Sufferer Torture survivor going into ems - tired of my past holding me back

[Deleted member 8714]

I survived physical/sexual/psychological torture

I'm a survivor of physical abuse, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, ritual abuse, mind control, and torture. In addition I witnessed the same abuse and torture happen to children and adults before they were murdered. The abuse started when I was 2 to 3 years old and stopped when I was 35.

I'm nearly positive this entire stream-of-consciousness is incoherent and self-pitying

@Maudlin , everything you wrote made sense and didn't sound like a pity party.

I can't comment on the EMS, though I was somehow drawn to nursing. It didn't take long to find out why. In my first year of nursing school, I vacationed on the East Coast with a friend and got triggered by something. I've never quite figured out what that was. It could've been just the fact that I was on the East Coast where my worst abuse occurred. When I came back to nursing school I could no longer function on the wards in the hospital like I had when I left. A teacher suggested I see the school counselor. In 1977, there were no trauma specialists so I just scratched the surface of my childhood abuse, dealing briefly with the emotional/psychological abuse.

I eventually got my degree in nursing and started my career. It didn't last long because it triggered me. I had gotten into hospice nursing. I was drawn into the very thing which I saw so many times as a child, death.

 

[anonymous]

I think it’s important to reframe.

PTSD holding you back? We are traumatized people who are dealing with much damage. Some can recover and do whatever they want with their lives.

I mean if someone was physically disabled and could not walk, people would look at them like they were cray-cray if they said they were going to run a marathon on two feet.

There’s a point where we need to recognize where we are in life and know that no, not anything is possible.

It’s not a matter of PTSD holding us back. It’s about accepting the truth.

OP if you’re functional enough to have an EMT job, then go for it. However, you should realize you are playing with fire by going into a career field that in and of itself can cause PTSD, even without a traumatic childhood.

Is it more important to be healthy and happy, or to prove that PTSD has no effect on you, no matter what the potential cost (or permanent damage)?