Sexual Assault Time Does Not Heal.

[dierdre]

My name is not Dierdre and it doesn't matter.

My sex abuse began when I was 11. My stepfather would come to my room every night and every morning to touch me in ways that made my conscious mind leave my physical body. I was not there. This went on for two years and I said nothing.

One morning before school, I saw him touch my little sister inappropriatly and I would not stand for that! I told my teacher that very day and he was removed from the home. I think one of the most painful parts is that for the first day, my mom would not believe me. It took my older sister to tell her it had happened to her before she would hear me.

When I was 13 I went to a party with my step brother. I was pushed into a room by some gang member and was brutally raped. It was an initiation or something. I walked home with blood all over me. That is when I officially lost my virginity.

When I was 14 one night I woke to having been blind folded and a knife to my neck. This man had broke in my window and violated my body in every way possible. After that night, I slept for 4 days without eating or using the bathroom. Later my therapist told me that my mind was in shock and I just shut down.

I am 36 now. I have 4 children. I have attempted suicide so many times I can't even count. I've been locked in psych wards twice for near suicide. I hate myself. I blame myself for everything that ever goes wrong in my life. I feel ugly, filthy, worthless and useless. I feel like I wear a sign that says please come victimize me! I've seen therapists, psychiatrists, taken meds of all kinds. The thing is for the last 4 years my health has decline dramaticly. I have CHF, Renal failure, I go to dialysis 3 days a week and I have blockages in my heart. I've already had one stent put in. I'm. 36! How much more can I take before I break?

I'm just trying to hold on until my children are raised and then that's it...I'm done! There won't be a force on earth that will stop me from killing myself. I don't know what else to do. Can anyone help me?

<Edited by CB - added paragraph breaks for readability.>

 

[cherryblossom]

Hello Dierdre, welcome to the forum.

Well done for sharing your story here. You have been through some horrific experiences, and it's perfectly normal to suffer mentally because of that. It is very unfair that you are suffering with physical illnesses too.

You are right in that time doesn't heal. It takes a lot of hard work in therapy, and determination. And it's really, really hard work.

Are you in therapy now? If you have been with the same therapist, and not made any progress, then you need to find a new therapist. You need a therapist who specialises in trauma, and preferably one who specialises in sexual abuse/ assault.

I hate myself. I blame myself for everything that ever goes wrong in my life. I feel ugly, filthy, worthless and useless.

Feelings of self-blame are very common in the majority of people who have survived sexual abuse. Along with those feelings of worthless, useless, ugly etc. It's all completely normal to feel that way, after what you have been through.

It's not your fault. Those people chose their actions, you are not to blame. (Now you need help believing that ;))

You can get 'better' from this. I don't mean completely cured, but you can get to a better place mentally than you are currently. The past will always be there but with help from the right therapist, you can learn to manage your symptoms, and feel better about yourself, and improve your self-esteem.

It starts with picking apart your trauma's. Dealing with emotions you felt at the time, and your emotions surrounding those events now. Placing blame correctly, for all the things you think are your fault. Reducing the impact these events have on your life now, and re-building your self worth. There's loads more to it, obviously, and it's not a short process, or an easy process. But with the right therapist, and hard work you should see significant improvements (within months, rather than years).

You also have this forum now too ;) Plenty of people here who understand exactly what you are going through, even though everyone's trauma experience is different. You are not alone.

Regards
CB

 

[Ice_Fire]

CB has welcomed you far more eloquently than I could, but I just wanted to say 'hi' and let you know you're not alone.

Ice_Fire

 

[dierdre]

I am very new at this and quite nervous. Apparently I broke a rule or policy and I have tried to find out what rule it was so I don't repeat it in the future. I'm very confused. I read the rules and policies but perhaps I missed something. Help would be appreciated. Thank you
Also I would really like to thank you for the support and understanding as far as my abuse goes. I do have a new therapist and I think her and I can make some real progress. Again thank you.
---Dierdre

 

[cherryblossom]

You will see that I added a note to your post, so you could see what has been edited.

<Edited by CB - added paragraph breaks for readability.>

Writing one long text, with no paragraph breaks (a full blank line between paragraphs) is hard to read. Hope this helps :)

 

[dierdre]

It does, thank you.

 

[Tarot]

My heart goes out to you, dieedre. You have been through a lot no doubt. I hope you will continue to keep on your journey of healing even though it feels like time hasn't made much of a difference.

