Today My Cup Is Half Empty

[KwanYingirl]

So I felt relieved after disclosing to my therapist but now I think he is avoiding me. I've emailed him twice since the disclosure and got the cold shoulder and our sessions have been uneasy. I don't think he wants to work with me anymore. So I think I'll just take a break and be the one to end our relationship. I feel super icky and melancholy.

I also feel like I've abandoned my little self. Like I failed her and I don't know where I'm at or who I am or what to do. Is there some post disclosure discord in my system? I felt such relief but it's been replaced by dread. Why can't I see my cup as half full?

My son just got engaged to a wonderful woman. They are going to have a destination wedding in St. Lucia next December. Tomorrow I have to drive to New Hampshire to meet her parents. My ex will be there, they'll all be drinking and this dynamic just boils my blood. Shouldn't I be jumping for joy? My emotions are flatlined. I don't understand why my therapist chose not to reply to my emails. Do you think he was disgusted by my story? I'm sick of waiting to have EMDR but he just puts it off over and over. I've also been having night sweats. I went through menopause easily fifteen years ago. Never had even one hot flash. Now waking up drenched in sweat. I bought an ikat rug today. Ikat is my design style at the moment. The colors and designs are so creative.

I've been looking online for mother of the groom dresses and oy vey, they aren't me at all!!! I hope Eric's girlfriend likes the one I like. It's got a rushed bodice, empire waist and the fabric is tropical in an understated way. It's maxi length but I like mid calf so I'll have to get her feelings about it. I'll have my arm tattoos done by then. They are to cover cutting scars I have everywhere on my body.

Well, I'm just babbling on feeling sad my Therapist has been ignoring me.

 

[Chava]

I also feel like I've abandoned my little self. Like I failed her

Nooooooooo!!!!

Can you flat out tell your therapist how you are feeling and ask if he is disgusted? I honestly had to ask my therapist. I told her I thought that she thought I was disgusting. I FELT disgusting and I think I needed extra support and affirmation that it was okay and I did not feel that. I still don't know why the hell not. And that was just me telling a nightmare about being molested by a family member, and also how I molested dolls as a young kid, but it felt disgusting (like cut myself up terrible) and it's like I had to test out being able to share that much. It would have been hard no matter what her response was...I was aware that I was hypersensitive to being rejected and feeling like I was horrible and disgusting. But it didn't help lessen the terrible feelings. I had to tell her horrible I felt. I went through a period of being sure she wanted me to just stop coming.

Is your therapist responding less than usual or are yours needs higher (which would be okay, whether or not he is responding)? I don't think all traumas are the best at working with some traumas, but sometimes the process needs to be made more clear. Like IS he uncomfortable (which is on him, NOT YOU) or is he trying to pace things so you aren't totally flooded???

It's so good that you have not abandoned your little self. I know it hurts if it feels like you are getting that from the outside though.

The dress sounds very pretty!

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @KwanYingirl , I think your stress cup is very full. :(

I must run, but just to say for now I mostly always feel mortified & horrified disclosing anything, & disgusted with myself. I don't think to 'ask' that someone " couldn't " be disgusted as I can't imagine how not. :( I think it has to be talked about in person. It's frightening to look at someone's eyes & such, but I guess it's those things (too) that counter the (self)-beliefs & expectations. (I mean not 'seeing' that reaction, etc. ).

Yours scars, well, all of us we've 'earned' everyone of them. I think of them as kind of stories now. I guess I just have too many other things to worry about than to think of them. But I understand. :( I just had a twitch start recently, thankfully it stopped.

The nightsweats I've had since 18 or so. They come & go with extreme stress. I think it's (they're) possibly related to pain +/ or night terrors. (But to be on the safe side, not to worry you at all but they can appear with Hodgkin's lymphoma, etc. But really common with ptsd.)

((((((Dear @KwanYingirl ))))))))) :hug:

 

[seedling]

You've broken the pattern of not telling and your old "safety" system is in disarray. As long as you keep it in, keep it secret, don't tell - then you might stay safe (or however it goes for you personally). You've taken that old mold and put some serious cracks and dents in it. A relief to go forward, then the fear comes in at letting go of the old coping mechanism.

It's OK to let the therapy relationship not feel so close after taking that big leap. I would always feel more distant and closed off with my therapist after something coming out. I started to see the pattern, then I would sense that he was waiting that out - like a time I needed for processing what I had done. He would be right there, close up, when I was ready to circle back in.

You haven't abandoned your little self, you've given her a chance at new life. She needs reassurance. The past is still all so real to her. Hold her close.

My son just got engaged to a wonderful woman

This is the good news :) Congratulations!

The ex, the drinking, well, that's short term stuff. Maybe it won't be as bad as the anticipation of it? Or, is there any way to minimize it for yourself if the situation is more than you want to deal with. A graceful escape plan? What do you want out of the visit? Can you achieve that, and bow out of the rest?

 

[Justmehere]

Have you asked him point blank if he is avoiding you?

 

[seedling]

Just googled Ikat designs. Wow, how beautiful.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I think you need to have an in-person conversation with your therapist. I think you need to explain that you felt relief at the disclosure, but now you are getting the sense that he is avoiding you or doesn't want to work with you. The initial relief you felt is great, but it is perfectly understandable that there is some internal emotional upset for disclosing something that you have been hanging onto for so long. It's hard stuff.

