desiderata310
VIP Member
I actually felt like today was a decent session.
We talked about what he meant by the comment about my compartmentalization. Seems that yes, indeed, people do compartmentalize but I take it to an extreme. He meant it as a compliment which felt weird. He said that he didn't think that I understood that what I've been through isn't normal. And I mean… It is normal … and it isn't … I mean, people have been through a lot worse. It's hard to sort out. It was just the way life was during so it seemed like what normal was. Part of me understand how messed up that is.
*sigh*
We also talked about how I actually felt about missing a session this week. I hated admitting it but it DID bother me. He said he was "tickled" by this.
Say what?
He said that this meant that it was working and that it was actually supporting me. Even though this was something that bothers me: that I am dependent on someone else, it was a good thing.
huh. I am … confused by that.
I did tell him that I was writing but not where I had the writing.
Then we talked a bit about the EMDR- I wanted to understand WHY it had had such a sucky effect on me. He talked around the subject for a bit then he said something that got to me.
He said that he thought it was obvious that I was not ready to do EMDR. I started to protest but I realized even as I was sitting there that the idea of the of actually DOING at that moment was making me break into a cold sweat. He went on to talk about the fact that I was not actually at a stable place. With the move, the fact that I don't have any friends and no support system that this would be a bad time to start something like this. Said that part of the reason it was so difficult was because it was because I wasn't ready. He went on to say that some people are never ready and not interested in healing. I started crying. The fact is, I'm scared. Not scared of getting better, I'm ready for that though there is an element of what that might be like and the fear of what I will be when I am not … "sick" and whether I will be a worse person or not. I am terrified of the process. As my therapst pointed out, it means giving up control. Control is something that is something I value dearly. He pointed out that in order to do this, I would likely have to give up some control. He acknowledged that this is something that was likely very difficult for me since there was a possibility of not getting it back. He's right, of course. It's that, it's reliving everything. It's lots of things.
We talked about what he meant by the comment about my compartmentalization. Seems that yes, indeed, people do compartmentalize but I take it to an extreme. He meant it as a compliment which felt weird. He said that he didn't think that I understood that what I've been through isn't normal. And I mean… It is normal … and it isn't … I mean, people have been through a lot worse. It's hard to sort out. It was just the way life was during so it seemed like what normal was. Part of me understand how messed up that is.
*sigh*
We also talked about how I actually felt about missing a session this week. I hated admitting it but it DID bother me. He said he was "tickled" by this.
Say what?
He said that this meant that it was working and that it was actually supporting me. Even though this was something that bothers me: that I am dependent on someone else, it was a good thing.
huh. I am … confused by that.
I did tell him that I was writing but not where I had the writing.
Then we talked a bit about the EMDR- I wanted to understand WHY it had had such a sucky effect on me. He talked around the subject for a bit then he said something that got to me.
He said that he thought it was obvious that I was not ready to do EMDR. I started to protest but I realized even as I was sitting there that the idea of the of actually DOING at that moment was making me break into a cold sweat. He went on to talk about the fact that I was not actually at a stable place. With the move, the fact that I don't have any friends and no support system that this would be a bad time to start something like this. Said that part of the reason it was so difficult was because it was because I wasn't ready. He went on to say that some people are never ready and not interested in healing. I started crying. The fact is, I'm scared. Not scared of getting better, I'm ready for that though there is an element of what that might be like and the fear of what I will be when I am not … "sick" and whether I will be a worse person or not. I am terrified of the process. As my therapst pointed out, it means giving up control. Control is something that is something I value dearly. He pointed out that in order to do this, I would likely have to give up some control. He acknowledged that this is something that was likely very difficult for me since there was a possibility of not getting it back. He's right, of course. It's that, it's reliving everything. It's lots of things.