<edited by CB - corrected text speak>

 

[megnut]

Hi Diedre. Whenever I am feeling like I am no longer worth the trouble of healing, or want to commit suicide, I think "would I treat someone else this way?" If a friend came to me and said she wanted to kill herself, I would definitely go out of my way to help her not do it. So I am worth no less than she is... I need to give myself a good talking-to about why I should not commit suicide either. Just last week I admitted to my husband that I wanted nothing more than to put myself in the river to die. I figured I would be cold for a short time, but dying of hypothermia is less painful than other ways. I said that in the end I could not do it because it would put my 23-year old daughter through hell. He was insensed that his feelings were not taken into account but that is another story. What really made me think is that no matter how old my daughter is, there is never an age where she is grown up enough to handle her Mom killing herself. True, she is old enough to take care of herself now, but why would I want to inflict that kind of pain on her at any age?
In the same way, your children would be devastated if you committed suicide, even if you do it after they fly the nest. I know it seems like death would end all of the pain, but it will just transfer a great deal of pain to those you love.
If there was a miracle I could make happen just for you, I would in a heartbeat. You deserve some relief from the hell you have been through.

 

[Laurel Hall]

It took me decades to realize the abuse was not my fault, that I was a loveable person. Sexual abuse cripples social development, leaves the victime with overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. I understand what you are going through. I have felt your pain. Stay with your therapist. Life will get better.

 

[Maia]

My name is not Dierdre and it doesn't matter.

My sex abuse began when I was 11. My stepfather would come to my room every night and every morning to touch me in ways that made my conscious mind leave my physical body. I was not there. This went on for two years and I said nothing.

One morning before school, I saw him touch my little sister inappropriatly and I would not stand for that! I told my teacher that very day and he was removed from the home. I think one of the most painful parts is that for the first day, my mom would not believe me. It took my older sister to tell her it had happened to her before she would hear me.

When I was 13 I went to a party with my step brother. I was pushed into a room by some gang member and was brutally raped. It was an initiation or something. I walked home with blood all over me. That is when I officially lost my virginity.

When I was 14 one night I woke to having been blind folded and a knife to my neck. This man had broke in my window and violated my body in every way possible. After that night, I slept for 4 days without eating or using the bathroom. Later my therapist told me that my mind was in shock and I just shut down.

I am 36 now. I have 4 children. I have attempted suicide so many times I can't even count. I've been locked in psych wards twice for near suicide. I hate myself. I blame myself for everything that ever goes wrong in my life. I feel ugly, filthy, worthless and useless. I feel like I wear a sign that says please come victimize me! I've seen therapists, psychiatrists, taken meds of all kinds. The thing is for the last 4 years my health has decline dramaticly. I have CHF, Renal failure, I go to dialysis 3 days a week and I have blockages in my heart. I've already had one stent put in. I'm. 36! How much more can I take before I break?

I'm just trying to hold on until my children are raised and then that's it...I'm done! There won't be a force on earth that will stop me from killing myself. I don't know what else to do. Can anyone help me?

<Edited by CB - added paragraph breaks for readability.>

Please believe me when i say that this was none of this was your fault. You deserve love and compassion, and the events that happened to you were horrible, disgusting crimes, that you never should have experienced. I am so sorry that you have been suffering this long, with no discernible help. It was very very brave of you to speak out for your little sister, and i'm sorry that nobody spoke up for you. Many of my friends have been sexually abused, so i have seen first hand how intensely damaging it is to each person. I have not been through something as terrible as you, but i understand what you are feeling. WIth a lot of therapy, my friends have gotten to the point where they stopped blaming themselves and stopped harming themselves. I believe that you can do the same, you deserve a wonderful life free of pain, and full of happiness. You don't have to get to that point on your own, and it does not mean you are weak that you need others to help you. Please remember that you deserve love, you are worthy of healing, and that it was not your fault. The past will always hurt, but it does not have the power to control your future. You are strong, and i believe that you are strong enough to heal. You are not a victim, you are a survivor.

 

[isitmyfualt]

I am nearly 17 and in the past 4 years I have been raped twice and molested for monthes. I was also stalked by an insane piece of trash. I understand how you feel. The whole thing about a sign on you, l feel that way too. I still haven't been able to stop blaming myself even though everyone says it's not my fault. I am always sick, I'm in and out of both regular hospitals and mental hospitals. People say "time will heal it" I honestly doubt that. You have to come to terms that it was not your fualt. Even if you stripped naked and begged for it, then changed your mind at the last second, it's still rape, therfore not your fualt. You have kids now! That's an amazing thing! Focus on a goal to be happy for them. Sometimes you can't do it for yourself anymore, so try doing it for your kids. Stay strong my sister.....and remember it is not your fault.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@isitmyfualt...... Take your own advice..... It wasn't your fault. Try and believe that, and place blame where it really lays. With your abusers!!!!!!!!!!!!! Time does heal all wounds, but you also need to work at it too. Do the work and you can help yourself....