Trying to understand why I'm doing this

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
I struggle with both gambling and and workalcohism sadly. And being unable to work due to my chronic pain has made things a lot worse for my mental health too, my doctors have had no sucsess trying to figure out why I deal w this.

As for the stress cup, thank you for sharing that one, I'm still fighting the denial about having this diagnosis to begin with, but that explains why even the smallest event can set me off like that. I know how I react to stress is irrational, and honestly that guilt build up is the worst. My bad reactions to stress really is taking a toll on my realationships, which is, in all honesty not helping at all.

I've been unable to take care of every day things, like answering the door or even logging into the bank to pay my bills. My partner takes care of all these things, as for the bills I venmo the money back to him, and when the doorbell rings, or if someone is knocking I run and hide to have him answer it. Most days I'm unable to leave my apartment, I'm just hoping that it's reversable with therapy, so that I dont have to be so dependable on my boyfriend, I dont want him to be my caregiver anymore 🥲

Living barely at all, is not making me want to continute this project any longer, will it ever get better? I'm just sick of trying to pull myself "up by the bootstraps" when there's nothing to pull at. Sorry for getting off track but I wish people would stop telling me that I'm strong and that I'll get over it, or that I have to get over it. I'm just exhausted.
Yeah, that's pretty severe PTSD. May I ask you how long it's been like this? As far as I know I do get why you're not going to see not only your family, but just anyone. Earlier this year I was very symptomatic like this and was living alone, I would just get out when I was on the verge of dying from hunger and even then buying stuff I could stockpile. Then another two times where I just locked myself in a hotel room unable to leave for 10 days or 2 weeks or even wash. Leaving the bed even to go to the bathroom felt like an ordeal and I had to fight against myself for a really long time. Even if I missed people it was just impossible to leave for more than a few minutes and even opening the window was too much. Messaging a friend is still difficult.

Now this doesn't mean you're weak neither. And it's amazing you have a supporter. Now it's really understandable that you don't find such a way of living is sustainable for both of you. Perhaps you can give yourself very small goals and build up some confidence with it. Not even getting outside or picking up someone unexpected. More stuff like paying a few bills or picking up the mail. It's likely that something as huge as going to see your family with travelling and all is just gigantic. And as much as it's upsetting to have to renounce to certain things, it's also freeing not having to do them. I tend to find dates for doing things very stressful and like, knowing I have to be operational for X date surely will not help me to be operational for that date. So really, for a moment just try not to look ahead of the future too much because it's going to be too stressing.

I have had phases in life where I was very functional and organising things with dozens of people. Finding myself in bed having a panick attack nearly every night for 2 weeks and and all at once because an old lady yelled at me, this after months of trying to recover, was very disappointing to say the least.

I think what is really difficult with this disorder and its chronic nature is that you have to find the right degree of structure and things to do and understand when you should abort your mission and give yourself some time. And sometimes being set off by the silliest things, sometimes so silly it just catches you completely off guard.

And completely valid of you not wanting people to give in the wishful thinking of "you're gonna get over it". Eventually you're going to improve, with work. Healing takes time, it sucks big time but there is progress possible. It doesn't mean you get "over" it. And I'm not certain getting over things would be an accurate depiction of learning how to live with having gone through traumatic experiences. And surely getting scolded or feeling forced to do things when you're already panicked and freezing like crazy will just reinforce that and not help you to do the things you want.

Given what you've written I find it's really quite unempathetic of your T to try to push you doing things that are distressing you and worse than unempathetic, potentially dangerous. Would that be possible for you to go private or change? I know it's a big deal to change Ts but if you're feeling like it's aggravating since a moment with no progress following it might be the good moment to at least give a thought to it. Discard if not useful.

But you're already being very brave by coming here and accepting this is your diagnose and starting to deal with it for what it is and that something has to be done about it. It's an immense step and it's good to have you on board!
 
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