Also, have a talk with your inner child/little self. Try to reassure that part of you that you disclosed the information in order to work past it and that you are still committed to keeping her safe. That you are grown now and can take care of her.

In terms of your son's wedding. You can rejoice in the fact that he has found a wonderful woman. You can put into place as many skills and supports to help you with the driving to meet his parents and be with your ex and have everyone drinking. Those are all triggers- plan ahead as best you can. And it was no big deal what my mom or my mother-in-law wore to our wedding. We just let them choose. Your son and his bride might feel the same way so don't get too worried until you hear more about their planning, unless you have already heard their desires in which case hopefully you can work something out with them.

Best wishes in this journey and know that it is perfectly "normal" to be experiencing the "cup half empty" type of feelings after the disclosure. This is no small stuff!

 

[Whirlwind]

So I think I'll just take a break and be the one to end our relationship. I feel super icky and melancholy.

I felt the same way and ended my time with my therapist. I got a lot out of it early on but went through waves of uneasiness later, I asked him point blank in person several times and asked him to stop slipping me "bombs" out of the blue..I don't know, in our last session, he seemed sad, like he would miss me...asked me to email him re my progress. Something he asked me to do prior, and I had and he ignored me repeatedly. Weird. Then in my last session, he dropped a hurtful comment/bomb in our last 5 min, and then wanted to hug me goodbye.....I think he liked me well enough but honestly, I don't feel he was totally honest with me which is super critical for me, I shared my worst with him and feel exceptionally vulnerable, I would rather hear bad so to speak than wonder if that makes sense...

My point is I never solved the issue and not for lack of trying, I really tried. I didn't want to find another therapist in the least. I still feel sad but now that time has passed, I am glad our sessions have ended. I tried another therapist/group and it was totally different and helpful.

Maybe you are just evolving, its time for something different, another therapist, approach..etc.

Good luck I know its really hard, mine was too, Whirlwind

 

[KwanYingirl]

I think you've all validated me to the point I can advocate for myself. Don't get me wrong, I hate that you can relate to the post disclosure upset. It's so not fair to experience a catharsis and end up feeling weirder than before. Maybe I just don't know 'what's next' in this healing journey.

My therapist has always been so good about checking and cheerleading. I don't understand how he has set new boundaries and not tell me. I guess the little me is in control right now. She's the one that runs away and feels neglected.

You know, I should embrace this time in my sons life and I really am happy for them. And St. Lucia? Can it get any better than that???? I just feel unreal and scared if more memories are going to flood me. Catch me off guard. I'll talk to him next week. That's the mature me.

Despite the horrific winter we've had on the coast, my work has actually gotten busier!!! I think my higher power is helping me gain some financial security since I want to have an aloe body wrap and a hot stone massage in St. Lucia. I have to start getting pedicures soon as my feet are places I cut and will look disgusting in sandals. I may get my first manicure of my life too.

I am sad that I have PTSD. It's one step forward and then two steps back or to the side. It's taken me all week to tackle putting together a basket storage unit in my bedroom. It was so easy to flow the directions. Made in the US so I understood the directions. As for the drinking, I downloaded a biography of Stevie Nicks to read as well as on by Bruce Cockburn. Hey Canada-welove Bruce here. I see him at least twice a year, the next being in May.

I really need new glasses and found a website that sends you five frames you pick and then decide what you want and return them. Progressive lenses are $295 and sunglasses with progressive lens cost $395. That is a bargain!!! The site is WarbyParker.com. It's late now as I had another night sweat. My Chiroprator said she can treat that so I'll go in weekly for awhile..

Life goes on. Just feel flatlined. Thanks for all the good advice. I hid my cutting tools far away from my bed.

 

[Chava]

It's so not fair to experience a catharsis and end up feeling weirder than before.

No, not really. But I think that might be common even with really good support. Like @seedling mentioned, it also probably has to do with that whole switch of letting go of your old defenses. Also, like in the other posts, this really involves giving up your shame, which is sort of life-shattering in a good way. I know I try, feel weird without it, and take it back really too easily!!!

I don't understand how he has set new boundaries and not tell me.

I sometimes feel like my therapist has changed "rules" without telling me. But I'm very glad I feel okay asking, even if I often don't feel like her answer makes enough sense to me. It's helped me not just quit sometimes, the fact that I feel like I can say this stuff or ask.

I think you've all validated me to the point I can advocate for myself.

Yay!! Don't take the shame back. Advocating for yourself and your inner little KwanYingirl is so empowering but it feels weird when it's a newer way of responding.

I am sad that I have PTSD. It's one step forward and then two steps back or to the side.

The side step makes a lot of sense to me!! Sorry about the 2 steps back. I often take something like 2 steps forward, 1.98 steps back...or that's how I think of it!! But as I mentioned somewhere else recently, if I woke up tomorrow and was just "all better" it would not help either because my whole reality would be f*cked up and I'd lose all contact with myself. Little steps help, but it's exhausting sometimes. I've taken lots of side steps to, or like fallen into a man hole here and there.

(This is the first time I have successfully added more than one quote without somehow deleting my message. Wow!!)

Glad you're feeling better about it and also that you have the wedding and lovely destination to look forward to...sounds wonderful!