Trapped In Corner

[Little Flower]

I have to get this outta my head n into print. I'm trapped between my x(name of IT)
and having a normal relational ship with someone who cares about me. I have my own home n he has his. Bout 40 mi away. We both spend a lot of time and gas to see each other. My catch 22 is I hav left my job due to intense PTSD brought on by parents death. Disabled sister whom I can't deal with right now because of her actions. I get alimony from IT which I totally earned. But without other income I'm bound by law not to live with anyone. Sometimes I think PTSD has destroyed my whole life My abusers derailed my life many times. Now that I've recovered a degree of happiness IT still has control of my life n continues to be subjected to his rage until I can work - not likely now- or get disability - possibly years away
I feel distraught n can't see a way out. Life has me trapped in a corner n happiness mocks me
I have 3 grown children who were very affected by the divorce. We have mended some fences but I suddenly have empty nest n I look like basket case to them I'm sure. They won't discuss any past at all. It's like 25 years never happened. My oldest son pulled away emotionally My middle sons emotional and behavior problems went off the chart. Now I will never see my second grandson again. I had to leave my 13 yo daughter with whom I a had a wonderful mom/ daughter relational ship. My ex took her to his moms ( and) my dog n made arrangements to get off work early n pick her up. Then he sent her to our room. He began to brainwash her. I can't talk the rest Not now It starts a panic attack

 

[darrenS]

I remember all the horrible games my x played with my first daughter , i felt at times like giving up. hang in there Flower , it took years , but i enjoy a very close relationship with her now and her mom has managed to destroy hers. Patience is really the key and not giving up on them

 

[Little Flower]

My coping mechanism are outta whack. I have complex depression anxiety. And PTSD. I can't make myself accept it. I feel broken. I'm confused about what to worry about
first. I have pain from physical and emotional issues. My story is long n complicated. I wish I could wake up n all the memories were gone. I'm mostly sad today because i will home alone a few days. I wish I could rest but I am paranoid someone is gonna get angry at me. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Even me. I'm supposed to be learning I'm not responsible for others choices. I'm also supposed to be recovering. After taking course on Courage to Heal i miss the group and contact with others i don't know how to get going anymore. My willpower has disappeared I feel guilty for resting and fear that people don't like me because i'm not working. I feel like a sub-human

 

[Little Flower]

I'm hiding in my room in the dark when I could be outside. im so frightened of my own feeling

 

[Little Flower]

Y am i doing this. I have plenty to keep me busy n I keep procrastinating. I'm afraid of walking outside

 

[Little Flower]

I have a toothache I can tolerate it better than my feelings. Keep on hurting tooth

 

[Little Flower]

Apathy. I can't help anyone today. I hate that. I like to encourage fellow members. Do I have a split personality. ????? I beg for something. Anything Take me away from this dark place

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Don't beg for anything, for there are many things that are bad once you reflect.
Don' t pour your pain into a dirty glass.
I have done that a few times...

 

[Little Flower]

Do you like hunting?

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Hunting, don't have much experience...
And I don't leave home, except for school. Don't like being outside.

 

[Little Flower]

Too bad. That's only time I really like to go out

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I used to do horse riding, but now I train Aikido, so I can defend myself next time someone threatens me with a knife