Therapist Holiday

[DiamondBug]

I'm really lost. I've been seeing my therapist for just over 6 months every Friday. We have a good relationship. Last year he went on holiday for 3 weeks and I ended up not seeing him for a month, this was also over the anniversary of what gave me ptsd, so it was a really horrendous time for me. I really struggled and in the end called the hospital where I go for therapy in the last week because everything had got too much. The receptionist was really unhelpful and said there's no way I could speak to him and I'd have to wait until he got back. He did call me maybe a day later to make sure I was okay and later on another therapist sent me a letter saying she could see me, but I only had a few days to wait and I think seeing a stranger would of made me worse, so I waited to see my t.

This time he's only going for 2 weeks over a time with no anniversaries but I am so f*cking scared. I just wasted my last session because I didn't want to do what I did last time and talk about things that I'd have to carry with me for weeks. I uncontrollably cried and I couldn't explain why. I couldn't even speak to him, he had to ask me things. I have a teddy called Geoff that I have to sleep with and I have described to my t how much I need him and he kept saying do you see me and Geoff as similar? Which I didn't understand what he meant, so I said maybe. He said sorry for upsetting me about going away. He asked me about what I was feeling, because I couldn't talk about what was on my mind, I would of crumbled today. I said worthless, lost, horrible, sad,etc. He tried to reassure me that I'm a good person and what people did to me doesn't define me. Which made me feel good for the moment. I just feel literally rock bottom. I don't know how I'm going to cope. He asked me if I was going to look after myself and I said yes. I will definitely be alive in 2 weeks, but I don't know how yet. I didn't want him to worry. He asked me what I'd do next Friday when I can't see him and I said I just won't get out of bed. I feel awful. I felt like I couldn't be honest with how I feel because I'd be on the edge for 2 weeks. I wish I spoke to him now. I don't know what I'm going to do.

 

[Mim28]

Hi @DiamondBug. I'm sorry you are feeling this way right now. I don't know if it's the right term, but I've suffered through anticipatory anxiety. Is that what you are going through? Do you have a care plan for things you can do to try to help you get through until you see the therapist again?
Remember that you are doing a lot of work to help you feel better. The therapist is a big part of it, but you are doing the work. It might not feel like it. Every day that we cry or shake or just feel bad, we are still trying.
I've made lists for myself and some things I've been able to do and others not, but I got through each day somehow and you will too. You may even surprise yourself. Remember, you are doing the work...
Hugs,
Mim