The Smallest Tone...

[ATenderHeart]

Hello all. I am new to this site and new to a significant other who suffers from PTSD and want to know more.. I apologize ahead of time if I'm not allowed to post brand new threads after recently joining (like other threads I'm apart of - more for vehicles though). The reason I brought this thread to the relationship section is because I want to be able to be the man that my girlfriend can lean upon and feel secure and know that every decision that I make is for bettering the both of us and is helping and not hindering her PTSD.

I'm confused as to my tone - hence the title. She keeps telling me that I have a condescending tone when trying to explain myself and she doesn't understand or hasn't given me all of the information to properly make a wise decision. Yes, I understand that I should ask questions and find out more, but there are times where I feel she assumes that I'm suppose to know - so I don't bother asking... Fail. There are other times where I check me tone when talking and am so careful how I say something, and then out of thin air those words, "...stop taking a tone with me..." It's aggravating and I'm struggling to find how, why, what works and what doesn't.

Any information provided is greatly appreciated and I hope to become more acquainted with PTSD and this community here.

Thank you!
Nate

 

[-Lark-]

I can't speak for your girlfriend, but I do know that with me if a man raises his voice I immediately go on the defensive. When my husband and I argue, it usually ends with me in tears. This is not his fault, and he works hard not to speak harshly to me, or raise his voice because he understands that it can scare me.
I would just be as patient as you can with your girlfriend. She may have something similar to my reaction, and your tone, whether you mean it to sound harsh or not might be setting off a trigger or fear inside of her.
If you want to speak with her about what she is feeling and thinking ask her if she would share anything with you so you can help her better, and be able to comfort her in a way that is safe.
If you find yourself upset, maybe tell her you need a moment alone. My husband will do this when he thinks he might yell. He takes a moment and tells me he needs to go into the other room for a bit, and then when he comes back we can talk. This has worked for us on more than once occasion.
Sorry I'm not sure of your full situation or context and so I am not sure I am helping much, but reaching out here is a great step. It shows you really care about her. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[ATenderHeart]

I can't speak for your girlfriend, but I do know that with me if a man raises his voice I immediately go...

Real quick question, when he says he needs to go to the other room, do you feel he's being stand-offish? If that makes sense? I guess I don't want it to seem like I don't care and am just leaving because I'm upset.

 

[Fadeaway]

Welcome. Making threads when you first join is absolutely welcome. You can also post and introduction thread here Introductions if you feel inclined. I belong to other forums that prefer you add to an existing topic but it is not like that here. Although making multiple topics about the same topic in multiple forums might result in your threads being merged into one.

As a PTSD sufferer myself, I can tell you that communication with PTSD can be very difficult. Sometimes we just aren't able to give all of the appropriate information. We know what we want to say, but the words just aren't there. That is a result of blood flow being taking from our communication centers and pumped into the parts of the brain that control things that are more necessary for survival such as hearing and sight.

That makes us hyper sensitive to sounds. You may not notice all of the minor inflections in your voice but we do. However, if you aren't taking a insensitive tone with her, there isn't really much you can do beside using a calm quiet soothing voice if she is having a panic attack.

I know that when I can't properly express myself I do get frustrated and feel like my husband should just know what I am thinking. That is on me and once I am out of that head space I realize it, but when I am in that head space, it doesn't seem to click that my husband might not actually recall a conversation 3 months ago where I hinted at something.

One thing you need to know is that you can't fix it. You can't try to control what is happening to her. You also need to let go of feeling like you need to make her feel like she can depend on you. PTSD means that no matter what you do there are going to be times we just don't feel like we can afford to trust anyone, even if their actions have proven otherwise.

I know you want to make the best decisions possible but for her sense of security, unless she asks for your help in making personal decisions that don't impact the relationship, you need to let her make those decisions for her self. For example. If you have joint finances then budgeting or making large purchases should absolutely be a joint decision. However, if it has to do with something like cutting out a toxic friend that is bringing her down, you need to let her decide when to do that. Hope that makes sense.

Welcome to the site.

 

[Fadeaway]

Real quick question, when he says he needs to go to the other room, do you feel he's being stand-offish? If that makes sense? I guess I don't want it to seem like I don't care and am just leaving because I'm upset.

Time outs are a wonderful thing. Very simply explain to her that you need a time out to gather your thoughts and and center yourself so that you are able to remain calm and focused.

 

[Deadman]

@tender_heart I think you've hit on something that is has more to do with the difference between men and women than it does to do with PTSD. When most women share they don't want solutions. They just want sympathy and support. As men we want to fix things. We want solutions. Hell, we have solutions. And that sounds condescending to our SOs. Chances are they have solutions too.

Women also tend to think that if we love them we should know whats wrong. Here is the truth for all the ladies out there. We love you and we really have no idea whats wrong. Its not a matter of love. We just don't think the same way.

 

[Deadman]

Make that acknowledgement and support.

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi Nate. I think your reasons for joining here are very admirable.

Your girlfriend is probably going to need to learn to control/manage her reactions to stuff. If you're not being condescending but merely genuine, it's not your fault that she's misinterpreting you.

 

[ATenderHeart]

Thank you for all of the feedback, I really do appreciate it. For a split second here (before finding out about and trying to figure this relationship out) I thought that I was alone. But alas! I am not!

There is hope.

 

[-Lark-]

Real quick question, when he says he needs to go to the other room, do you feel he's being stand-offish? If that makes sense? I guess I don't want it to seem like I don't care and am just leaving because I'm upset.

For me, if he explains it calmly and kindly it helps. That is hard to do sometimes in the heat of an argument. My husband had to practice and has gotten good at telling me kindly. "I just need a few minutes alone, I'm going into the other room and then I'll come back and we can talk okay?" and if he approaches it in that way I am completely fine with it. We are able to move forward and talk calmly with each other about the issue. I know how hard it can be to get to that place. It took us awhile before we were both able to mutually agree on what could work in these situations. There are always times when we forget to do it and both end up screaming at each other, but everyone is learning in life. Don't beat yourself up if you slip or if it takes awhile to find what works for you and your girlfriend. I'm glad you are so willing to try what it takes. Best of luck!

 

[ATenderHeart]

For me, if he explains it calmly and kindly it helps. That is hard to do sometimes in the heat of an arg...

Thank you for the response! I see where working on getting to that point will help a great deal! I want to be able to make her feel comfortable and secure even when we are talking and I think that by expressing that I need a quick break so I can calm down and collect my thoughts would help me a great deal.

 

[Deleted member 42121]

Hi ATH!

Thanks for posting!

I have this exact problem with my boyfriend. You e hit a lot of key words we have had in our own conversations! When you say you don't have all the information... I wonder if you happen to be an analytical person?

In my situation my man is NOT raising his voice to me but, when I don't understand what he is saying he slows down his rate of speech, enunciates his words, asks direct questions, gets very focused... does this sound familiar to what you are doing?