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I want to attempt leaving

Discussion in 'Domestic Violence' started by courelly, Mar 15, 2018.

  1. courelly

    courelly Active Member

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    Well, I have no interest in a relationship any time soon :laugh: But I like that I'm not being held back from knowing someone else.
     
    blackemerald1 and mumstheword like this.
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  3. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member Donated

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    I was actually into some one else when I got out of mine. He's probably the reason I actually managed to escape, so yeah...

    I think it's great because you deserve someone as caring and kind and empathetic as you are and I can attest to the reality of that being a distinct possibility, because it happened for me.

    You go girl!
    When your ready, of course.
     
    blackemerald1 and littleoc like this.
  4. Happyplace76

    Happyplace76 Active Member

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    I am sooo happy to hear that you are doing so so well!! Congratulations survivor! It's a whirlwind of recovery but I promise it just keeps getting better and better once you leave and it sounds like your family is surrounding you, you're reaching out for help, you have HOPE now! You'll notice lots of things - hindsight is always 20/20 but you should feel so proud of yourself! This reminds me of when I left my son's father (he was two months old at the time) and I remember it all - most of it being the leaving and having my own life to live freely! :):hug::hug:
     
  5. courelly

    courelly Active Member

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    I'm glad you were able to leave your son's father and start a new life.

    A few weeks later, I still feel sort of strange/unsettled (but still firm), and kind of in limbo. I need to get better about going to my survivor group therapy, but I do find it really overwhelming to hear women's stories out loud and get those affirmations, even if I need them. An online forum like this feels easier to process for some reason?

    I spend time worrying about whether my ex has found himself a job, and if he will be ok. Still a month and a half left on the rental lease that I left him (and paid for), which means a month and a half of him needing to figure out what he's doing next to stay afloat, where he's going to live, etc. I'm still afraid he's going to need more money, which I will have trouble saying no to giving him. I need my money to help my mom out, since it's become clear since arriving here that she's struggling financially, and I'm scared that if he doesn't find a job then he will try to convince me to be with him again or guilt me into taking care of him. It's strange how no matter how far in distance we are, he still has a hold on my brain a little bit.

    I had a dream that he convinced me to fly up to our home for some logistical reason, and when I arrived, I saw he had a handful of little songbirds kept in a very small cage. I immediately set to work and told him he needed a much bigger cage for the birds, and that I would take care of finding it, buying it. I felt very useful in this dream.

    How to get out of this concept of finding my value only as a caretaker? I should probably seek some individual therapy for that.
     
  6. courelly

    courelly Active Member

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    Actually, my dream reminded me of this Josephine Baker video from a song. That line translates to, "The most beautiful cage is only a prison.”

    That image file did not work! I'll just add a link instead

    Rat Trap
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 17, 2018 at 3:16 AM
  7. berlinda

    berlinda Was Bearlinda Premium Member Donated

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    Hi @courelly :)

    Nice to hear from you. Good to hear you are doing ok too. Sounds like a really good idea to get you some counselling - and to begin working on figuring out how to change your values too - don' know how to put it in the right words but I know for me I've realised there are defo some opinions or values or whatever that made me vulnerable to him... enabled him to hook me.

    I think I am beginning to change then slowly but need to do a lot more.

    I've booked myself some Equine therapy, feels like it will help me know how to approach others... don'
    Know how to explain ehat i mean.

    Well wishes to you :)
     
  8. Happyplace76

    Happyplace76 Active Member

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    Hi Courelly! What you're feeling is normal I think... I felt strange and unsettled for gosh, at least 6 months. Yep, had the dreams about my ex for a long time - even now once in a while I'll have a bad dream about him. (12 years ago was when I had left). My version of "taking care" of my ex was asking for a pittance of child support to help him out and not taking him to court. Oh I'd send pics of my son, try to attempt visitations for him with my son - this lasted for about 6 months - a year. Until he stopped attempting to help support our son or visit with him. Those strong feelings of "love" or bonding don't go away over night.

    It was really hard setting boundaries at first - for like two years! AND we were 4 hours apart. I think therapy is an excellent idea and stop giving him money!! Those group sessions were my lifeline - and I went to about 3,4 months of them. It's ok to miss one every once in a while but they're invaluable, and free, educational, and I still think it's responsible for my ability to change the cycle of violence in my son's life, being a non abusive mom (abusive childhood) and being able to pick up on those red flags better. I hadn't been with an abusive man until just this past February - and I was shocked that I "let" it happen. It was something my therapist and I had discussed, but she reminded me of the love bombing phase, how abusers work, etc...

    You'll heal at your own pace... everyone does. But getting with a therapist that specializes in DV (most of the DV agencies have the individual counselors there). I honestly think they are better about understanding PTSD resulting from abuse.

