Thinking About Suicide And It Scares Me

[Apaj]

I'm daydreaming about killing myself over and over. The thoughts start out accidentally and it takes me a while to figure out that I've tripped down the lane of fantasizing about slitting my wrists, drinking so much that I lose all my inhibition and take plenty of pills, hanging myself, running my car off the highway into embankments and trees.

I'm really scared because they're thoughts are just so automatic these days. I don't think I want to die but I can't stop thinking about how I would kill myself.

I don't know what to do because I'm terrified of the consequences (commitment) if I let anyone know I'm having these thoughts.

 

[Amel]

They will commit you if you have a detailed plan and want to do it but not for thinking about it but acting. I have several times before but always the thought of putting my loved ones through hell and the possibility in my mind of going to hell seems scarier at the last moment.. Then I remember the sound of the sweet birds chirping and it makes me think just one day at a time. One moment at a time and get some help by calling my support systems; friends, family, animals, a therapist... It is hard work. Hugs to you!

 

[Apaj]

I'm not religious so he'll just isn't a deterrent.

I think I just want silence - that perfect silence I can't have, that silence I get from the complete dissociative amnesia. I don't want to fight at all to deal with the world anymore. I'm feeling exhausted and I just don't know how to handle this.

 

[Avis]

Is there any thing you love doing or can you find something you love doing that would convince you it's worth staying? I get the same feelings but it's because I feel I have no future and ostracism

 

[Iladil]

Cognitively I recognize that I have an amazing life, good career, good friends, family that needs me. But then there is this dark side that I have. I think I really just want to kill that part of me, not the whole me, but sometimes my thoughts just get so mixed up and ip think about killing myself completely. I'm just overwhelmed and I don't know what to do.

 

[Eficin]

Hi Apaj,
I just read this and wanted to respond as I too have just had a couple of days like this - and remembering when it was almost constant, the daydreaming, the thoughts, the wishing for and end to it all. There are certain things that trigger this off in me, I've realised - being invalidated is a big one, or being very stressed, conflicts with people - especially people lying to me, that's a big one.
For me, the trick is to practise self belief always. When those thoughts are happening, or when my head is full of internal chattering I just think to myself that I'm a sensitive person and as such, I'm going to feel like this at times, and to remind myself that many other people in the world are like this too. That calms me down and helps me to get back on my own side. Accepting myself for the person I am.
Suicide is like escapism for me, a way out when I don't feel I can handle what's going on, but if you can look at the bigger picture it helps.
This planet needs sensitive people! It's important to know that you are valuable, important also to find a way that you can give the person you are to the world in a way that makes you feel happy.
Once you start out on that kind of path everything seems to fall into place. For me, it was art and also a love for other people, especially people feeling invalidated and slipping through the cracks, that got me back into school to study art therapy - in that field, I can use something I enjoy myself to help others like me to find validation and freedom to be themselves. That in turn makes me feel validated too! And happy!
I was in my 50s before I realised I could use these two things to both my own and others' advantage. Just wish I'd valued myself more when I was younger instead of trying to fit in all kinds of places I was never going to belong.
Be kind to you! Do all the things that make you feel joy, avoid the things and people that make you feel despair. Your soul will grow stronger and you will find your own path. It's so worth it! And you will look back on these days and realise how much you've learned from them and how much you have to give.
I think I will always have this tendency to get overwhelmed, but nowadays I recognise that it's more that I'm overwhelmed than I want to die - so time to retreat for a while and go on a campaign of kindness to myself!

 

[Hudeg]

Tanks for the replyI appreciate it. I think reframing things and knowing what I really need is important. It's just hard, because I feel like I lose track of the possibility of anything else besides death sometimes and when I feel scattered and fragmented it's all I can do to stay upright and moving, never mind fight off these thoughts or direct my thoughts elsewhere. I'm working on it though. Trying to realize killing myself isn't a good solution even though it often feels like the only way.

 

[Olunu]

)-: Yes, I know what you mean! I always find though that if I can withstand the storm, it does pass. Hang in there..