General The Worst Day I've Had Dealing with a Sufferer

[blue_eyed_angel]

Ok.. so I just need to vent and get this off my chest!!!!! So today me, my bf and his family went to the zoo. No big deal.. But my bf is a sufferer and he can't handle the crowds. He goes because his sister lays a guilt trip on him. She should realize that he gets a bad case of anxiety when in large crowds. So we went and were there for like 3hrs and my bf decided to go back to the truck and wait on the rest of us to get done. All day long he had been griping and complaining. So I stayed in the zoo with his family. About an hour before we left we decided to go on the train around the park. I lose my cell phone and can't find it anywhere!!! :mad: I had the staff looking for it and no one had turned one in. He said not to worry about it. It's just a phone. What he fails to understand is the fact that I am not worried about the phone!!! I am worried about my pictures that I had on there. The one's I had taken I am not so much worried about. But I had some on there that he had sent me and that meant a lot to me that he had shared these pics with me and trusted me with them (no dirty ones just to claify!). We were getting ready to leave the zoo and he said something about my phone. I kinda got snippy and said well not everyone had $200.00 just laying around to go out and buy a new phone! He didn't hear me & said what. So I repeated what I said. Then I said never mind no big deal. Yes I realize I shouldn't have snipped at him, but I was just upset over my phone! Then when we were on our way home he said something. I didn't hear him so I looked at him and said "huh??" He looked at me and said kinda hateful "I wasn't talking to you". I said Ok.. Don't know where that came from but it hurt my feelings. We didn't talk all the way home. When he went to drop me off at my house I said so are you gonna call me later? He said well you don't have a phone. I said I know that but you can call my house number. He said well I don't know what it is. You just call me when you feel like you can talk. I said what do you mean when I can talk?? He said well when you get over your attitude and I get over mine and you feel like you can talk you can call me. Because if you call me as soon as I get home it probably won't be pretty. By this point I just want to burst into tears. He leaves saying only Goodbye. And he always tells me he loves me. And tonight he didn't. This is the first argument that we have been into since we have been dating. And I am so frustrated!! :wall: Because of all of this my head is pounding and I feel like shit!! I have never had a day like this with him. I don't know what is going on with him. I don't know what to do! I just feel like I don't know anymore. I love him to death and would do anything for him!!! But wow what in the hell do I do??? Thanks for listening :smile:

 

[txdoll38]

Blue Eyed Angel

I totally understand your frustration. It's like we put so much energy into tiptoeing and walking on eggshell to look out for them, but you get torn down for having a normal response to a frustrating situation.

The first time I experienced this with my bf, I was devastated. It felt like someone had replaced my boyfriend with another guy. At the time I did not know about PTSD but it took him a few days to get over it. I kept trying to talk about it which only make him angrier. At the time, I just could not understand. My advice would be to try to talk it out (if you havent alreadly), but don't push if he is not ready to talk. It will only make it worse.
I wish you the best.

 

[Frankie]

Hi blue eyed angel,

Your bf might have been acting that way with you, because of what he had to deal with that day (his anxiety with crowds). First of all his sister shouldn't lay guilt trips on him, she should know better!! However, by going to the zoo he is learning to face and control his anxiety about large crowds.

Once, my exbf and I went to the flee market where there also was a "singing talent" show that day, well, there was many people there, I asked him if he wanted to sit down and listen, he said sure ! ...After not even 1 hour he said to me "is it ok if we leave?" I understood that it was getting too much for him and we left the show...it was getting way too noisy! We did however continue looking around the flee market....in his case it was the noise that got to him more then the crowds.

Your bf might have forgotten your home phone number (my exbf used to forget many things) or he was really stressed out that day, so he reacted in a way you never saw.

Sometimes they act in a way that we would normally never act...meaning, "minor things for us will not stress us to the point of being "nasty" but for the sufferer it is quite different.

