The Urge To Kill Myself Is Real Every Day / But I Don't Want To Talk About It

[xena21]

Just thinking about it is more traumatic than I can concentrate on for any period of time

I don't know about you but the hospital is the last place I'd be referred to by anyone. I escaped my last 2 hospital stays. My stays were at a state hospital system that tied you down. I hope they didn't do that to you. Anyway. I understand why its the LAST place you will go, and I will NOT recommend it.

I feel for you. I know you are in despair. It sucks big time. I can only offer my support and say that you are worthy to stay with us. I don't know who your therapist is, but I hope they know that the hospital is no place for you. I have tried to make that clear to mine. Just keep letting them know, and try to tell them your story. It sucks but supposedly my therapist says it gets better some day. I don't know if I should believe her, but she hasn't done me wrong like so many others. Please take care of yourself!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

@new gamma rays

I, too, experience suicidal ideation. I have been like this for years. Twice I have taken myself to the emergency room. I refused to be admitted. No one is putting me behind a locked door. The second time, they referred me to an intensive out patient treatment program. I found that to be very helpful.

Since that time I have a new Therapist who specializes in trauma. He talks to me about my safety plan if I am severely depressed. But the best thing that he does is help me identify the triggering cognition that flung me to the edge to begin with. Once I have figured that out, we have various strategies for processing the trigger.

Triggers can be intrusive memories, having my feelings hurt, worry about housing, flashbacks, shame et. al. He understands my morbid fear of being locked up somewhere and has always been so splendid at helping me get my mind and body working together again.

I'm sorry that you are in distress. Yes it is very difficult to trust that talking about what you're feeling and thinking won't make matters worse. It took me a very long time to open up. And to trust.

I hope you have a therapist you are comfortable with. May I ask, do you live with your parents? Can you put some distance between you and them while you quiet the rage? This is a nice place to be-this site I mean.

 

[new gamma rays]

Yes I live with my parents, and I can't really get much distance from them at all when I'm in a rage - or at other times, because I don't have my drivers license active right now. It all goes back to when I was first in the state's involuntary mental health system, and was looking pretty screwed by the whole system there. My mom filed for legal guardianship when I was in way too over my head to really know what was going on.

But part of that whole deal is they take away your license if someone is your guardian . . . #$@!. I didn't know this at the time, and it proved moot for a period of time after. But I could get the guardianship dropped, I am just scared of dealing with that system again, and don't feel right just pushing to get it overturned just so I can have a license - when I am still in a pretty unstable state of mind.. But I know its what I need pretty soon. Being honest and open with my parents is the dealbreaker though. Its hard for me to sit down in the same room with them, and open up. I could just say I want my license back, but without telling them more about what's going on in my life it makes me feel a lot more anxious, and too guilty to move forward.

 

[TeaLeaf]

And my mom, the one who was guilty of every one of the provocations when I was sick and needed help, just flits about her life untroubled by any of it. She got away with all of it, faces no repercussions (except anxiety when I get mad) and in this whole process my dad betrayed me too.

I understand, my mom seems to be untroubled by what she as done to me, has not apologized in a sincere way and lacks any sort of empathy. It must be very difficult to live in the same house as your parents. I wonder how much living with your parents is triggering your suicidal thoughts, I would think it would be very triggering to live with someone that has hurt your so much and you have to see every day. It sounds like moving out may not be an option right now, is there a way for you to spend less time around them?

 

[new gamma rays]

Well they are here and there for most of the day, so I don't spend much time with them to begin with. My dad is studying to start an insurance job in the next couple of weeks, after being unemployed for a year, and my mom finds an excuse to run a lot of errands and meet up with friends. So if anything I don't spend enough time with them, and they don't really know what kind of rut I'm in, or seem to think it might be part of their responsibility to help. Two years of my life was caught up in all of this, and my dad's response is just Cope. Get Over It. and my mom doesn't really want to engage me at all. I kind of wish they would take some role, even if it means dealing with old wounds.

 

[Pakadlangitok]

I don't tell anyone either. I have a therapist and I did tell her on occasion, but it has peaked lately and I don't tell her anymore or anyone else. I told my mom! And I told her the truth.

It is so much pain to carry it around!! This confuses me, too. When I was first abused i did tell people and it made them think I was crazy. Then, another friend had that trope "If you were gonna do it, you would have already done it!" And an inlaw (not here anymore) had the idea: "Just shut up and do it!!!" When I told her she rolled her eyes like, "OH THIS again?!!"

To have endured all those sentiments at a fragile time scared me a lot. I will be really suidical in the morning and then be out to a study group and all smiles! When 5 hours earlier I was in my closet alone, aching, with instruments of death and a voice saying, "Stop listening to those people who tell you things willl get better!!"

I am GLAD I AM HERE and keep kicking those voices to the curb, but oh how I wish I could stagger out and say "No it was NOT a good day. I struggled with ending my life and I am NOT seeking attention and it is NOT the case that I would have already done it and it is NOT ok to think I should shut up and do it. I WANT TO BE HERE I just do not know how to be here!!!"

But here I am and I am glad AND I am glad that you are still here, too. We can make it!!!!

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Death, or admitting that I revel in the thought of it frequently, doesn't frighten me. Suicidal thoughts are like standing at the edge of a deep, murky pond. If you are going to learn coping skills for dealing with the intrusive thoughts of self-harm, you must wade through the muck and reach the other side. Meaning, you have to face and accept the fact that you simply want to die, because of your emotional pain. We all want the pain to end. If you are going to live on this earth, you have to seek competent professional and/or spiritual help from other people.