Trying To Break The Habit.

[Philippa]

No, I am still looking for a suitable therapist. The last one started playing games with me and was pretty negligent with failing to make sure I was grounded and ready to go back into the world after only the second session. I took that as a sign that she wasn't for me. So I don't have anyone to discuss strategies. I just stay away from her while I'm there.

One of my friends there has been trying to get me to talk to her more, but I don't want to be friends with her for the sake of my friend feeling more comfortable there. She does pander to her and toe the line. I don't. To me, she is just like everyone else there and shouldn't be treated with any special privelages...but I think you are right about the narcissism. She is leaving in August to study, but that's still a while away. I will just avoid her until then.

I was shocked the other day when she started talking to me as though we were friends, asking for my advice, as though nothing happened...as though she never did what she did and it was all history. This only happened a week ago. No one there really gave a damn, though they all talk about it behind her back. No one said anything to her face though of course.

 

[ms spock]

So record the day and the number that she gave you and suggested you look for work elsewhere.

Focus on the other things in life and don't let this become too much of a focus but record what she says and does. So if she makes another move against you, you have the pattern of harrassment/meaness/stupid comments to show. Don't give her anymore attention that just documenting her silly comments.

 

[ms spock]

I was shocked the other day when she started talking to me as though we were friends, asking for my advice, as though nothing happened...as though she never did what she did and it was all history.

Don't play that game with her. Retain professional courtesy but don' t go anywhere near friendship stuff - that is softening you up again.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks. I will take note of any comments she makes from now on. I think I made the mistake to mention the other day that my family background (which is maltese) and the language stems from arabic...and that it is an aggressive language. She seemed to take great interest in that, and even said "that's very interesting" in a way that kind of made me wish I hadn't said anything as soon as she said it. I can imagine she files it all away and waits for the exact moment to spew it out again. I will be more careful from now on.

 

[ms spock]

No, I am still looking for a suitable therapist.

Fair enough. That sounds wise. But having a therapist to deal with a workplace colleague would be most helpful.

One of my friends there has been trying to get me to talk to her more, but I don't want to be friends with her for the sake of my friend feeling more comfortable there.

Good idea.

She is leaving in August to study, but that's still a while away. I will just avoid her until then.

So something to look forward to then. But be careful of her.

 

[Philippa]

Don't play that game with her. Retain professional courtesy but don' t go anywhere near friendship stuff - that is softening you up again.

Yeah, I wish I had said to her "Why are you even speaking to me...we aren't friends."

I did tell her to make up her own mind about it...but I did start to play into it as well after that. I was eating my lunch and she came and sat with me. There was nowhere else for me to go really with my sandwich.

If worst comes to worst I will speak to the boss and ask if she can switch my shifts so I don't work the same days as her. I will explain the situation as much as I can.

Gosh, it's really starting to hit me what she is up to. And I'm starting to see more and more that my friend, as nice as she is, is actually making it harder for me there, by trying to get me to "keep the peace" and play along to her tune, the way she does. I'm not one to kiss anyone's ass.

 

[ms spock]

I think I made the mistake to mention the other day that my family background (which is maltese) and the language stems from arabic...and that it is an aggressive language. She seemed to take great interest in that

Don't give her more power than she really has. You just have to be aware of not buying into her stuff. Just don' t engage with her - except about the weather, professional courtesy stuff, have something you have "to do" so you can rush off or go to the toilet.

There are a few books on emotional vampires - strategies to deal with them and such like. Perhaps have a look around for them.

Remember to share no personal details and to only discuss big bird, stuff on the news and the weather. If she says anything personal, say excuse me and leave.

 

[Philippa]

Thankfully we don't see each other that much, and I've taken to the rooms downstairs and let her have "her room" just because she isn't worth getting into a dispute with over it, it's so pathetic.

I see her for maybe 5 minutes in the whole day, and that is only in passing, so it should be ok. I can always retreat to my room if she tries to talk to me.

 

[ms spock]

Yeah, I wish I had said to her "Why are you even speaking to me...we aren't friends."

You could have a book and read it and state you are having some time out now.

I did tell her to make up her own mind about it...but I did start to play into it as well after that.

Politely don't engage.

I was eating my lunch and she came and sat with me. There was nowhere else for me to go really with my sandwich.

But you don't have to talk to her. You can read a book. Or not answer her questions. And you don't have to be friendly.

If worst comes to worst I will speak to the boss and ask if she can switch my shifts so I don't work the same days as her. I will explain the situation as much as I can.

Perhaps no at this stage, because then you become the problem. You don't have to give up the space either. You are an adult woman who has every right to be there as anyone else.

Gosh, it's really starting to hit me what she is up to. And I'm starting to see more and more that my friend, as nice as she is, is actually making it harder for me there, by trying to get me to "keep the peace" and play along to her tune, the way she does.

Be yourself, polite, assertive, don't do any friendship chat, don't try to fit in.

Just be aware that this is a really manipulative woman. She will be targeting other people as soon as you are out of her sight. It is not personal towards you. It is just you are there and you said no to her. If you understand what I mean.

 

[ms spock]

I see her for maybe 5 minutes in the whole day, and that is only in passing, so it should be ok. I can always retreat to my room if she tries to talk to me.

Excellent strategy and attitude.

She is not worth it. She is a petty little manipulative person that you can keep away from because she isn't worth the time or attention.

 

[Philippa]

You could have a book and read it and state you are having some time out now.

I do bring one into work with me, for when it is quiet. I can start taking that with me when I go to the kitchen to eat.

Politely don't engage.

I was doing that initially after the condom incident, but then my friend kept encouraging both of us to talk and be friendly...which I didn't want to do.

But you don't have to talk to her. You can read a book. Or not answer her questions. And you don't have to be friendly.

Yes true. I don't have to be friendly with her at all. And I don't care if she thinks I'm unfriendly, we aren't friends.

Perhaps no at this stage, because then you become the problem. You don't have to give up the space either. You are an adult woman who has every right to be there as anyone else.

That is what I intended to do, even after she tried to get me in trouble. I figured she needed to be taken off her pedestal and reminded that she's a worker like the rest of us and deserves no special treatment. I'm just as entitled to take the space as anyone else, and I refuse to live in fear of this bitch and what pathetic crap she might pull next time.

Be yourself, polite, assertive, don't do any friendship chat, don't try to fit in.

I say hello to her and that's basically it in passing. The other night there was an incident with another worker who was upset, and she ended up pushing me...like, pushing me at least three steps to my right. I was kind of in a daze when it happened, and later I was like "why the hell did she push me?"

Just be aware that this is a really manipulative woman. She will be targeting other people as soon as you are out of her sight. It is not personal towards you. It is just you are there and you said no to her. If you understand what I mean.

Yes, I get what you mean totally. I suspected she was highly narcissistic after the incident with the room and her yelling all the way down the stairs at me, and me telling her that it's just a room and to get over it. I knew she'd get me back in some way, I just didn't give a shit and I never thought she'd go to the extent she did.

 

[ms spock]

So basic self protective stuff of letting her have the room, (which you are already doing) is wise.

Also not engaging with her is wise, which was your first and healthy impulse as well.

She will go in August so just don't engage and look forward to her going. Don't let her difficult personality make her your problem.