Relationship The Price Of PTSD On Relationships

[malibran]

Thanks for this

 

[brokenpartner]

As a newbie, I have decided to work my way through the posts starting at the begining and this one really "Hits the nail on the head".
This is the one single dilemma that seems to have the greatest impact on my ability to cope with the nightmare that is caring for, and living with someone suffering from PTSD.

I have not yet read many replies to this or any other threads as yet, but I am looking forward to see what others have to say about how they deal with the lack of support. I am so desperate for anything that will help me to cope with the utter devestation and lonliness that I feel every time I instinctively reach out then remember that there is nothing there for me.

I wonder, does everyone have the same difficulties that I do with trying to explain this concept of complete lack of mutual support to people who are not familiar with PTSD or am I just not communicating effectively???

 

[amethist]

Hi brokenpartner

It is not you at all, just that for anyone not involved with ptsd the cannot "Get It" as we say. It is so difficult to try and explain to others what all this entails, I gave up months ago. It even gets bad when you have to educate the so called experts about it all too.

The lack of support seems to be a global issue with ptsd, so all we as carers can do is hope what we learn and pass on helps someone somewhere. This forum is a good source of advice and support, so keep reading and asking questions, it does help a lot.

Amethist

 

[Berger90]

I have a quick question, when your sufferer goes into the unavailable time or phase whichever is more correct. Did/do you ever feel like it's your fault? That's what is giving me the most trouble and I fear is stressing my girlfriend out even more. I know logically it's how she is, I can't change it I can just support her and try my damnest to make her feel better; but it's hard not to take it personally. If you did have problems with this how did you overcome them?

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Berger90.

It is not uncommon for a Carer feeling some responsibility when a Sufferer goes into isolation. I am sure some have beaten themselves mentally trying to firgure out what caused the isolation & what they could have done to change it.

This part of the illness can be very hurtful to a Carer especially if the Sufferer only withdraws from them but still has reasonably 'normal contact' with others who are not as close to them. This makes it even harder for the Carer to not feel guilt thinking "I must have done something wrong".

How do you deal with this - respect the Sufferer's need to withdraw, keep yourself busy & try not to take it personally. It's not easy & emotionally painful at times.

As the Sufferer heals the isolation may lessen but it is part of the illness which you need to work out how to cope with I'm your own way.

A final note - this withdrawal process can happen in normal relationships when things change. I have seen a few Carers fixated on blaming the PTSD when it had nothing to do with it. You have to have your eyes open as it is not easy to deal with or know the difference immediately either.

Good luck - it can be a hurtful but also rewarding journey. What you can cope with & think is reasonable is up to you.

 

[goingonhope]

As close as the spousal relationship is, in the case of PTSD, developing a large and solid support network is crucial. Family, friends, one's church, therapists, support groups, doctors and so on can all be part of that support network.

You simply cannot always rely upon the PTSD sufferer; that is unfortunately part of PTSD, that they will need breaks, especially from the stress and problems of others. They cannot always be emotionally available.

Excellent points Kathy!

Thinking of you'all right now, wishing you'all my best, as well as, appreciating reading here this valuable plan for continuous actions.

 

[AdamAnt]

Thanks for this thread! I'm having a bit of a rough time myself and now have a better perspective on why my girl does some of the things she does. We've been together about 8 months, and when our discussion turns to moving-in together she's adamant that she continue with her therapy in order to be "more complete" for us first. Much is still hidden from her and she knows there are rougher days ahead before things get better. I now see her protectiveness of me and our relationship in her decisions.

 

[Iron_Angel]

I'm just catching up with this thread as I read through all of the wonderful material in this forum. It is all very helpful. I am in this situation right now, with my Sufferer withdrawn and quiet, and me wondering what I'm getting out of this relationship.

The answer to that is when he's feeling more like himself, he's a wonderful man who blesses my life. I told him once that he's lucky to have found me because I don't do "easy" -- life prepared me to handle the tough stuff, and I'm good at it.

When all is said and done, however, there's no support or care for me. It all goes out, but very little comes back in. I do need a support network as many of you have mentioned. I had one once, but it got to be too stressful for me!

My general philosophy is that if you're not going to help me, get the heck out of the way because I don't need anything holding me back. So at times I wonder why I'm even trying to have a relationship with this man when there are so many limitations. Bottom line, however, is that at my age (late 50s) the choices are few and far between. Plus, and this is probably the most important thing, this guy is a perfect mental match for me. (You could say we're both perfectly mental, and that wouldn't be far wrong!) We like the same things, get irritated by the same things, personality-wise he's like my clone and we fit together really well. On the good days.

On the bad days, I still admire him for his courage and that he's been able to keep his sanity through all his trauma. But I sure miss him when he's just not there for me. It's like the universe's cruel joke: here you've waited all this time for someone to love you but guess what...there's a slight catch...

That's when I start thinking life is very unfair indeed. When I get on my pity pot, and feel sorry for myself, I don't blame my Sufferer, I just think it's a heavy price the universe is making me pay to have this sweet man in my life. And then I start wondering would I be better off alone, as I was for many years, because I'm really just getting tired of it all.

Well, what's worth the price is worth the fight as they say. Too much thinking can be a bad thing. I should just go with the flow and enjoy the good. Easy to say; hard to do.

 

[Nicolette]

On the bad days, I still admire him for his courage and that he's been able to keep his sanity through all his trauma. But I sure miss him when he's just not there for me. It's like the universe's cruel joke: here you've waited all this time for someone to love you but guess what...there's a slight catch... :(

Ain't that the cruel truth! Its not fair how we all suffer from this illness to some extent!

 

[Iron_Angel]

Agreed Nicolette! The other thing I should add is something that occurs to me on the good days or when I'm feeling more toward the top of my game, and that is that maybe the universe prepared me specifically, giving me just the skills and understanding needed to fit with this great guy who otherwise would be lost and alone.

And in return for the very worthy work of loving and supporting him, I get to have him love me back, even though he's not saying so on a daily basis. Maybe I had to wait so long for him to show up because it took that long for me to be ready and "earn it".

Instead of it being a negative as in "ugh, this is all you get", no, it's a positive -- we the universe picked YOU for him because you are precisely the person with the heart big enough and the well of patience deep enough to entrust this very special man to.

It's not a burden for me to bear, but a gift that matches my unique experience and understanding -- something "normal" people don't qualify for, because they simply cannot relate.

Thinking of it all in that way gives me the gumption to keep going, because he is SO worth it!! And come to think of it, so am I.

 

[Tinyflame]

IronAngel, how kind and understanding you are.

 

[ldr helper]

I am so glad I have found this site! I have been in a long distance relationship with a sufferer for 5 months now. He didn't tell me about to start with, but now that he is feeling the effects of the PTSD he fessed up. I don't think at first I realized how serious it was. It effects him with emotional numbness. And being that he is 7000 miles away I have spent the last month being the needy one. I have realized this now after he called it quits 2 nights ago. I am capable of putting my emotional needs on hold and getting support else where so I can be there for him while he struggles through this time. But now I don't know how to tell him this. He called it quits because he said it wasn't fair to me that he couldn't give the relationship I deserve. All I want is to be with him! I know he loved me before he starting feeling like this again, and I am willing to wait for them to come back. How do I explain all this to him without adding more stress?

THANKS SO MUCH FOR ANY ADVICE!