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Deleted member 27340
I just put this in discussion because this thread will most likely be a bunch of random ingredients thrown into a bowl and boiled with the spice of poor English skills... I hope you manage to decode the message in one way or another.
Right now I'm sitting in my bed, had to leave school because I'm sick (again). I'm confused. Yesterday I got back the results from the depression and panic anxiety test, fortunately I'm not so depressed that my T will put it as a separate diagnosis, she says the symptoms I have are all just part of PTSD. Same about panic anxiety. I also took an IQ test for children (VISK or something like that), and the results will be compared to others in my age group (14yrs 0 months-14yrs 3 months) and one year above me, because I might be accelerated a year in school. At the same time as I suck at concentrating and working. And lack motivation. And this is just chaotic.
Also, I told my T about how I'm afraid of my dad because he's getting so angry and yells and frightens both me and my sister... we both do as we've done our whole lives; cross our fingers on our way home that the house is empty. Sure, it's better here than with our mother, but his anger and how he's using shame to "motivate" is damaging too. I wish to live with my grandmother, but she doesn't have enough place in her home for two children. Else than that there is really no other options than surrender to the child welfare, I haven't got much more family I can stay with. I cannot stay with anyone on my mother's side of the family, as it would be too much of a danger when it comes to the risk of meeting her again. If I could, I'd live with two of my grandparents. Sadly, they're settled on the island I used to live on, where my mother also lives. I can never, ever, return to that island. I can't move on my own, either, not because of lack of skill, but because it is juridically impossible before I turn 15. If I'm going to move out when I turn 15, I can't surrender to the child welfare either; there is no way they will let a 15-year-old live on their own. My father, however, I can convince. It's just that how it is at home now -- not that I even feel at home here -- makes healing even harder. It clogs the process. If I talk to my father about this, he replies with and explanation of how he "is not my mother!" and that I "push him into a corner". He's also claimed that me and my sister are using our past as a "pillow". Not fortunate at all, and I can't really talk to anyone about it either as I am not taken seriously.
Suicidal thoughts are frequent and strong, nightmares, crying myself to sleep and becoming scared and stressed from the smallest things. I struggle with appetite, and the fact that I get sick from somewhere close to anything I eat doesn't make it any better.
Because of the might-happen-acceleration I need to do well in school too, and when I am expected to be part of the family and respect my father, do my chores perfectly and have a social life at the same time (not that my dad will not sound angry when I ask to go out with my friends), I feel pressured. Right now I want to only focus on school (I really want to skip that grade) and friends (to keep my motivation to live up on the way). It seems hard for my dad to understand this, and if I try to sit down with him and talk about it, he ends up angry in some way. I'm never good enough to him. If I don't talk about how I feel, he's angry with me for not sharing. If I do talk about how I feel, he's angry with me for exaggerating. Confusing, eh?
Now I'm actually not even allowed Internet, because I used this site to calm down after a nightmare instead of LAYING in bed trying to SLEEP. I mean, if I could even lay down, I would. Sleep is impossible after a nightmare, and I'm sure you will understand me on this one.
Nay, I think I should dash now. I've got to make some more tea, get better and return to reading my beloved book about Count Dracula (which may be the cause of some slightly old-fashioned sentences in this text; my friend got me and unaltered copy and the book was written in 1897). My buddy and I are planning on watching as many Dracula films as possible this weekend, if we've both finished it by then.
Right now I'm sitting in my bed, had to leave school because I'm sick (again). I'm confused. Yesterday I got back the results from the depression and panic anxiety test, fortunately I'm not so depressed that my T will put it as a separate diagnosis, she says the symptoms I have are all just part of PTSD. Same about panic anxiety. I also took an IQ test for children (VISK or something like that), and the results will be compared to others in my age group (14yrs 0 months-14yrs 3 months) and one year above me, because I might be accelerated a year in school. At the same time as I suck at concentrating and working. And lack motivation. And this is just chaotic.
Also, I told my T about how I'm afraid of my dad because he's getting so angry and yells and frightens both me and my sister... we both do as we've done our whole lives; cross our fingers on our way home that the house is empty. Sure, it's better here than with our mother, but his anger and how he's using shame to "motivate" is damaging too. I wish to live with my grandmother, but she doesn't have enough place in her home for two children. Else than that there is really no other options than surrender to the child welfare, I haven't got much more family I can stay with. I cannot stay with anyone on my mother's side of the family, as it would be too much of a danger when it comes to the risk of meeting her again. If I could, I'd live with two of my grandparents. Sadly, they're settled on the island I used to live on, where my mother also lives. I can never, ever, return to that island. I can't move on my own, either, not because of lack of skill, but because it is juridically impossible before I turn 15. If I'm going to move out when I turn 15, I can't surrender to the child welfare either; there is no way they will let a 15-year-old live on their own. My father, however, I can convince. It's just that how it is at home now -- not that I even feel at home here -- makes healing even harder. It clogs the process. If I talk to my father about this, he replies with and explanation of how he "is not my mother!" and that I "push him into a corner". He's also claimed that me and my sister are using our past as a "pillow". Not fortunate at all, and I can't really talk to anyone about it either as I am not taken seriously.
Suicidal thoughts are frequent and strong, nightmares, crying myself to sleep and becoming scared and stressed from the smallest things. I struggle with appetite, and the fact that I get sick from somewhere close to anything I eat doesn't make it any better.
Because of the might-happen-acceleration I need to do well in school too, and when I am expected to be part of the family and respect my father, do my chores perfectly and have a social life at the same time (not that my dad will not sound angry when I ask to go out with my friends), I feel pressured. Right now I want to only focus on school (I really want to skip that grade) and friends (to keep my motivation to live up on the way). It seems hard for my dad to understand this, and if I try to sit down with him and talk about it, he ends up angry in some way. I'm never good enough to him. If I don't talk about how I feel, he's angry with me for not sharing. If I do talk about how I feel, he's angry with me for exaggerating. Confusing, eh?
Now I'm actually not even allowed Internet, because I used this site to calm down after a nightmare instead of LAYING in bed trying to SLEEP. I mean, if I could even lay down, I would. Sleep is impossible after a nightmare, and I'm sure you will understand me on this one.
Nay, I think I should dash now. I've got to make some more tea, get better and return to reading my beloved book about Count Dracula (which may be the cause of some slightly old-fashioned sentences in this text; my friend got me and unaltered copy and the book was written in 1897). My buddy and I are planning on watching as many Dracula films as possible this weekend, if we've both finished it by then.
