Dom Violence I want to attempt leaving

[blackemerald1]

@courelly - just wondering how you are getting along? Have you had any issues with the ex or has it been ok?

 

[courelly]

@courelly - just wondering how you are getting along? Have you had any issues w...

Thank you for asking how I'm doing. He hasn't given me any trouble at all, but it's hard to say, he could still be in denial about the permanence of the situation (even though I've moved very far away).

I feel less pain than I did before, during, and right after I left, but I am still worried about him. I know he's having a hard time finding a job because of his job history and the market (his responsibility, not mine, I know). I just have guilt because I always told him it would be ok, and that no matter what his job situation, he didn't have anything to worry about. That I just wanted to make sure he found something that he really likes to do. I wanted to stay cool and supportive about it, but after he lost 9 jobs and was unemployed for a year, I was starting to feel like my cool/supportive approach was being taken advantage of.

I go back and forth between feeling really angry about what I've endured the last 6 years, to feeling guilty and wondering if he's ok. I don't feel as much doubt about whether I went through abuse. He used to say that I was "also abusive," but I don't really think the things I did/said are comparable. He knew I was in a place of fear and intimidation due to what we called his temper, and I do think I was traumatized from that. He reduced the severity and frequency of his episodes towards the end, but honestly that is what partially gave me the courage to leave. I was less afraid of him, but I started having room to get mad about his continued minimization of my experience. He'd made me fear for my life multiple times, but told me I had no basis to feel afraid, and didn't want to be reminded of how he'd acted. This felt like a deal breaker, and that he'd never come to affirm the reality of my experience with him, which meant it was unlikely to change in a lasting way.

Anyway, sorry for the long rant. Going to in-person group therapy with other survivors has shaken a lot of thoughts loose inside my head, and I'm starting to feel like an open book about all of it to anyone who asks.

 

[Teasel]

his continued minimization of my experience

This is the thing that's been at the crux of the problem I think. Denying my reality.

Going to in-person group therapy with other survivors has shaken a lot of thoughts loose inside my head, and I'm starting to feel like an open book about all of it to anyone who

Really pleased to hear this, gives me hope :hug:

 

[courelly]

This is the thing that's been at the crux of the problem I think. Denying my reality.
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I relate, Bearlinda, and the more they deny your reality, the more you deny yours. Even now that I'm gone, I spend time denying the history of my reality, which is that I was abused.

 

[Teasel]

Does it sound mad to say that by him denying my reality somehow I have come to denying my very self? Does that sound wanky?

 

[courelly]

Does it sound mad to say that by him denying my reality somehow I have come to denying my very self?...

Not at all, that makes complete sense to me.

Let's say for example that you have a glass of water, and your partner accidentally knocks the glass over onto the floor. Then he turns to you and says, "Why did you knock over that glass of water?" At first you'd probably look at him like he was mad, and tell him that was in fact him who knocked the glass over. What if after that, every time he knocked something over, he blamed you for it, no matter how many times you told him you were sure it was him who had knocked it over? Then, he even starts intentionally knocking things over and STILL blames it on you. Eventually, most people would think: if he's so confident it's me who's knocking stuff over, am I the one who's wrong? Am I going crazy?

I don't know about you, but it doesn't help that I started out as a person with lower self confidence who consistently doubts myself and looks to others for approval. It was relatively easy for my partner to convince me that I was the one to blame.

 

[Teasel]

Eventually, most people would think: if he's so confident it's me who's knocking stuff over, am I the one who's wrong? Am I going crazy?

Yes, it feels so disorientating to have someone insist black is white with such conviction. I mean even physically disorientating. A shock!

it doesn't help that I started out as a person with lower self confidence who consistently doubts myself and looks to others for approval.

for sure, I was particularly vulnerable when I met him, my life had well and truly fallen apart after trauma and I had come to feel my perceptions couldn't be trusted.

Have you felt happy at all since leaving? Found yourself enjoying anything in particular?

 

[courelly]

Yes, it feels so disorientating to have someone insist black is white with such conviction. I mean e...

To answer your question: it's all very new for me, but I feel the possibility of happiness.

What I like more than anything so far is the peace. I don't have to worry about what I do or say without the possibility of retaliation - even though I still do have that lingering fear. Also, I used to think that my dog didn't like any excess of emotion, because she used to go hide in a closet every time my ex got upset, even if he wasn't raising his voice. My mom is a super animated and emotional person (but not angry), and my dog hasn't tried to hide even once since we arrived to stay at her place. In fact, she seems very relaxed. I thought that his anger hadn't affected my dog, but I can see that I was wrong.

It's also nice knowing that I'm going to be able to have a chance to date new people who will treat me better. I spent a lot of time feeling like my ex had settled for me, even from the beginning. I know from other relationships that it doesn't have to feel like that, and I'm excited about that possibility! I think you can have that too.

 

[mumstheword]

You guys are talking about stuff that is exactly my kind of experience too.

Thank you for voicing it.

I wanted to congratulate you too, @courelly , for getting out. I know it still doesn't feel great, but I'm willing to bet, as you work through layers of truth and illusion, you will feel more and more free, relieved, grateful for the freedom and starting to heal, with the safety and support you are creating for yourself and inviting into your life.

You are doing good.

You are a kind, compassionate, caring person and your deserve all the kindness and consideration, love and care incoming too.

Especially to learn to give it to yourself.

You matter.

You're well-being is, truly, a gift to everybody.

So please, give yourself plenty of credit for being so, so brave and courageous and leaving against so many odds and all that was working against you.

The gaslighting is so challenging to break free of and it will take time to clear your mind of the damage done and heal your broken heart, but you are on your own freeing, self determining and self empowerment journey to authentic and truly being the beautiful you, that you already are, but, perhaps are struggling to realize.

Well done, lovely lady! So well done!

 

[Teasel]

Lovely to read all this @courelly :-) I can just imagine you and your dog beginning to relax now you're away from him. And I'm sure you can have happy relationships going forward too.

Must admit for myself I'm looking forward to forming a relationship with myself most. I want another relationship just now like I want a hole in the head ;)

 

[mumstheword]

To answer your question: it's all very new for me, but I feel the possibility of happiness.

What I l...

Wow, sounds like you are already in waaay better shape than I was when I first escaped, but I had other extenuating circumstances.

Really lovely to read about the positive effects already happening for you and your dog! :-)

 

[courelly]

You guys are talking about stuff that is exactly my kind of experience too.

Thank you for voicing...

Thank you for saying this! I don't feel like giving myself a lot of credit - and also, I wish I could just snap my fingers and go back to how I was before I met him - but maybe in some ways this needed to happen to me for me to understand that I'm worthy of more.