Tolerance for desire

[Rose White]

Something I’ve become aware of is my relationship to desire is wonky. Took me a long time in my recovery to orient to anything like a desire in myself. And then to feel accepting of that. And also to feel okay when others expressed their desires. I had a hard time learning to allow my kids to express desires because in my childhood I worked hard to not have desires—as a survival skill. It felt like a superpower to not have any desires.

Anyway… I’ve come a long way but it’s still something I struggle with. Both in myself and in people I care about—particularly dealing with it in my partner currently. But I think my fears surrounding him having desires is connected to low tolerance for my own desires—hence the goal of building my tolerance for desire.

I don’t really have a question just wanted to open a conversation on this topic and if there’s anything you’ve learned about yourself in this domain. Growth you’ve witnessed in yourself or just patterns you’ve noticed? Is desire (your own or others’) something in your field of awareness? Is there anything you would want to change?

 

[Avocado]

Notice other’s desires, especially when physical, tend to lead to shut-down.
Desire generally feels safer when limited to emotional and psychic realms. Unsustainable to limit others to these needs in the long run.
Share in similar goals. Need to work on building capacity for desire, my own and others, and build tolerance for physical expression/interaction.
Change will happen with effort but it is intimidating.

 

[Movingforward10]

I learnt what desire is.
Before, I would have sex with or without desire. It was more a message that "I need to have sex because otherwise...." I don't think I consciously knew what the end of the sentence was but I just needed to have sex whenever it was on offer. 'no' wasn't a word in my vocabulary.

Now, I've learnt that if I have sex when I don't feel desire, then that's when I get triggered and cry after or have unhealthy sexual fantasies that upset me. I have learnt that it's not healthy for me.

So, feeling desire feels good to me. I'm not scared of it. It's like it's the healing part. It's like it's the 'true' expression of my sexuality rather than this forced thing of 'i need to/I should have sex'.

Problem now, with peri menopause, is that the desire to have sex is less. But that's also ok really. There is an acceptance to that and also conversations around that. And being in a woman-woman relationship, a shared understanding of that, so that helps.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

For me my desires often feel optional, I want but if I don’t get, well, that’s ok. Which is a helpful mindset to have for stuff I don’t need but it gets messy that it also applies to many things I need and boundaries I have. I often validate others desires above my own so their desires as wants get put above my desires as needs. Which is messy and is going to take a while to untangle and fix, seeing others’ wants as needs but my needs as wants.

Romantically/sexually it depends. I’m more tolerant of the concept of being desired than I have been in the past, some parts still can’t stand it and have very low tolerance for this idea, but others have or have gained tolerance for this idea and it feels neutral, not particularly unsafe as long as it stays at a distance. There’s an acceptance that I can’t control others and also don’t need to, because most people aren’t even going to act on the desire and make it relevant to me, and if they were to, I’m not as helpless as I’ve been made to believe before. It may be uncomfortable but being thought of on these terms isn’t the end of the world anymore and I don’t need to fight to prevent that, as if I even could. Or worry about what others are thinking about.
I’m also getting more confident in the belief that me not having desire is fine, and doesn't put me in danger, and I can accept the fact I may be desired at some point while also being comfortable that I won’t reciprocate, because I don’t want to, it doesn’t interest me.

 

[Friday]

Man oh man oh man… WANTING ANYTHING, is something I have extreme difficulty with, when my PTSD is running hot.

 

[Rose White]

Continuing to muse on this topic…

Am realizing more and more that the capacity for staying with myself in the face of desire is such a huge part of my recovery.

And succumbing to the seductive fantasy that “the other” (person or people of the moment) is whole and complete, and does not desire but rather demands enjoyment, is a fruitless path every time. Why is it so seductive though? To believe that others have some disposition that I lack??

What is it about staying with myself in the face of desire (for the other or even to be the other) that is so critical to recovery?

I think I used to collapse when desire would arise in me, or attempt to flee…

Identifying my desire is an ongoing process…

 

[SeaLionMan1982]

Sometimes I have desire and other times I’m just sad and want a climax to make myself temporarily feel better, I hope that doesn’t make me sound like a bad or weird person.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

I often feel desire, the question is often more along the lines of, is it valid, is it allowed, is it returned. Same as many i think. Sometimes have to trust the answer is yes to all of them in normal situations. A minefield trying to phrase right.

Or flip the questions, why wouldn't it be valid, allowed or returned?

Also we can desire a lot, friends, family, money, sex.... Think desires are valid, what you do with them or to achieve them that's more important?

Ah trust... such a tricky thing... have to trust... desire is an opening.. have to trust its not a trap... do not think it is for you @Rose White sounds like you have something unique maybe.

 

[Ecdysis]

Sometimes I have desire and other times I’m just sad and want a climax to make myself temporarily feel better, I hope that doesn’t make me sound like a bad or weird person.

Do you have PTSD?

You seem to post about sex a hell of a lot.

 

[SeaLionMan1982]

Do you have PTSD?

You seem to post about sex a hell of a lot.

I have chronic PTSD :-(

 

[Friday]

Continuing to muse on this topic…

Am realizing more and more that the capacity for staying with myself in the face of desire is such a huge part of my recovery.

And succumbing to the seductive fantasy that “the other” (person or people of the moment) is whole and complete, and does not desire but rather demands enjoyment, is a fruitless path every time. Why is it so seductive though? To believe that others have some disposition that I lack??

What is it about staying with myself in the face of desire (for the other or even to be the other) that is so critical to recovery?

I think I used to collapse when desire would arise in me, or attempt to flee…

Identifying my desire is an ongoing process…

Because it’s akin to “not fainting”?

Being able to FEEL desire, or THINK about what I want, or ACT… as opposed to shutting down.