Too Late Now, It's Been Mailed

[Forgetful]

About 2 weeks ago I posted here about something that I had previously thought I'd take to the grave. I know that all my crap has to come out and processed to heal. I got some positive, caring feedback and I'm very grateful for that.

At my next therapy session I told Pdoc that I posted here and received compassion and understanding feedback but couldn't talk about it. So in an act of desperation I wrote a letter to her and mailed it before I could change my mind.

I dreaded going to therapy this week because of the letter. I had alot of anxiety and physical symptoms. She didn't receive it yet, so I mentioned this but again I was unable to say it out loud. Now I have to deal with the anxiety ect for another week!!! I don't even know if I'll be able to talk about it next week.

I wish I never mailed it.

 

[ladee]

But very glad that you did @Snafu , because now that it is out, you can begin to heal, have a tremendous amount of pride for yourself that you have faced your biggest fear. !!! You will be amazed that your T will still care for you, even more now, and that you will get support from her, and from us... Very proud of you for this. Many never get to this place... gentle hugs of comfort.

 

[Forgetful]

@ladee Thank you. In those few fleeting moments where I can think clearer I know this has to be processed. I believe this is the root of my self hatred and self destructive behavior. I'm trying to stop thinking that I am a waste of human skin.

At the end of the letter I wrote please be gentle. I hope she will.

 

[ladee]

She will.You trusted her to tell, so trust her to be gentle. You are on your way to being your best self !!! Appreciate the risk you took. Keep us updated on how you are doing...gentle hugs

 

[Lucycat]

I dreaded going to therapy this week because of the letter.

I so understand. Some time ago, there was something that I wanted to deal with in therapy but could not say. I sent my T an email and felt just like you describe. Petrified of his reaction and how I would continue the discussion. He was great and absolutely got that the written words did not mean I was ready for spoken words. But it meant that he knew what I was speaking about, and I could talk about thoughts and feelings and symptoms without having to repeat the detail of why.

Once you have seen your therapist again, I think you will feel utter relief that it is out!

 

[Tinyflame]

Maybe that's why it's easier to write than talk about stuff @Lucycat .

Good luck @Snafu . xox :hug:

 

[The Albatross]

"I dreaded going to therapy this week because of the letter. I had alot of anxiety and physical symptoms. She didn't receive it yet, so I mentioned this but again I was unable to say it out loud. Now I have to deal with the anxiety ect for another week!!! I don't even know if I'll be able to talk about it next week.

I wish I never mailed it."

My husband does/did this... endures the stress on the front end rather than engage and endures/internalizes stress. Frankly, I don't understand it. Why anxiety is preferable to candidness escapes me. Just own up and speak up instead of anticipatory stress. I'll go for short term discomfort over prolonged stress and anxiety any day. But that's just me.

 

[angrypanda]

I'm so proud of you! I'm supposed to mail some letters too and can't bring myself to do it! I think writing it down helps. I'm sure this will allow for even more progress to be made with your pdoc. :)

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Your brain and your gut are in conflict. When this happens to me, I listen to my gut, and so far, it's always been right.

Your therapist is going to admire your courage and respect this huge effort that you've made. Please, try not to worry. :)

 

[Forgetful]

Update

Well, it's been 3 weeks now and she still hasn't received it. I had told her that it was coming so she was looking for it.

At therapy yesterday she asked what the letter said. I couldn't answer. We talked a little then she suggested I go into the conference room and write it down which I agreed to.

After 15 min she came and got me. I gave it to her and she asked if she could read it. She thanked me for trusting her and we talked. She now understandso my deep seated self hate. She said I am strong, brave etc which didn't mesh with me being a monster so I have to work on accepting compliments and self image.

EMDR is on hold at the moment as she looks into how to proceed with this new info. She hasn't used it with anyone with this situation before and is concerned with causing more harm than good.

Thank you all for your encouragment. I do feel somewhat better for talking about it but at the same time scared because now someone else knows.

 

[ladee]

Someone else knows and did not meet you with disgust, judgement or invalidation. You were met with understanding and her caring enough to make sure how to proceed.... She did not fire you, did not make you leave her office, did not turn pale and vomit.... she HEARD you !!! How beautiful is that...
Very proud of you @Snafu !!! You even went ahead and wrote another one... how awesome is that !!! you didn't have to... you could have waited until the original letter came in, but you faced your fears and did it.....
Please keep us updated and very proud of you !! Doing the hard work.... takes a lot of courage.... !!!