    You may want to block him for the time being - I know to you it may seem harsh, but if there's no kids, you're really better off not interacting because then he can't abuse or manipulate you from afar - and they DO that! That NEVER stopped with mine. The longer you're away the easier it gets at putting those boundaries in place. I finally blocked mine completely after his threats started up again when my son was about 6,7.

    You are responsible for you.. You are not responsible for him. He's an adult. And on top of that he was horrendous to you! He didn't treat you with love - you were a vessel for his needs and an outlet. And if your mom needs help, I'd much rather give it to a loving mom who took me in, allowing me a safe place to be until I can get back on my feet than my former abuser. Be compassionate to yourself - there's a lot of self talk that needs reworking due to the brainwashing, gaslighting, and verbal abuse from him still in there.
     
  9. courelly

    courelly Active Member

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    Equine therapy absolutely makes sense!! I hung out with kittens today.
     
  10. courelly

    courelly Active Member

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    Thank you for saying all of this. I'm glad it's normal to be confused and unsettled. I'm sure part of it is that when we leave these situations, we're usually in a state of flux not just emotionally, but physically too - staying with friends and family, gathering our wits. It's so far removed from a normal breakup. During a normal breakup, I was able to stay in the same house as that person before finding another place to live, etc. I didn't have anyone try to talk me out of my decisions, and didn't experience fears for my safety. In this situation, I bolted and left almost ALL my belongings behind. I'm not a materialistic person, but it kind of messes with your concept of personal identity to press the reset button like that.
     
  11. Happyplace76

    Happyplace76 Active Member

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    Completely normal - and yes a lot of it is not being in your "space", things are everywhere, you're realizing you've left things behind, and it's completely different from a normal breakup. Most of my normal breakups we remained friends. "I didn't have anyone try to talk me out of my decisions and no fears for my safety" - There you have it. Have you realized how in just a short amount of time, how your thinking has evolved? I've realized that as I remember yoru first posts, etc... You have come such a long way Courelly, you really have! It'll take some time, but you'll get there. I finally felt like "myself" again - well completely two years after I was out. Gosh everytime I saw a car that looked like his, I was on edge - that lasted like 5 years. The only positive thing I experienced immediately from leaving was relief, and then it took a few months to get my energy back because years with an abuser is exhausting as heck!! My cousin was the one that made the call to the DV place - couldn't do it myself. You're doing great, you really are. Stick with group and counseling and healing should be quicker, healthy thinking will return (already has! ). And yes it does feel like a personality reset - at first - but it returns. Hugs!! Pats on back!
     
  12. courelly

    courelly Active Member

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    Oh, thank you for saying this! Two years sounds like a long time to me now, but it makes sense. It can take longer than that for a "normal" breakup recovery too. I've been away from him for more than a month when we initially dated long distance, so my brain is probably not adjusting to the fact that this is a permanent change. Still a little bit of shell shock.

    I also tried to break up with my partner and live with my mom a few years ago, but she's a little hard to live with and I ended up running back to him. My mom is not abusive, but she has a history of being emotionally/financially needy, and we fall back into that dynamic in a home environment. The more I'm around her, the more she suddenly seems unable to fend for herself in the smallest ways, and quickly looks to me to be taken care of, when what I need is to learn a more mutual arrangement. Example: I went with her and her dog to the vet last night and paid for everything, which I definitely don't mind (I love her dog), but this morning she acted like putting in his medicated ear drops was the world's biggest mystery and started crying. I had to sit down with her, calm her down first, and then re-demonstrate what the vet showed us. It might seem like a small thing, but when every attempted task makes her begin to cry, it gets exhausting and I feel like I'm right back in a toxic dynamic and even MISS my partner - because while his abuse was horrifying objectively, at least he was "only" doing it once a week or less.

    Anyway, more things I need to discuss in therapy :) Thanks for letting me bounce my processing off of you.
     
  13. Happyplace76

    Happyplace76 Active Member

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    On average a woman leaves 7 times. My number was 4 and I allllmost returned but a job offer came through - leaving that weekend felt like moving through molasses. I can see how it would get exhausting with your mother - hopefully your therapist can give you some advice until you're up on your own. But it is STILL a safer place to be than your ex. Safety - physical and emotional and healing are the things that might help you focus and learn to reject those natural feelings (when sad, lonely, frustrated) of wanting to return. You can't make the same decisions and expect another outcome. I started learning this close to 40. But at least it sunk in. Is there a person you can text or call anytime you have those thoughts of returning? If not feel free to PM me ok? Also my DV counselor said to call the crisis line if I started having these thoughts. They are happy and so knowledgeable in helping victims leave for good and deal with all the mess in those early months. I'm happy to be a bouncing person lol! I've been through it, did some peer online dv support in 3rd year after I left. Definitely not an expert lol but that's what we do - we're here to bounce things off each other! :hug:
     
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