Tomorrow I Take My Name Back

[Beelady]

Tomorrow I go to court to change my name back to my maiden name. Since we were only married 5 days I feel weird about everything. I am still having folks that don't know me well congratulate me on getting married :( I am angry at B and upset with everything that happened. Still, though I am unsure I am doing the right thing changing my name back. But then I think, I had changed it after getting married - I spent a few weeks going through the motions of what "should have been". Now I just feel stupid and sad.

Any thoughts on this? Do you think I am being disrespectful by doing this? We are coming close to our 1st anniversary and the 1st anniversary of his death :(

 

[Ronin]

Still, though I am unsure I am doing the right thing changing my name back.

It is your name, Beelady.

You are free to do with it as you please. You don't owe anyone explanations as to why things are.

Disrespectful, no. You are not disrespecting his memory. You are honoring it by living on.

 

[Sideways]

Sounds like the right thing to do.

The past, & B, will always be there. But define your future on your own terms, not on the basis of those 5 days.

 

[Beelady]

I did not think of it like that - and you are right!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Any thoughts on this? Do you think I am being disrespectful by doing this? We are coming close to our 1st anniversary and the 1st anniversary of his death

Do what you feel is right. I dont think either way is disrespectful, to him or to you.

Is there a reason you want to change it back? Im just wondering as maybe you can answer your own question by answering that.

 

[Beelady]

For the last few years B would reference me as his wife. It always made me feel good (41 and never married) It made me feel wanted and because our relationship was so up & down, I craved anything that made me feel good. To finally be legally married, have the rush that everything was going to be ok, then to watch him do what he did and die in my arms is just too much. Planning a funeral less than a week later. Too much. It hurts to sign his last name. There was no excitement and fun in the change, as I believed it would be when he was here.

I went through the motions after the funeral - changing name, license etc., and accepted the congratulations in a daze. I bought my own wedding band, too (which I took off in December and wore today on my pinky to the court. Funny - it fell off in the toilet and I thought - yup, thats about right.)

Noone knows me as a "F" and when I tell business acquaintances my name I still get the "Oh! You got married!" and it is just like being kicked again.

This is what gets me though. Even through all the bad, I still love "B". I feel sad for him. I had people tell me I would be his voice now and today when I left the court I felt like I was kicking him aside :( I even wondered about changing it back. Then I thought I should just go with my head and not my heart on this one.

Emotional Roller coaster. From. Hell.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Beelady I think you posted about that during my 'break' from the site so I went back through your threads and found where you posted about and I first want to say IM AM SOOO SORRY THAT HAPPENED! :hug:

I can understand now why its hard for you to sign his last name and I would have that same hard time.

This is what you needed to do for YOU and there is no shame or disrespect to him in that!

Again, I am very sorry that happened! :hug:

I didnt read all the way through the thread, are you in therapy about it to help you cope?

 

[Beelady]

I have a great therapist that B & I saw for the last few years. He recognized B and that B was putting his own problems onto me - it was amazing to have a therapist that did not believe his bad mouthing me. (We went to many over the years). Later I found out that my therapist went to a state board to discuss our situation and he was encouraged to stop seeing us (too risky). I am SO THANKFUL he still saw us/me. When I went alone I would have a blu tooth on so that B could listen and I was not allowed to talk about him. The therapist was aware and we would talk about my mom and write notes to each other about what was really going on. I see him once a week and it is so good to not have to explain everything - since he saw it for himself.