Anonymous68Whiskey
New Here
Hello everyone, i'm looking for veteran opinions, professional opinions, and anyone else's opinion who has done EMDR/therapy and has gotten over the majority of their P.T.S.D. "journey of healing" i'll call it.
It's my first time ever posting on a forum, and i'm going to do it anonymously for obvious reasons, more so that I can feel less pressured emotionally, and maybe vets I might know won't know it's me posting. If some of them found out, I want it to be from me, and also in person after I've made up my mind, not off a forum. I also don't want them to feel betrayed, hurt, or abandoned.
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My dilemma:
I'm a veteran with C-PTSD (Multiple trauma instances pre-military as well). I've completed what feels like 99% of my journey, I'm a social critter, happier, content, and have never been better in my entire life, and i'm in touch for the first time with all of my emotions. I've been leading a productive, meaningful, and stable life for the first time in my whole life. I have in the past had a variety of social groups I've belonged to at least superficially (never deep friendships), and after hanging out with other combat veterans (all combat vets), I have alienated myself from other social groups and can't seem to get plugged back into them.
I feel like I have regressed into an old human i'm not if I hang out with them to often, but i'm living a lie. The combat vets unlike me don't seem to ever be outwardly social beings, mostly introverted, but some of them are positive, a few are really negative. They don't seek therapy for their PTSD, improve their life anything more than tiny amounts, and are unable to connect besides in a Pseudo Quasi "We're in this together" soldier bond way, like when we were in the military.
I really like how we connect through that trust and experiences shared, but it's always incomplete and since we never actually new each other in service but met afterwords, it feels like an incomplete way to bond....they never seem to want to explore life and connect in any other way overall like other people would. I feel almost forced internally from influence into this mentality like i'm the aggressive, military minded soldier I used to be, which is also often anti-non-combat veteran on occasion, kind of like in the military combat vets and some support units like Combat Medics (me). Literally none of them plug into the civilian world, make non-veteran friends, etc., and it really f*cks with my head, because I feel like it will be "Blue Falcon" behavior or betrayal/abandonment to separate from them.
Since I have bonded with them to some extent or another more over months for some and year+ for others, they have started to heal a little, even lately seek therapy, but I feel like i'm tired of saving others. I just want to socialize, be apart of a group, and plug into each others life in a meaningful way. I also used to have a tendency to blame myself, and become "dependent" mentality wise when it comes to saving others, feeling guilty for others suicides/fatalities, and sometimes I feel the need to run for the hills, never say a word again, and save myself not saying a word.
They like my genuineness, honesty, and healthy/positive -> lifestyle/outlooks, but over time I think it bothers them when it used to feel refreshing, now it just wears on them like alcohol on a wound. It's hard to explain. It's like they respect me, but normally look down on others living the same lifestyles I've chosen. I feel like I need to leave, unplug from, and get away from those mentalities to live a healthy life. I've been stuck for over a year internally conflicted though emotionally and it's unhealthy, because I don't want to leave my battle-buddies, and almost all of them can't respect my lifestyle preferences. I feel like were bound hip to hip...but I don't want to be a solider anymore, even if i'll always be a warrior. I don't want to f*ck everything in site, I don't want to carry the wounds I used to carry, I don't want to look down on civilians or be frustrated with the VA (not saying i'm not unhappy with those f*ckers), I just want to move on to a different lifestyle. I'm sick and tired of talking military this, memories that, military acronyms this...blah blah blah. One or two out of the whole crowd are constantly prodding me, like they don't believe I served, ect. (Here's my DD-214, military jacket, 9000 documents I've saved, now get the f*ck out of my life) or just plain disrespect me in a passive like fashion sometimes when I refuse to speak military lingo with them. I think the few I'm the most sick of have a "better than" mentality, which is REALLY popular in the military in certain crowds.
Flipside: We're never the same, our experiences change us, I want to grow stronger from mine, but even though i'll never be a civilian again...I don't want to be a warrior/soldier anymore overall. I want the in between area were I feel drawn to internal peacefulness, so I can feel at rest.
V/R,
Anonymous Veteran.
