Thinking Of Leaving Spouse & Safety

[wallflower]

We've both been in individual counseling for over a year after we were "stuck" in our marriage counseling. He's the "fight" type and I'm the "freeze" type (see 4F's article). Since he has abandonment issues, this angers him, which pushes me further away and the downward spiral continues. After reading through the 4 F's article and understanding more how we trigger each other, I'm starting to believe that neither of us has a chance of working through our issues as long as we are together. I'm really enjoying a new job and being treated with respect and realize that I will probably never have this at home. I think it's time.

If I leave, I know it will trigger his abandonment issues and his anger. He has never hit me, but has shown violent behavior by punching a hole in the wall and threatening me. I'm not sure how to do this while keeping my kids and myself safe and not over-reacting to something that may not even happen and ruining the chance to split up amicably (if that's possible).

I have thought about telling a co-worker about the situation "just in case", but changed my mind because I don't want to bring this into work. I have no family in the area and my friends are also his friends, who would not believe that he could be violent, so I can't really turn to any of them.

For those who have split up from a volatile relationship, do you have any words of wisdom for me?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

If you think it has any chance of being violent then you should really go to a women's shelter. Or even get the police involved. I don't see how, if you think he could be violent, you could not get someone else involved. In this case I don't think there are any 'magic' words that could be used to calm him.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi-

You have alot going on at one time. If he is violent, mabe a womans shelter is the way to go. I hope you get ready in advance, by getting a new place to live and the paperwork you will need, the kids school records etc.

I am sorry you are short on support. It is hard to break up. Even under the best of conditions. But if it is time for you to go, then it is time for you to go. I wish you the best. You have alot of stuff to do. It is hard when you have kids but it can be done.

I left my husband for 3 months. I had no job, so I had to get money out of the bank, no shelter would take me as I had animals. my daughters. I ended up renting a house from a friend. I had to get a phone and I had to transfer my daughter to a new school. it was hard. I was lucky because I didn't have to turn on utilities.

No one would hire me. I couldn't get a job, so you are lucky that you already have a job. My heart goes out to you. YOU have alot of stuff to go thru to accomplish leaving your husband, Unless you want him to move out, That would be easier on you. It would give you some stability. You will need all the safety and stability in the days ahead. best wishes. Please take good care of yourself.