The resolution of my trauma

[Mach123]

My trauma is being resolved. I can not escape this and it's growing on me and of course, I'm scared half to death.

There are things to do I'm not "better".

But I'm a lot better than I was. It has been very much a then and now thing for me.
Then I didn't know that stuff and those memories meant CSA, I didn't know that behaviour and those feelings meant cPTSD and trauma.

But for quite a little while now I do know and I have and I've been working it out meaning processing it in therapy, in bed, at home, in my head and with the people I have to deal with. as limited as that is.

What're you going to do if you get better. (What am I going to do ?). What if I am better? How much better is better? If it never got any better than this we'll, it's not bad. I mean, I'm not suicidally depressed for one thing. Just that this is on my mind points to my symptoms having abated to where I'm thinking about it?

 

[HealingInProcess]

My trauma is being resolved. I can not escape this and it's growing on me and of course, I'm scared half to death.

There are things to do I'm not "better".

But I'm a lot better than I was. It has been very much a then and now thing for me.
Then I didn't know that stuff and those memories meant CSA, I didn't know that behaviour and those feelings meant cPTSD and trauma.

But for quite a little while now I do know and I have and I've been working it out meaning processing it in therapy, in bed, at home, in my head and with the people I have to deal with. as limited as that is.

What're you going to do if you get better. (What am I going to do ?). What if I am better? How much better is better? If it never got any better than this we'll, it's not bad. I mean, I'm not suicidally depressed for one thing. Just that this is on my mind points to my symptoms having abated to where I'm thinking about it?

I'm glad to and excited to hear this Mach. Yes I don't know the answer to your questions but I hope to get where you are at some point.

 

[Missycat]

@Mach123 , your post totally resonates with me. I hadnt realised how unwell i was until i was diagnosed with cptsd and started therapy and then everything started to make sense ie id always had nightmares, flashbacks freaked me out, intrusive thoughts and ocd were just the norm for me, dissociation scared me ..... that was my life and i was used to it. When i started to get better it felt scary at first - as though i didnt know how to feel / act - yea i still had some of the symptoms but they were manageable and i was no longer trying to fight or ignore them - functioning became alot easier. I felt so well after my first couple of years of therapy that a while after it ended i made a big decision to start criminal proceedings ...... then bang ! The can of worms opened again and some of my symptoms returned ... i went back in to therapy and altho i felt dissapointed i still realised that i was still ‘ better’ than i ever was..i said to my t once that i started to feel like i was on the outside looking in and seeing everything more holistically rather than on the inside looking out .... that was one of the signs to us both that i was ‘better’.
Sorry if ive gone on a bit ... i suppose what im saying is that being better is a new way to feel ... the ‘illness’ doesnt define us and yea somtimes some symptoms may still happen but that doesnt have to be a major set back in to being unwell again.
I wish you all the best in your ‘ being better journey’ .

 

[Mach123]

It's really weird because I don't want to be sick necessarily but I'm not sure how much better I am or want to be. IDK how to experience or "explain" my sexuality without some kind of excuse? Understanding that is probably the biggest part and the largest obstacle to what is call real functionality because of the fawning which I see as part of it. I don't love that word but I've come to rely on it because it almost perfectly describes what happens and honestly, what I want to happen. That's only partially correct it's that it happens when I don't want it to that bothers me.
Anyway that's what I have to work on on therapy I guess. I Tex her last week I saw my abuser in I a store (one of them) she didn't reply. That would have wrecked me a couple years ago. I hardly even thought about it. I'm curious what she's going to say. That's all.