:

I wonder where you put yourself in all of this Malibran? If you are unhappy but say it is a wonderful relationship I then question which of the two are correct? If it were a wonderful relationship why would you agree to friends as it would only be exposing yourself to hurt while hanging by a date as he is saying he can't have the type of relationship you want? :think:

I will write more tomorrow but would like any comments anyone has to offer. This is a strange illness. To put it mildly.

Malibran, I find a lot of Carers are not comfortable with my directness however you have asked for comments so I have given mine.

The last thing I would like to say to you is be careful of how much you label as PTSD and use as a reasoning tool as, from what I know, those Sufferers who want to be in a relationship don't tend to hide the person they care for. They may require time apart but I get the impression you are a secret. I hope I am wrong.

 

[CCurry]

If I were you I would find this very concerning. PTSD is not an excuse for this type of behaviour. My gut reaction would be he is either hiding something or has some reason (other than PTSD) why he doesn't want others to know of you. Within days of meeting me Anthony told his family about me including his ex wife so I don't think you can pull the PTSD card on this one but it could be true. Sounds off to me though.

I have to agree with what Nicolette has said, this all sounds way to concerning. I too have to wonder if he's hiding something else. PTSD is not an excuse for him not to introduce you to his family or friends. I would not be wasting anymore time here. Like Nicolette, I also met my bf's parents right away and he was very proud to introduce me to his world. I really think you're putting way to much emphasis on his PTSD!

You will be wasting your time giving him another 90 days, please open your eyes, this is not so much a PTSD issue.

 

[cynelena]

Malibran,

I was wondering where you were! Good to hear from you, but not good to hear that not much has changed for you in the way of your relationship. I would have to agree with many of the others here. There is just too much that he is excluding you from that is part of a relationship...PTSD or not.

I get some of his choices because I have experienced the same with my BF. Until 2 weeks ago, I had NEVER met one single friend of his, but there was a reason behind it that he never hid from me. They were BAD influences and he was trying to break free from those things (bars, drinking, partying, etc). Additionally, many of them live out of state (he was in the service with many of them). I can assure you he has talked on the phone with them in front of me and has even "introduced" me over the phone and let me speak with several of them though. My point is that there is a genuine reason for why I was not meeting his friends. What is that reason he gives you for not meeting his? Also, what is the reason for not letting you meet his family? You may have shared this in the past, but I do not recall what it was.

You have come a long way since you first started posting here. I'm glad that you can see that this may not be the right relationship for you. I'm not saying that you should get out of your relationship, because only YOU can decide if that's what is right for you, BUT you deserve some real answers and none of them should take 90 more days for you to get.

I wish you the very best Malibran. Hang in there!

Cynthia

 

[Tinyflame]

As I recall, my greatest initial 'progress' in managing in a healthy way the symptoms of ptsd came with a change in heart, a change in attitude, a change in priorities, a decrease in unhealthy coping skills (drinking, gambling, 'partying'), a return to a belief/ trust in God, and an all-out attempt to pull my life together. But it took about 3 1/2 years of attrocious behaviour, anger, 2 suicide attempts, self harming, and hitting a personal 'bottom' before I began to do so.

I remember that it was distinctly accompanied by a decrease in anger, shame for my past behaviours and especially an increased awareness of the worry/ hurt/ harm I was causing others. And a desire to not live that way anymore. And a whole lot of brutal honesty.

So in that way, although the symptoms/ triggers may be greatly out of our control, assuming responsibilty for my reactions to them (including not lying- of which I was lying much to cover up what I was doing) is, when we are ready, within our control.

 

[malibran]

Many many thanks Nicolette,

No you are not wrong, I am a secret from everyone. I am taking in everything you have said and thank you for the directness. This attitude of his is all very strange to me. Some days I feel really deep in over my head with him and this situation. Then other days I feel I have the patience of Job & that we'll make it.

I have given me another 10 weeks to see what to do. I did not tell him this. December is a very bad month for him lots of terrible anniversaries for him so I won't leave till February if I do leave. Meanwhile I am taking stock.

I suppose I am odd but I can wait and watch then think about something and i know to the outside it looks like nothing is going to change for me. Then like lightning I make a change and everyone gets surprised. But its been going on for a long time. This relationship is now a year old.
I will let you all know what happens but for sure I am not hanging about for another year like this, not even close.

The hard part is that he is so wonderful...at least the person I see is that way. But as I say he is not allowing me into his world.

Thanks very much and I appreciate the help.
Malibran

 

[malibran]

Hi Pam,
Yes the Candice Pert book is terrific. Now I am reading another very good one to share with you;
War and the Soul
by Dr Edward Tick PhD

Thanks
Malibran