Relationship Tired and mixed up

[MeMyself]

Hi all,

How to hold your head up?

My partner has CPTSD and when she becomes triggered, EVERYTHING is my fault, regardless of how small. I’m tired. If I’m not 100% present and stable even when she’s mad at me telling me how I’m wrong, she says I’m being the problem, “you’re just pouting, sorries don’t mean anything…etc.”.

On a normal day when she’s not triggered, life’s pretty good. We can chat about most anything and me setting boundaries are respected both ways. When she’s triggered and I try to set a boundary or ask a question for clarification, all logic is out and her response is “you already know the answer to that” and then I have to “guess” what the answer is. If I get it wrong, it’s more confirmation for her that I’m in the wrong and the loop continues. It’s all so tiring.

Cheers

 

[LuckiLee]

It is tiring!!!!!

When she's triggered, nothing you say or do will be "correct". I leave the room, house, restaurant or party when my guy is in ptsd mode. I can't be the designated asshole if I'm not in the room. He can figure himself out and I'll return when he does.

You don't have to stay and take the abuse. Remove yourself. She has to learn to manage her triggers and stressors. It isn't your job to regulate her.

Boundaries are for yourself. If she xyz, I will abc. You can't change her but you can change the way you react to her.

Good luck.

 

[MeMyself]

Thank you!

I truly appreciate having a place where what I read and say makes sense. None of my family can comprehend nor do I feel safe for her sake to share what goes on.

It is tiring!!!!!

When she's triggered, nothing you say or do will be "correct". I leave the room, house, restaurant or party when my guy is in ptsd mode. I can't be the designated asshole if I'm not in the room. He can figure himself out and I'll return when he does.

You don't have to stay and take the abuse. Remove yourself. She has to learn to manage her triggers and stressors. It isn't your job to regulate her.

Boundaries are for yourself. If she xyz, I will abc. You can't change her but you can change the way you react to her.

Good luck.

Most of the time when these episodes show up it’s near bedtime at home. What is a good clean way to remove yourself when the episode is at home?

How to properly excuse yourself without being controlling or abusive back? I tend towards to codependency and I struggle when I start being yelled at (fawn and freeze), which just escalated it pretty much every time.

Thank you in advance.

 

[LuckiLee]

The first thing you have to do is have a conversation with her when she's in a stable place. Tell her how you feel when this happens and what YOU will do EVERY time.

I feel... when xyz happens so I will remove myself immediately and when you're calm we can address whatever is happening. It's hard at first. She'll follow you and rage and have meltdowns. Don't engage. Tell her I feel... and leave the room. EVERY time.

My guy knows I won't engage until he calms his ass down. This happens almost immediately now. I won't be talked to like I don't matter, in my own home.

Is she in therapy?

 

[arfie]

hello, memy. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

empathy on this particular partnering dilemma. whether it is my cptsd or my partner's chronic perfection which is fueling the current round, backing off and giving one another space is our most successful ruse so far. we've been practicing for 45 years and might need another 45 years of practice. we discuss our strategies for accomplishing this ruse during more rational moments. trying to discuss strategy during a battle too often results in hurtful logic. when we can successfully back off and calm down, the episode passes and we can discuss the problem in more rational tones.

but that is me and every case is unique.

steadying support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.

 

[MeMyself]

Hi all,

@LuckiLee yes, she’s in therapy.

Thank you for the thoughtful responses. We are past the prior episode. I was able to practice some of the suggestions here to a level of success on some other episodes and not engaging has been huge.

In the moment “everything’s my fault” and if I admit anything, it really does end on this note where I’m a “terrible human etc”. In reality it isn’t until things have calmed down that I get a better picture of what’s going on and normally it’s something outside the household that caused the trigger and episode, me forgetting the laundry or some dish is the catalyst for blame on me. Yes, accountability of me taking care of the thing I forgot is my job. But remembering this and not taking the heat for the outside CPTSD trigger/response is not mine to own.

This is my thoughts on a clear day so please if anything sounds off, please point it out.

Cheers!

 

[arfie]

please if anything sounds off, please point it out.

it all sounds well-handled to me. kudos on handling the tools so masterfully. empathy on the difficulty. i hope healing happens here.

steadying support while you keep on keeping on.