Give him space, he will come around. However, if certain things he does really hurt you, talk to him about it, (when he is at his best) and make him realize that he hurt you.

I used to tell my guy about certain things I didn't like and he would make the effort to control himself. It doesn't always work though, so you might just have to move away from what he did and not take it personally.

Good luck !

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

Frankie,

Thank you for your view on my situation. I called him last night. Not right away though. I waited for like 2 hours before I called him. I called him and I did apologize for what I said and the way that I acted in the truck. He said that he understood that I was upset. And it didn't help the fact that he was having a bad day anyways. So I am hoping that he knows that I am truly sorry for what I did. I try to not get angry or anything over the things that he does or says because I know that it is part of the PTSD. I try not to because I know that things are stressful enough just by being a sufferer. And I don't want to add to it. But I hope that we can get past this and move on.

Thanks again...

 

[sirsir]

When I get in a mood my wife can tell and she tells me to go lay down and take a nap. Please understand that she is the only one that would get away with telling me this. I love her enough to trust her that I need to go relax. I would not recomend that you try this with your BF. I have been married 18 years and time makes a world of difference. I understand how your bf feels crowds get me hyped up and if I am there to long just plain mad. I agree that we(people that have PTSD) must be held accountable for our actions. However please wait until he has time to calm down. If I am in a mood alot of my reasoning skills go out the window and I start going into defense and fight mode. I hope this helps peace for now.

 

[Robyn]

Hi Blue Eyed Angel,

I'm a newbie and I'm not sure when this is going to post but here goes anyway. I've had many conversations/arguments with my husband of 18 years. It wasn't until over a year after he was finally diagnosed instead of medicated that the 'fed up' factor hit and the arguments worsened. It's at that point I started looking on the internet and reading about some of his behaviors (e.g. sudden onset of lying) that I found a link to PTSD.

That is how I stumbled upon this forum and the wonderful people in it. Reading posts from sufferers helped me to understand what he is going through. Reading posts from carers, helped me to re-establish control OF MYSELF thereby making it easier for me to help him.

I suggest (as Anthony and the rest do) that you learn everything you can from both sufferers and carers. But, most importantly, understand that when/if your relationship develops...it's going to take efforts from both of you to and it's not always going to be easy. Things were wonderful with us until about three years ago and then they turned upside down very quickly.

You are fortunate enough to know that he is aware of his problems and knows ways to eliminate certain stressors.

 

[blue_eyed_angel]

sirsir:
Yeah there is no way I would go tell him to relax. :smile: That probably would just make him even more mad. He was mad from the start of the day. His sister layed a guilt trip on him that if he didn't go then he would be ruining his nephews birthday. But her being his sister should understand that he just simply can't deal with the crowds. I have been with him for 4 1/2months and even I can understand that. He does the same thing as far as the defense and fight mode goes. It's just so hard dealing with the PTSD monster!!!!! I love him to death. I truly do. He is an amazing person. I guess my thing is I just took this to personally. Normally I just let it go. But I was upset and wasn't thinking and before I knew it.. We were into a little argument. I am still learning about him and what triggers him and makes him upset. I just hope this doesn't cause us to break up. I think about that also...

 

[sirsir]

Angel I got married way before my PTSD started so the wife knows who I really am. I still some of my old traits but the new ones are not the good ones. The only advice I can give about relationships is it has to be good for both people involved. We all have things about us that might need to be changed. However the good in the relationship must out weight the bad. You know your limits. Please do what is best for you and if you can help your bf that is a bonus.

 

[midi]

There are lots of good points made here. Definitely wait to talk about how you feel until he is in a calm state--but make sure to somehow communicate. If you bury what you feel, it won't be good.

 

[Shoka]

Exactly how i feel

I totally understand your frustration. It's like we put so much energy into tiptoeing and walking on eggshell to look out for them, but you get torn down for having a normal response to a frustrating situation.

Wow this quote is totally true. I'm only human and can't help all of my responses to all situations. This is exhausting.