P.S. - Feel free to share your own thoughts, stories, ect., I don't take things personally. I want different opinions/perspectives on what you think about my thoughts/feelings, and what you think about yours/similar life experiences.
It's my first time ever posting on a forum, and i'm going to do it anonymously for obvious reasons, more so that I can feel less pressured emotionally, and maybe vets I might know won't know it's me posting. If some of them found out, I want it to be from me, and also in person after I've made up my mind, not off a forum. I also don't want them to feel betrayed, hurt, or abandoned.
------------------------------------
My dilemma:
I'm a veteran with C-PTSD (Multiple trauma instances pre-military as well). I've completed what feels like 99% of my journey, I'm a social critter, happier, content, and have never been better in my entire life, and i'm in touch for the first time with all of my emotions. I've been leading a productive, meaningful, and stable life for the first time in my whole life. I have in the past had a variety of social groups I've belonged to at least superficially (never deep friendships), and after hanging out with other combat veterans (all combat vets), I have alienated myself from other social groups and can't seem to get plugged back into them.
I feel like I have regressed into an old human i'm not if I hang out with them to often, but i'm living a lie. The combat vets unlike me don't seem to ever be outwardly social beings, mostly introverted, but some of them are positive, a few are really negative. They don't seek therapy for their PTSD, improve their life anything more than tiny amounts, and are unable to connect besides in a Pseudo Quasi "We're in this together" soldier bond way, like when we were in the military.
I really like how we connect through that trust and experiences shared, but it's always incomplete and since we never actually new each other in service but met afterwords, it feels like an incomplete way to bond....they never seem to want to explore life and connect in any other way overall like other people would. I feel almost forced internally from influence into this mentality like i'm the aggressive, military minded soldier I used to be, which is also often anti-non-combat veteran on occasion, kind of like in the military combat vets and some support units like Combat Medics (me). Literally none of them plug into the civilian world, make non-veteran friends, etc., and it really f*cks with my head, because I feel like it will be "Blue Falcon" behavior or betrayal/abandonment to separate from them.
Since I have bonded with them to some extent or another more over months for some and year+ for others, they have started to heal a little, even lately seek therapy, but I feel like i'm tired of saving others. I just want to socialize, be apart of a group, and plug into each others life in a meaningful way. I also used to have a tendency to blame myself, and become "dependent" mentality wise when it comes to saving others, feeling guilty for others suicides/fatalities, and sometimes I feel the need to run for the hills, never say a word again, and save myself not saying a word.
They like my genuineness, honesty, and healthy/positive -> lifestyle/outlooks, but over time I think it bothers them when it used to feel refreshing, now it just wears on them like alcohol on a wound. It's hard to explain. It's like they respect me, but normally look down on others living the same lifestyles I've chosen. I feel like I need to leave, unplug from, and get away from those mentalities to live a healthy life. I've been stuck for over a year internally conflicted though emotionally and it's unhealthy, because I don't want to leave my battle-buddies, and almost all of them can't respect my lifestyle preferences. I feel like were bound hip to hip...but I don't want to be a solider anymore, even if i'll always be a warrior. I don't want to f*ck everything in site, I don't want to carry the wounds I used to carry, I don't want to look down on civilians or be frustrated with the VA (not saying i'm not unhappy with those f*ckers), I just want to move on to a different lifestyle. I'm sick and tired of talking military this, memories that, military acronyms this...blah blah blah. One or two out of the whole crowd are constantly prodding me, like they don't believe I served, ect. (Here's my DD-214, military jacket, 9000 documents I've saved, now get the f*ck out of my life) or just plain disrespect me in a passive like fashion sometimes when I refuse to speak military lingo with them. I think the few I'm the most sick of have a "better than" mentality, which is REALLY popular in the military in certain crowds.
Flipside: We're never the same, our experiences change us, I want to grow stronger from mine, but even though i'll never be a civilian again...I don't want to be a warrior/soldier anymore overall. I want the in between area were I feel drawn to internal peacefulness, so I can feel at rest.
V/R,
Anonymous Veteran.
P.S. - Feel free to share your own thoughts, stories, ect., I don't take things personally. I want different opinions/perspectives on what you think about my thoughts/feelings, and what you think about yours/similar life experiences.
